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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not complain about nursery handing our daughter off to a man they haven’t seen before

180 replies

DefendingPan · 21/05/2025 20:55

So background: my father in law is a silver tongued fox and very personable.

He was visiting the area and decided to pick my daughter up from nursery on the way in, I arrived at the nursery to see him in the doorway, holding her hand and saying goodbye to the nursery staff.

My wife thinks we should complain because they didn’t know him from Adam but I think if we complain they’ll just say that they wouldn’t have let them leave until a parent got here cos he was still technically in the nursery and the nursery is attached to the school and I don’t think kicking up a fuss is the best first impression with the primary school.

Any thoughts? AIBU for not wanting to complain?

OP posts:
CharSiu · 21/05/2025 20:57

If this is exactly what happened it’s a safeguarding issue and I would be speaking to FIL to find out exactly what happened.

Abitlosttoday · 21/05/2025 20:57

If this really happened, you should 110% be complaining. Reporting, in fact. It's insane.

saveforthat · 21/05/2025 20:57

Mmm. Maybe not go in with a full on complaint but definitely ask about how a stranger (to the nursery) was allowed access to children.

pinksquash13 · 21/05/2025 20:59

Poor form from nursery if they expected you. Bit weird that your FIL would do that without telling you. I wouldn't complain, I don't think, because it wasn't a problem. I don't think they'd let a child go off with someone they didn't now. Presumably your child expressed a wish to go to grandad.

Tbrh · 21/05/2025 21:01

I would lose my absolute shit. Surely this is just one of the very basics

Alltheoldpaintings · 21/05/2025 21:02

Ok, my FIL is also charming on first acquaintance. When DS1 was little he knew where we lived and could easily have turned up at the nursery trying to take our child.

He is a danger to our kids (abduction risk - wanted to take them abroad and raise them himself, had some dodgy friends with boats).

If any nursery allows a total stranger to even be talking to the kid on the premises that is a safeguarding issue.

Obviously you’re not worried about your FIL, but for the sake of all of us who do have dangerous toxic people in our lives, could you please please raise it as an issue?

Whoever at the nursery allowed this needs some urgent re-training.

Lmnop22 · 21/05/2025 21:02

Likely your kid ran up to their grandad and articulated a desire to go with him and they made a judgment call in the circumstances.

Agree it’s a bit worrying they took a young child’s word for it because obviously there are parents who are loved by their children but entirely unsuitable to collect them and may be dangerous.

I would probably calmly ask if you can set up a password that must be given if a new person collects and then only tell those you trust sufficiently what it is

Drizzle6183 · 21/05/2025 21:02

That is horrendous from the nursery. No way should they be allowing any child to go with an adult who is not known to the nursery. It is just about as bad a break down of safety protocols as there can be. I’d have grave concerns about the establishment after that.

titchy · 21/05/2025 21:04

He shouldn’t have been let in at all. Create merry hell OP - this is such a major safeguarding issue I can’t believe you’re downplaying it frankly.

LemooonSlice · 21/05/2025 21:05

An absolutely huge safeguarding failure on the part of nursery. 100% discuss this with their safeguarding lead asap. A child can say they'd like to go with anyone - your FIL could have been anyone. Next time it could be a child is collected by a relative who is banned from seeing them for child protection reasons and then the child is harmed/abducted. Your child could have been taken from nursery by a random stranger who decided to try their luck
You need to make sure the nursery staff receive training on this. Today I had to ring and wake up a parent to check their child could go home with the best friends parents. I don't care how persuasive someone is - it's a black and white issue. If a person isn't preauthorized to collect then they can't until I've had confirmation from a parent.

0psiedasiy · 21/05/2025 21:05

My kids are early twenties, when they were in nursery my car broke down and I had to call my brother to collect, several nursery staff know my brother, and that we are related etc, and they wouldn’t let him take the two children until they spoke to me- surely it’s common practice now? I would definitely complain

SusanLittle76 · 21/05/2025 21:06

No need to complain per se. Just write a letter detailing that under no circumstances should anyone other than you or your husband will pick up your kid. Nonsense that an unannounced stranger got close to your kid. And i think your FIL should be asked to respect your boundary as a parent and either ask or stay back.

