To not complain about nursery handing our daughter off to a man they haven’t seen before

[DefendingPan]

So background: my father in law is a silver tongued fox and very personable.

He was visiting the area and decided to pick my daughter up from nursery on the way in, I arrived at the nursery to see him in the doorway, holding her hand and saying goodbye to the nursery staff.

My wife thinks we should complain because they didn’t know him from Adam but I think if we complain they’ll just say that they wouldn’t have let them leave until a parent got here cos he was still technically in the nursery and the nursery is attached to the school and I don’t think kicking up a fuss is the best first impression with the primary school.

Any thoughts? AIBU for not wanting to complain?

This!

I would phrase this as feedback to the senior person in charge of the nursery rather than a complaint (unless you actually want to make a complaint). "X just happened. We are very normally so happy with the care at the nursery, but I wanted to feedback as think it is a safeguarding concern. Please can you review."

I had a very different issue I spoke to our nursery about in this way that I thought could be a safeguarding concern. They were super nice to me about it, let me know the changes they had made to procedure ect. If you do this and they don't respond appropriately then you may think you need to complain of course.

Omg if this really happened id be complaining to the nursery and also taking it further. I can’t believe they would hand a child over to an unknown, un pre-arranged man. Our nursery has a password system and also asks that we let them know in advance if someone else is collecting

I find that odd. Surely the people who aren’t allowed to pick them up is just literally anyone not on the list of who can pick them up?

My (insane and dangerous) mother tried to snatch DS1 from nursery once. Luckily his key worker knew all about her and wouldn’t have released him - but if she had got that far, DS1 would have gone with her willingly.

Don’t minimise this. Your wife is right.

I would raise the issue as a complaint at nursery level, report them and remove my child from their care immediately.

Absolutely insane!

My mum went to pick DS up once as I was poorly and even though they had seen her a couple of times with me at pick up they still rang me to confirm.

I would encourage you to complain as well and I just wanted to share that it does make a difference. My reception child was collected by after school club 2 nights a week. The first term she was collected then was chatting to a friend and started walking home with them as we did on other evenings. The Mum of the friend got a little way before the crowd thinned out and she realised she had my daughter but not me, and took her back to school. Now when we see small children in hi viz jackets we remind her it is because of her!
The ASC changed their policy because I complained that they collected my 4yo child and let her walk out of school. Luckily she was found by a sensible Mum. Someone less astute could have assumed she was supposed to be going home, or let her visit their house - there are plenty of well meaning people who could have made a daft decision in the moment, predators aren't the only risk. Please complain so they improve.

Voted the wrong way. OFC you should complain!!!

I’d have serious concerns about the nursery to be honest @DefendingPan.
Authorised people in only for kids pick ups should be an absolute non-negotiable.

How did he manage to get near the room with the kids in if nobody knew who he was? We literally have 3 locked doors to get to our kids room and there is a staff member at every one for drop off and pick up.

We have a list of authorised people for pick ups along with photographs in each child’s care plan. And a list of anyone who is NOT allowed under any circumstances.

If he’d turned up at our nursery he would have been left standing outside the front door.

The child shouldn’t have been in a position to run up to anyone.

Belt and braces. Unnecessary for the lucky ones who don't have any dodgy people in their orbit but very useful for those who do.

Recently I arrived to pick up my daughter (7) from a club and the lady running it said “oh… I gave her to [friend]’s mum”. I looked around at the empty car park and then looked at the lady and said very calmly but sternly “Right. Well then where is she?”

And in that moment the lady knew she had f**ked up. The colour drained from her face. We found the girls and the mum (they had popped into a shop 🙄) and the lady apologised profusely to me and said she would never do it again.

If this happened with a nursery age child (even if a grandparent) I would struggle not to report it. It’s such a huge risk. If you’re feeling friendlier than me, you could say something like “I’m a bit confused as when I arrived on [] it looked like [] was being handed over to [my FIL]. He’s not an approved collector and didn’t know the password, so I just want to check what happened”. They may fob you off and claim they weren’t going to let him leave with your child, but they won’t do it again.

No you don’t. The only people who are allowed to pick up a child are those with PR or who’ve had it delegated via consent to collect. It isn’t the whole world can collect unless we’ve said no. That’s utterly insane.

Seconded. Our nursery had a photo of my mother in reception so they knew not to let her any further, and to contact me immediately. I was embarrassed about it, but they assured me they had done the same many times for undesirable fathers who weren’t allowed contact.

I would go nuclear over this. Get all the facts first. If your child was about to leave with them and there’s no record of Grandad being an approved pickup person they have majorly fucked up. Even if he is recorded my child’s preschool still call unless I have called to say someone else is collecting and even then it can only be someone on the our family list.

Is this real? That's terrifying! Please complain and report. Huge safeguarding concern

Gosh this is really, really bad!!!! If I had done that and I work with small children, I would have severe repercussions and gosh heaven forbid it wasn’t who he said he was! I would never ever let a child go home with someone who I didn’t 100% know about! Often, I just get the new face to call a parent and I speak on their phone to confirm. I am always thanked as they know I have their child’s safety at the forefront!

For the sake of your child, all of the other children and the nursery themselves you have to draw their attention to this.

It doesn't matter how silver tongued your FIL is, or if your daughter recognised him and begged to go with him or anything else. If he's not on the authorised list of people to collect and/or didn't have the password he shouldn't have got anywhere near your child.

It's a major safeguarding issue. A child could be seriously harmed being handed over to someone they shouldn't be.

You don't know what nursery is going to say. You've made up an excuse because you obviously don't like confrontation.

The sooner you work on that the better, as a parent you're going to need to stand up for your DCs whether you're comfortable or not.

Are you joking? Absolutely complain, that's a huge safeguarding issue.

WTAF!!? My child would be unenrolled the same day and I would be contacting OFSTED so fast. They would have no argument that they weren't handing her over as he was holding her hand and they were standing at the door! This is absolutely shocking.

I’m usually trying to be the voice of calm about not complaining but this needs to be flagged. He absolutely should not have been allowed near your child if a) they didn’t know him and b) you hadn’t advised them he would be collecting- it’s the very basics of safeguarding.

No you don’t. The only people who are allowed to pick up a child are those with PR or who’ve had it delegated via consent to collect. It isn’t the whole world can collect unless we’ve said no. That’s utterly insane.

It's very common to have a section highlighting people who may try and collect a child when they shouldn't.

For example in my DN's case someone with PR isn't allowed to collect (and that is court ordered) so that section is absolutely important for some children.

It's absolutely not the same as saying anyone else can collect.

all our schools / nurseries have a list of allowed people to collect. Does yours and is he on it? If so then fine but if not that’s outrageous