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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not complain about nursery handing our daughter off to a man they haven’t seen before

180 replies

DefendingPan · 21/05/2025 20:55

So background: my father in law is a silver tongued fox and very personable.

He was visiting the area and decided to pick my daughter up from nursery on the way in, I arrived at the nursery to see him in the doorway, holding her hand and saying goodbye to the nursery staff.

My wife thinks we should complain because they didn’t know him from Adam but I think if we complain they’ll just say that they wouldn’t have let them leave until a parent got here cos he was still technically in the nursery and the nursery is attached to the school and I don’t think kicking up a fuss is the best first impression with the primary school.

Any thoughts? AIBU for not wanting to complain?

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 21/05/2025 21:21

I would definitely make a complaint, this is a safeguarding issue.

yes it’s her grandfather but what if you are NC with him or he is a danger to your child.

i work in early years , when our parents sign their child in, they write on the sign in sheet who is picking their child up and we ask if it changes to contact the nursery, giving us the password so we definitely know it’s the parent, if it isn’t mum or dad picking up we always ask that person for the password.

if it’s not who is supposed to pick the child up or they have forgotten the password we would always phone the parent to double check who is picking up their child and explain the situation.

the adult wouldn’t be allowed in the nursery building until this is all sorted out

Takeoutyourhen · 21/05/2025 21:21

Major safeguarding concern, whether your child said “it’s grandad!” or not.
Your complaint will help them tighten up procedures and make sure that this doesn’t happen again so it’s a really beneficial. Safeguarding children is everyones responsibility especially in nurseries and schools so this should be brought to their attention.

fedup1212 · 21/05/2025 21:22

no I am with your wife. It is a huge safeguarding issue! Adults other than the parents who are picking should have a password. That and if they were expecting yourselves they should have rung you to clarify the arrangements before he even saw your child!

GhostHunterPlay · 21/05/2025 21:22

I'm sorry, but you should have complained. I know you're related to the man who collected your daughter from nursery, but the staff member who allowed him to collect her was totally in the wrong.
There have been many cases of children who were abducted when someone claiming to be someone the child knows - uncle/aunt/grandparent, etc - walked into the school and, walked out with the child. Therefore, the staff member should have explained that until the child's parent arrives, child can't be allowed to leave. It's upsetting for the relative who's being kind, but this is a major safety issue.

Fruitbat99 · 21/05/2025 21:23

pinksquash13 · 21/05/2025 20:59

Poor form from nursery if they expected you. Bit weird that your FIL would do that without telling you. I wouldn't complain, I don't think, because it wasn't a problem. I don't think they'd let a child go off with someone they didn't now. Presumably your child expressed a wish to go to grandad.

Lol thats completely irrelevant

Lmnop22 · 21/05/2025 21:23

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 21/05/2025 21:10

Or, instead of a password, how about the nursery don't hand children out to random people without their parents consent? 😉

Show quote history

I agree with you but I guess leaving it as a judgment call leaves room for error as we see here! Easy to think “child ran up to adult and hugged them shouting Grandpa, therefore child can go with them” and forget about the dangers people who are known to and loved by children can pose.

With a password, they don’t have any discretion, can’t get any backlash and don’t have to make a potentially awkward judgment call.

It’s how my DD’s nursery operates and we haven’t had any issues.

overweightteacher · 21/05/2025 21:25

Wow this is just a NO!! Complain - huge safeguarding red flags! A stranger gets into the nursery building and gains access to your child?!

PeapodMcgee · 21/05/2025 21:25

You don't want to rock the boat, but what if this had happened to someone else's child, where the collector had other motives?

I think you ought to report to management as a concern, couch it as checking their procedures as you were "surprised to find..." if you want to take path of least resistance

Mummyboy1 · 21/05/2025 21:25

I work in a nursery. There are protocols. He shouldnt have even been let into the building / near the rooms. This is a huge red flag and an email/ complaint to the manager needs to be done.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/05/2025 21:26

Has Grandma ever picked her up or been told a password that she's shared with him? If so, the school wouldn't have known it was an unauthorised pickup.

