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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To desperately ask for friend help!

146 replies

Pineapplepie · 21/05/2025 22:16

I need advice. I don’t know what to do.

Childhood best friend is getting married imminently. When she got engaged she asked me to be Bridesmaid
I thought everything was fine. Never heard anything about BM duties. Hen do was booked (somewhere very expensive and foreign that I couldn’t afford to go on) and it was clear new BM had been chosen and I was no longer a bm. No biggie.
But I’ve just found out I’m only invited to the evening do. I thought the wedding only started at 3pm. But I’ve just found out from my other friends, that the actual wedding is at 11:00 and all my friends are still bm, sitting at the top table, and I’m only invited to the evening do. 😭
I’m gutted. My husband didn’t want to go after I’d been demoted from BM duties anyway.
I won’t know anyone at the evening do and I’ll be all on my own. I really don’t know what to do. How to proceed? What to say? How to get out of it.

She clearly doesn’t value me as much as I thought and as much as I value her.

My mum thinks I should pull her up on it. She has form for excluding me, she used exclude me socially a lot, as she used to take illicit substances and didn’t want me to.
I’m quite a people pleaser and I just want everyone to be happy.

I am not being entitled here at all and I totally understand it’s her wedding she can have whoever she does or doesn’t want there and I’m honoured that she wants me to be there for part of her day, but I’m hurt that we’ve been friends for over 20 years and she didn’t feel like she could talk to me before making changes, or cutting me out because I would honestly give her a kidney, I’d do absolutely anything to see her happy.

I’m so so sad. Any advice on how to not be gratefully received

OP posts:
Mary46 · 22/05/2025 12:26

Yes suit yourself. Op not nice. I remember being excited doing bridesmaid for cousin I was 24. My mam told me years later I only got asked as one couldnt do it. I def was option B. It did sting a bit.

pinkdelight · 22/05/2025 12:31

I won’t know anyone at the evening do and I’ll be all on my own

Sorry if I've missed something but I'm baffled by this part. Surely everyone you'd have known at the wedding will still be there for the evening do? You've said your mates at BMs so they'll still be there along with everyone else you know.

babystarsandmoon · 22/05/2025 12:33

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 22/05/2025 11:58

Is the actual ceremony at a registrar office or somewhere that would restrict numbers? If so, the actual wedding breakfast might start at 3pm so maybe you are only missing out on the ceremony?

300 knocked down from 500 I believe OP said.

This could probably explain the day time to evening knockdown.

GetMeOutOfHere20 · 22/05/2025 12:34

Jesus, forget it and go spend the outfit money on some therapy to support your self worth and self esteem. This isn’t a friend.

JHound · 22/05/2025 12:35

Don’t go and don’t feel guilty for not attending. It’s an invite not a summons.

Personally my blanket rule is I don’t attend weddings unless I am invited to all parts of it. So I would just politely decline.

lowlight · 22/05/2025 12:39

3pm does not sound like just the evening do to me.
Maybe go - be the good friend you are, support your friend on her special day but also realise that your friendship has changed and going forward I would pull back from the relationship and definitely stop seeing her and helping her out so much.

Uricon2 · 22/05/2025 12:39

She sacked you as bridesmaid with no explanation, all your other friends are bridesmaids, she has form for excluding you from things, you look after her child and your own DM is babysitting the Chief Bridesmaids own child on the day of the wedding, the main part of which you seem not to be invited to.

OP, if you read that all this was happening to someone else, what would you think? Would you advise them to just put up with it?

justkeepswimingswiming · 22/05/2025 12:41

I’d just not go, and go out with your DH for the night instead. She sounds horrible.

beAsensible1 · 22/05/2025 12:44

Well is sue your husband will be there and all the bridesmaids and the couple. So you will know people?

I get no wanting to go, but not true you won’t know anyone. If you want to keep the friendship still go and have a chat in a few months to clear the air.

if not, then don’t go.

beAsensible1 · 22/05/2025 12:45

Excluding you when she was taking substances was the right thing do. As I assume you want to be around that if you don’t like that sort of thing.

Different friends are for different activities

PrettyPuss · 22/05/2025 12:49

I wouldn't pull her up on it.

I would go to the reception.

I would then consider the friendship over.

AmberMae · 22/05/2025 12:52

I would say to this ‘friend’ ‘sorry but I accepted the invitation to your wedding as you asked me to be a BM. I have only just discovered that I’m only actually invited to the evening do. That doesn’t work for me and I’m disappointed you couldn’t tell me this yourself. I won’t be attending the evening do but I wish you well in the future and hope you enjoy your special day’.
Then draw a line under this friendship as she isn’t worthy of your efforts l.

beAsensible1 · 22/05/2025 12:56

It just sounds like 2 people afraid of confrontation so one says anything while both quietly seething.

it would be very weird to be talking every week and offering to help on the day to just not turn up or cancel 2 days before.

both of you need to put your big girl pants on deal with problems head on

BoredZelda · 22/05/2025 13:04

irregularegular · 22/05/2025 11:02

This is all so weird. FGS just pick up the phone and talk to her. Properly. Find out what you've been invited to, find out why you went from a BM to (possibly) not even invited at all.

