To desperately ask for friend help!

[Pineapplepie]

I need advice. I don’t know what to do.

Childhood best friend is getting married imminently. When she got engaged she asked me to be Bridesmaid
I thought everything was fine. Never heard anything about BM duties. Hen do was booked (somewhere very expensive and foreign that I couldn’t afford to go on) and it was clear new BM had been chosen and I was no longer a bm. No biggie.
But I’ve just found out I’m only invited to the evening do. I thought the wedding only started at 3pm. But I’ve just found out from my other friends, that the actual wedding is at 11:00 and all my friends are still bm, sitting at the top table, and I’m only invited to the evening do. 😭
I’m gutted. My husband didn’t want to go after I’d been demoted from BM duties anyway.
I won’t know anyone at the evening do and I’ll be all on my own. I really don’t know what to do. How to proceed? What to say? How to get out of it.

She clearly doesn’t value me as much as I thought and as much as I value her.

My mum thinks I should pull her up on it. She has form for excluding me, she used exclude me socially a lot, as she used to take illicit substances and didn’t want me to.
I’m quite a people pleaser and I just want everyone to be happy.

I am not being entitled here at all and I totally understand it’s her wedding she can have whoever she does or doesn’t want there and I’m honoured that she wants me to be there for part of her day, but I’m hurt that we’ve been friends for over 20 years and she didn’t feel like she could talk to me before making changes, or cutting me out because I would honestly give her a kidney, I’d do absolutely anything to see her happy.

I’m so so sad. Any advice on how to not be gratefully received

Well that seems pretty clear. If it says wedding party then yes, you're not invited to the actual wedding.

Timings still don't make sense to me but that invitation doesn't invite you to the wedding itself so it shouldn't have been a surprise. It's a crappy way to treat you but not unclear.

Hold onto your kidney and ditch the wedding!

Seriously OP, being a people pleaser is just another way of saying 'doormat'. Stop being hurt and start being annoyed. I definitely would not go - an evening invite is for people very much in the 'outer circle'. She does not see you as a close friend so stop worrying about cancelling. Just say you need to work or make up some sort of excuse. Or just pretend you're going then text on the day to say you're sick. I really wouldn't worry about her feelings. She has form for excluding you anyway so I would back off from the friendship completely in time.

She isn’t your friend, you are handy to have around when she needs childcare or whatever. Don’t go and I would be distancing myself from her.

Did she mind though op?

Not saying she is right btw as I think expecting people to pay and travel to expense venues for hen parties is really entitled these days.

But is she trying to get back at you for not being able to attend?

Or could it be an administrative error?

If it wouldn’t be too toe-curling, that is how you could possibly approach it with her op. You could say something very faux innocent along the lines of “hey, sorry to bother you, but is this invitation correct and I am not attending the actual wedding service? I was just a bit surprised that’s all, so thought I would verify that there hasn’t been some sort of admin error?”

And watch her squirm 😁

It depends a bit on nationality. This sort of system is prevalent in some EU countries and it isn’t necessarily always the “lesser” guests who get invited to the evening do, it’s usually just a “different” set. .

Brides like this do not squirm.

I remember a poster on here asking somebody close to them if they were invited to their wedding as they had no invitation. Everyone was adamant it would be a mishap or missing in the post. They got a cold ‘No. You aren’t invited’ response.

Not sure that's relevant to my comment. I have no problem with evening only guests, never taken offence to it.

I was pointing out that the timings are unusual and I don't see how they would work. 3pm is likely to be in the middle of of the main proceedings.

Well there’s only one way to find out! 😬

I’m so sorry; I attached my comment to the wrong quote!

I was replying to Gundogday

OP, she doesn't value you.
I am so sorry.
Don't make little of yourself and be free childcare at her wedding.
Don't go.

Your friendship sounds utterly bizarre. She hasnt told you your not a BM but life has carried on and now with 48hrs to go it's never been mentioned that the actual wedding it at 11???

I'm really baffled at the evening do starting at 3...... normal 11/12 o'clock weddings, you'd be sitting down for the meal???

You say ‘it’s no biggie’ about being asked to be bridesmaid and then being dropped with no explanation. But this IS a big deal. It’s an incredibly rude thing to do.