Drawings · 21/05/2025 21:26

YABU - if he has the password or listed on family contact details and approved to pick up.

YABNU - if he’s not listed on anything say he can pick up them raise it, it’s a massive issue for safeguarding

babyproblems · 21/05/2025 21:27

This can’t be real. What if he was your abusive ex? What if there was no contact court order in place?? You definitely need a meeting with the manager to highlight the madness that this is. I think I’d have lost all trust in the nursery. At our nursery, I have to give in signed photo id of anyone I allow to pick up our child and tell the staff that day in writing. no one else is allowed to collect EVER. They have one emergency contact in case of an extreme event (eg car crash and neither DH or I don’t turn up) and even then the police are informed! I just can’t believe this is real. Surely that’s a sackable offence for the member/s of staff.

Trallia · 21/05/2025 21:28

It's very poor.

Our nursery even go to get another staff member who has met my husband - her dad, organiser of all nursery payment admin and cosignatory on our contract with them - to vouch for who he is before they let him collect our daughter. (I do most drop offs and pick ups).

As others have mentioned, they have named contacts and a password system for emergencies.

You can ask what happened and raise a concern without making it a formal complaint or being unpleasant about it...

InterruptingRabbit · 21/05/2025 21:28

What is the system at the nursery for being picked up by someone other than the parents? At my DD’s nursery they made us put people down on the form when she started, along with a password to be used if they picked her up. Do they not have any kind of formal system? Or do they have one, but your FIL isn’t listed as someone who can pick up?

legoplaybook · 21/05/2025 21:28

I'd want an urgent meeting with the manager/head teacher to discuss what happened.
He shouldn't have been able to access the premises let alone take a child.

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 21:30

I once had to pick up a child as an emergency and they made me bring my passport!!

Trallia · 21/05/2025 21:31

That said, a friend told me that there are rather dopey staff at her nursery. They once tried to hand over the wrong child (who was both confused and a bit distressed)...

I guess it's hard to keep track of all the children and parents after a long day!

Frostynoman · 21/05/2025 21:31

Run through the scenarios…

  1. they gave your young daughter to a male stranger* to go home with

  2. they gave your young daughter to a male stranger* to cuddle

Nurseries have procedures such as key words for alternative people to be able to
pick up.

Your nursery abandoned any due diligence and safeguarding procedures here. This is a massive issue

*a stranger to them

WildflowerConstellations · 21/05/2025 21:32

Yes you should complain, they can't just be handing over children willy nilly to random sexy grandad! They have no bloody idea who he is!

Tvp123 · 21/05/2025 21:32

You should complain. At my nephew's nursery anyone who is collecting a child who is not on the regular collectors list needs ID and a password. The parents have to let nursery know in advance too. This is a massive safeguarding issue. Some kids would merrily go off with anyone.

NoisyLemonDog · 21/05/2025 21:32

I'd raise it in a 'just a heads up that this happened' non confrontational way without complaining. It's not normal for any nursery these days but mistakes are made and they need to know.

WildflowerConstellations · 21/05/2025 21:33

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 21:30

I once had to pick up a child as an emergency and they made me bring my passport!!

I had to provide a photo of my mum in order to have her pick up my daughter one day, and I'm glad they were strict about it honestly

ilovesushi · 21/05/2025 21:34

Is he down as an emergency contact or an alternative pick up person? I am guessing not.

Tbrh · 21/05/2025 21:35

InterruptingRabbit · 21/05/2025 21:28

What is the system at the nursery for being picked up by someone other than the parents? At my DD’s nursery they made us put people down on the form when she started, along with a password to be used if they picked her up. Do they not have any kind of formal system? Or do they have one, but your FIL isn’t listed as someone who can pick up?

We have this too. We also have a section that specifies who isn't allowed to pick them up (which I think is more important).

CantStopMoving · 21/05/2025 21:37

I had to fill out a form with people authorised to collect. It had their photos. Even when my MiL went to collect one time, because they hadn’t actually met her they still called me!

your nursery have broken every single rule- what happened if it turns out he wasn’t the grandfather?

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