To desperately ask for friend help!

[Pineapplepie]

I need advice. I don’t know what to do.

Childhood best friend is getting married imminently. When she got engaged she asked me to be Bridesmaid
I thought everything was fine. Never heard anything about BM duties. Hen do was booked (somewhere very expensive and foreign that I couldn’t afford to go on) and it was clear new BM had been chosen and I was no longer a bm. No biggie.
But I’ve just found out I’m only invited to the evening do. I thought the wedding only started at 3pm. But I’ve just found out from my other friends, that the actual wedding is at 11:00 and all my friends are still bm, sitting at the top table, and I’m only invited to the evening do. 😭
I’m gutted. My husband didn’t want to go after I’d been demoted from BM duties anyway.
I won’t know anyone at the evening do and I’ll be all on my own. I really don’t know what to do. How to proceed? What to say? How to get out of it.

She clearly doesn’t value me as much as I thought and as much as I value her.

My mum thinks I should pull her up on it. She has form for excluding me, she used exclude me socially a lot, as she used to take illicit substances and didn’t want me to.
I’m quite a people pleaser and I just want everyone to be happy.

I am not being entitled here at all and I totally understand it’s her wedding she can have whoever she does or doesn’t want there and I’m honoured that she wants me to be there for part of her day, but I’m hurt that we’ve been friends for over 20 years and she didn’t feel like she could talk to me before making changes, or cutting me out because I would honestly give her a kidney, I’d do absolutely anything to see her happy.

I’m so so sad. Any advice on how to not be gratefully received

It’s so weird. She’s spoken to me recently, wished me a happy birthday, wants to meet up on Monday to celebrate. I’m baffled. Asked what time wedding is. Definitely 1500hrs. So bizzare

Well now you're contradicting yourself. If you Asked what time wedding is and were told Definitely 1500hrs then you are invited to the wedding because you're invited at 3.

If she said the wedding party definitely starts at 3 as your invitation says then they must be having everyone for the full reception and just some people not invited to the actual ceremony. Otherwise the timings still make no sense.

You deserve a better friend than this. I would make my apologies and not attend. Evening guests are not expensive to host, so don’t worry about the cost and letting her down. As a friend she has let you down x

You honestly need to have more respect for your kidneys 🙄

She doesn't deserve to have you as a friend. I'd be giving up on this friendship.

She sent me the 1500 order of service and invite again on WhatsApp she definitely wants me there at 1500 not any earlier, she doesn’t want me at her wedding. 😭

Eh? If there's an order of service starting at 15.00 then the wedding starts at 15.00.

So if the order of service mentions 1500, then that’s when the wedding is? Ie, the service where she actually gets married.

without outing myself and sending the invite the 1500 order of service does not include the wedding ceremony
jt does include sitting for your tea, and having speeches
so it’s more than just an evening guest less than actually invited to watch them marry

weitd as fuck
im giving benefit of the doubt

Sorry I should say “order of the day” they’ve called it. There’s no service

That's not an order of service then. An order of service is specifically related to a wedding ceremony.

Very odd to have a significant number of people at the ceremony but then a load more for the main reception.

Yes see my second post changing to order of the day. Very odd set 🆙

Okay, so it’s not the ‘Order of Service’ for the ‘church’ -part of the service, but more like a schedule of events for the day, and hence it says ‘wedding party’ and not ‘wedding’.

Maybe (clutching at straws), as you couldn’t go to the hen party, and got replaced as a bridesmaid, she felt awkward at inviting you to the main wedding, or thought you may feel awkward as you were no longer a bridesmaid, but still wanted you to celebrate with her on the day.

As an aside - do NOT ever give this woman your kidney :)

Please stop with the WA messages and talk to her. Just ask her why you have not been invited to the wedding ceremony. That is not a strange question when you were initially asked to be a bridesmaied!

When I got married some years ago, we saw several wedding venues that had capacity for eg 60 for the ceremony and 100+ for the party. So I wonder if this could be connected to the change of venue. Registry offices also are often very limited on numbers, so inviting more people after the ceremony is not unusual at all. But still it's a hell of a "demotion" and so rude of her to not discuss it with you. I'm sure she is just embarrassed but that doesn't stop it being poor behaviour and hurtful.

As PPs say I do wonder if you are useful to her. Do you do her more favours with childcare etc than she gives back?

Are you are you've got this right? I've never heard of an evening do starting at 3pm?

Don't go and tell her exactly why. I would not want her as a friend.

You said you’re seeing her on Monday? So ask?!

Oh I do haha but a 12 hour sesh is beyond me now, would have to resort to the ❄️ 🤣

OP perhaps she is sending that now and then when she meets you Monday is going to surprise you and ask to be in the wedding party and thinks it is a good thing that you would like? Otherwise I cannot understand it at all myself.

If it helps my sister sent me an elaborate gift box some years ago with a whole note about being her MOH. Never heard of the wedding again and she eloped earlier this year lol