Whiteflowerscreed · 21/05/2025 21:06

I would be livid

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 21/05/2025 21:10

Lmnop22 · 21/05/2025 21:02

Likely your kid ran up to their grandad and articulated a desire to go with him and they made a judgment call in the circumstances.

Agree it’s a bit worrying they took a young child’s word for it because obviously there are parents who are loved by their children but entirely unsuitable to collect them and may be dangerous.

I would probably calmly ask if you can set up a password that must be given if a new person collects and then only tell those you trust sufficiently what it is

Or, instead of a password, how about the nursery don't hand children out to random people without their parents consent? 😉

TurtlesDoNotPetsMake · 21/05/2025 21:10

The Outstanding nursery in Reading did this to DS. They handed him over to DB who was walking home from work with a can of beer! (He was trying to be helpful)

Azdcgbjml · 21/05/2025 21:13

20 years ago, my good friend whose child was in my child's class, who regularly walked my child to school in the morning, and who was also a governor at the school, was not allowed to collect my child until they had spoken to me on the phone to confirm it was OK.

When I was a TA in a primary school it was a major rule that children were only released to the people school had been informed were allowed to collect them.

In this case, it wasn't anything untoward, but they had no way of knowing that. For the safety of all the children in the school I think you need to raise it with the head. You don't need to go in all guns blazing. Just say you were a bit concerned. They should take it very seriously.

Woodywoodpecker321 · 21/05/2025 21:15

100% raise as a safeguarding issue

Caffeineneedednow · 21/05/2025 21:15

Did your wife tell the nursery her grandad was coming from here. Is there some kind of password system in place?

If it was litterly a strange man walked up and said he was grandad without any idea if that was ture ( other then the word of a prescholer) then yes I would complain that is a massive safeguarding issue.

Spies · 21/05/2025 21:15

Tbrh · 21/05/2025 21:01

I would lose my absolute shit. Surely this is just one of the very basics

Agreed!

I would report and remove her immediately! If they can't do the basics what else are they getting wrong?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/05/2025 21:16

Surely they have the names of the people who are authorised to collect your child in an emergency and shouldn't be deviating from that list?

To get into my child's nursery you need a code to open the gate and then a different code to get inside the building.

The staff know that my parents in law are authorised to pick my DD up in an emergency but I think even then we are supposed to email them and let them know if it won't be a parent.

My parents aren't on the list of people authorised to pick DD up in an emergency (they live hundreds of miles away so there's no point) and after the nursery tightened its security protocols they aren't even allowed in the building with me. So if they are visiting us and they want to come and pick DD up they have to wait outside the gate until we come out.

CombatBarbie · 21/05/2025 21:17

Wow!!! They should have at least called to verify him!!!! What if that was a dad who is not allowed contact with the child or a grandparent you are NC with as they are on the sex offenders list!???

Dreichweather · 21/05/2025 21:17

It’s awful.

In thr my children’s nursery children were only allowed to go with with another adult if parent had prewarned them and the adult had the password.

TinyTempest · 21/05/2025 21:18

A silver tongued fox?? Wtf?

He shouldn't have got within 10 feet of your child if no-one knew him from Adam but I suspect you know that.

If this is true, then your wife needs to complain regardless of what you and foxy think about it.

Tiswa · 21/05/2025 21:20

Yes you need to raise it becuase they shouldn’t have handed her over - yes in this instance it was fine but in others it may not be and they cannot and shouldn’t just accept someone’s word

and maybe put your FIL on the list to collect

Chocolate85 · 21/05/2025 21:20

Most schools and nurseries have a password and list of people with permission. Rule number 1 of releasing a child is you NEVER hand them over to someone you don’t know, you get another staff member, you call the parents, you DO NOT just hand a child over.
There are a lot of children for whom this could have been so dangerous. Report it in writing and insist that something is put in place to prevent it happening again.

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