Then make your decision after that.

Agreed. Strange your first thought is to come to Mumsnet to ask what is going on rather than picking up the phone to someone you text weekly, call frequently and have chatted for months about the wedding.

”hi friend, just checking my timings, your wedding invite says 3pm but xx has said it starts at 11, what time is the ceremony?”

Delphiniumandlupins · 22/05/2025 13:10

Do you know where the wedding ceremony is taking place, is it the same venue as the "party"? I agree with PP who have said 3pm is a really weird time for an evening only invite and 4 hours hardly long enough for ceremony, photos/drinks reception, meal and speeches. Normally, there would be a gap after the meal before evening guests arrive.

You can decline the invitation if you wish. Or just ignore it and get on with your life. Distance yourself from this friend because it definitely feels like an uneven relationship. Maybe she'll chase you for an RSVP and then you can tell her how hurt you feel?

BunnyLake · 22/05/2025 13:11

Pineapplepie · 21/05/2025 22:32

No conversation about not being a bridesmaid. Just not invited to weddingy things, no involvement in hen planning, etc etc. I just sort of found out I wasn’t a bridesmaid when all of our friends were doing bridesmaids stuff and I wasn’t invited 😔

Show quote history

I wouldn’t go. Under those particular circumstances I don’t think I would even bother telling her I’m not going.

Delphiniumandlupins · 22/05/2025 13:21

BoredZelda · 22/05/2025 13:04

Agreed. Strange your first thought is to come to Mumsnet to ask what is going on rather than picking up the phone to someone you text weekly, call frequently and have chatted for months about the wedding.

”hi friend, just checking my timings, your wedding invite says 3pm but xx has said it starts at 11, what time is the ceremony?”

Show quote history

Actually, this is really good advice. Not turning up for a meal that you have already accepted (for you and DH?) would be rude. However, evening guest numbers don't really matter (particularly at a wedding with 300! guests).

HunnyPot · 22/05/2025 13:44

She sees you as a soft touch. Decline the invite, move on, don’t look back.

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 22/05/2025 14:06

Thanks everyone I’m just hurt. Weve been friends since we were nine!!

OP posts:
Movingonup313 · 22/05/2025 14:06

I'm hope you are ok. Your post reminded me that I was in this same situation in 2010. Best friend asked me to be MOH..... and then dropped me. I only found out when I received an EVENING guest invite through the post. Then she said she was trying to tell me before I received the invite.... i was like.... you coulda just phoned me. I toyed with not going - whether day or evening I had a 3 hour round trip to fairly remote location and no car and poor transport from closest town to venue. I'd need accommodation whether day or evening and would also need an outfit and gift. In the end I went so I could see her on her wedding day and have a get together with pals as we hadn't met up in months. I was glad I went but I didn't burst the bank on an outfit, gifts or getting rounds of shots in and getting everyone going. People asked me why I wasn't the MOH or a BM. I didn't really know the answer at the time. Having now been married, maybe she realised I could not be on tap to provide lots of help and better to have someone who lived 2 minutes away.

babystarsandmoon · 22/05/2025 14:30

Pineapplepie · 22/05/2025 14:06

Thanks everyone I’m just hurt. Weve been friends since we were nine!!

Did she not subtly mention it when she said they were downsizing the wedding?

Murdoch1949 · 22/05/2025 15:23

Why on earth would you go to this bridezilla's wedding? She has been disrespectful and rude to you. Don't go. Don't send a present. Ghost her. She's not your best friend anymore.

ThejoyofNC · 22/05/2025 15:41

She's not your friend, she's a bitch.

BunnyLake · 22/05/2025 16:13

Are you sure there isn’t some miscommunication going on? Has someone (anyone!) explicitly and clearly told you that you are not invited to the wedding?

Notonthestairs · 22/05/2025 16:39

I think the invitation says 'wedding party' rather than wedding. That would lead me to think that it's an invitation to an event after the wedding ceremony rather the wedding itself.
But it is really odd wording and timing.

Op - whether you attend or not, do think about whats happened in this relationship and your part in it.

You've played nice to keep things ticking along and I suspect that hasn't been difficult because you seem like a thoroughly decent person. But when you've needed to stand up for yourself you've ducked it rather than tackle it. Lots of people do similar, including me. But sometimes we do need to stand up for ourselves because nobody else can do it. It doesn't have to be a huge confrontation - just saying what you want or what you won't accept is enough.
I think you'll feel better for putting your own feelings uppermost in your mind.