I think you have been conditioned to think you have to play it cool, never show you’re upset, go with the flow- in order to keep friends. But this doesn’t work. People like this will just trample all over you, and use you- which it sounds like she may be doing with getting your to look after her child.

It is completely fine to say ‘It was hurtful to be asked to be a bridesmaid and then have you change your mind without telling me. It was hurtful to think we were close and only be invited to the evening do’ If you can’t say this to her yet- at least acknowledge this yourself?

If you ignore your feelings to please others, you will never have true friendships.

I can’t believe that she asked you to be a bridesmaid and then never mentioned it ever again! Audacious!

You are saying that it doesn’t matter but it does matter. And she has quietly dropped you because she knew you would just say nothing.

Letting you look after her child!!! Come on now.

OP your post has resonated with me, not the situation you’re in but how you want to stop feeling shit about your friend’s behaviour. I anticipate you’re younger than me given the wedding life stage.

First, send a polite decline and don’t give it a second thought.

Second, don’t keep something in your life that isn’t working for you. This friendship clearly isn’t on the basis you’ve been made to feel shit, through no fault of your own. And what if you’ve unwittingly done something minor to make her change her mind? So what. Leave her to her own narrative. You have a supportive husband and mum. Invest in the people who care about your feelings and make you feel happy. Simply let the rest go 💐

Because I’m a soggy sock with self esteem issues, who didn’t mind not being a bridesmaid

Focus on yourself and improving your self esteem. You will thank yourself

Are you a very laid back personality? I think some people have no problem treating a person badly if they never visibly get upset or react to it.

As an experiment I'd stop offering the childcare, I'd be interested to see how much time this "friend" has for you when you are no longer providing this service.

Good post. It’s not minimising the astonishing lack of consideration of the bride (I’m not sure ‘friend’ is an accurate term in this instance) to say that the OP needs to also take some responsibility for contributing to the ‘Don’t mind me, I’m so used to minimising my own feelings that it genuinely doesn’t occur to me that I’m owed an explanation when someone drops me from being her bridesmaid and doesn’t actually tell me, then demotes me to an evening guest’ dynamic.

Is this a pattern in your other friendships and relationships, OP — behaving as though you don’t have any needs of your own?

This is all so weird. FGS just pick up the phone and talk to her. Properly. Find out what you've been invited to, find out why you went from a BM to (possibly) not even invited at all.

Then make your decision after that.

OP you need to pick up the phone and have a chat. The timings do seem odd but I think you 100% need to clarify the order of the day before making a decision. There may be a sit down meal that starts around 4pm that you are invited to even if not the ceremony. So not necessarily ‘just’ an evening guest.

just double check, confirm all. And honestly you need to tell her how this has all made you feel. Stop demonising you own feelings. You should be pissed off you got ghosted from being a BM, that’s a dick move. It’s very different if the bride had had a conversation with you to let you know and explain (although still very rude imo).

if seems she may just be pissed off (again dick move) that you didn’t attend the hen do so is punishing you!

please HAVE this conversation, for your own sense of self,

I also agree with PP I think some therapy would do you the world of good to work on your self esteem.

you are worth so much more than this.

She’s not your friend. I wouldn’t go and I would not stay in touch with her. You say she has form for excluding you, it’s time for you to exclude her from your life, I’d see it as a gift.

You're acting like a doormat and she has shit on her shoes.

Time to stand up.

I wouldn't go and I also wouldn't be speaking to her again. She's not a real friend. She's treated you like shit and she doesn't value you in the slightest.

Is the actual ceremony at a registrar office or somewhere that would restrict numbers? If so, the actual wedding breakfast might start at 3pm so maybe you are only missing out on the ceremony?

So she’s got history of excluding you and generally being a complete cow it seems and you’re letting her walk all over you. Seriously cancel and stop being there for her because she doesn’t give a shit about you. She probably only wants free childcare anyway and you’ll be an absolute mug to do it.

"....I thought everything was fine. Never heard anything about BM duties. Hen do was booked (somewhere very expensive and foreign that I couldn’t afford to go on) and it was clear new BM had been chosen and I was no longer a bm. No biggie..."

Actually it is a big deal OP. It is cruel, rude and disrespectful. I'm with your DH, I would have pulled out at this point tbh.