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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really embarrassed haha!!

424 replies

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:23

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

OP posts:
JIMER202 · 21/05/2025 21:51

ObliviousCoalmine · 21/05/2025 19:26

You’re invited to the hen, an abroad one nonetheless, and not invited to the wedding? I’d be thinking long and hard if I wanted to drop foreign holiday money on a woman who doesn’t think I cut the mustard to come to the wedding day, but I’m good for a hen. Madness.

This is what makes her not inviting you cunty. I wouldn’t be inviting her to anything in the future. I hope she hasn’t the other 11 and just not you?!

Goalie55 · 21/05/2025 21:52

Foodfiend2025 · 21/05/2025 21:48

Could it be it's a child free wedding and that's why you're not invited as the bride has presumed you can't get child care? Whatever the reason she is not a nice person to do this to you OP

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But has childcare to go abroad for longer than a wedding! If it’s 2 years away some of these women could have a baby by then!

moderndilemma · 21/05/2025 21:52

It sounds like bride is having 2 separate events. One is 'her' pre-wedding party with the hens (aka anyone willing to party and celebrate her upcoming nuptials). The other is her wedding with her family, close friends, and all those on her dp's side.

Often the hen event involves only a subsection of the wedding guests. That subgroup being wholly within the wedding guest population.

This bride sees it more as a Venn diagram, with a group of people invited on the pre-wedding celebration, and a group of people who are wedding guests. Some are in both groups.

You might need time to work out how you feel about this and whether you are happy to be in one part of the group. It's particularly hard that of your friendship group you're the only one not included in both events, but that doesn't mean you have to exclude yourself from the pre-wedding celebration, if you think you'd otherwise enjoy it.

Daysofcake · 21/05/2025 21:53

Mountainfrog · 21/05/2025 19:39

I wouldn’t go to a hen do for a wedding I wasn’t invited to

^This, no way would I be paying to go abroad for a hen do (with all the usual chat, games and gossip about the bride & groom and the upcoming wedding), without being invited to the actual wedding! It would be super awkward.

It sounds like she’s a real cow OP, and I totally get it - it’s crushing to discover that someone you liked and thought was a close friend had a different view of the friendship. Is she jealous of you in some way maybe? But it’s possibly good to find out now that she’s actually a bit two-faced.

Foodfiend2025 · 21/05/2025 21:55

Goalie55 · 21/05/2025 21:52

But has childcare to go abroad for longer than a wedding! If it’s 2 years away some of these women could have a baby by then!

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Honestly I was clutching at straws as I just don't understand the brides thought process behind all this. It's so unkind.

JIMER202 · 21/05/2025 21:55

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:51

Yes, it’s been organised by her. I’d agree normally, but think maybe her approach to hen is slightly different, I know a few people she works with have been invited that aren’t invited to her wedding - conversation from a few weeks ago x

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She’s is really bloody weird to be inviting people to her hen and not to the wedding! She sounds like a grabby twat honestly because every hen do I have attended we have done at least one paid for thing for the bride like paid for their activities, their share of accommodation, their meal out etc depending on the extent of the hen. It does still feel reciprocal as they pay for your meal when you attend the wedding etc.

Do not spend your money on this arse who couldn’t even be bothered to give any reason why you didn’t get an invite to the wedding, but is happy to have you spend your money on her.

hadenough500 · 21/05/2025 21:55

Mate this is horrible ! If you’re invited to the hen do you should automatically be invited to the wedding. She sounds bitchy and cruel. She isn’t your friend because real friends would make you feel how you’re feeling now. She’s pushed you out right under your nose. Don’t go to the hen x

Original poster
BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 21:56

bramblefoot · 21/05/2025 21:47

The fact she's covertly delivering invited when you're in the vicinity is what makes odd to me. She obviously knows it's potentially hurtful or she wouldn't have any need whatsoever to go about it in that way.

I'm with you in the sense that I wouldn't be massively fussed OP but I equally would gracefully decline the hen do invite, no way would i spend money on a destination hen if I wasn't considered to even an invite to the evening do of the wedding. She wouldn't really have any leg to stand on if you dipping out of the hen do was an issue for her - everyone knows a hen do invite should realistically mean you're on the guest least- evening do at the very least. You've nothing to be embarrassed about.

Thank you!

So sorry just to clarify, I explained that quite poorly in my original post - I’d arrived and parked and could see them from a fair distance I’d been on nights so was just having a moment before getting out haha, not sure they had any idea I was there. It didn’t look like a “quick take this!” type situation. I only knew it was an invite as I’d seen someone else’s and the envelope is a bright distinctive colour. Just wanted to clarify as in the name of fairness, she didn’t do it in an overt way to rub it in, or a sly way, she did just take it out her bag and hand it to our other friend who looked to be expecting it 😘xx

OP posts:
Hollieandtheivie · 21/05/2025 21:57

MissAmbrosia · 21/05/2025 19:47

It's maybe just me, but I'd go on foreign fun hen do and skip the boring wedding bit any day 😎

I agree with this. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, as my mother would say. Do you want to go to the hen? Will you feel sad if you miss out? Don't make the decision until you've had time to think about it.

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 21/05/2025 21:58

I'm so pleased to hear you won't be attending the hen do OP. Spend your time and money on people who are worthy of your friendship. You sound like a good friend and nice person. I'd give this one some space and concentrate on other people.

JIMER202 · 21/05/2025 21:59

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 20:26

Update - bride must have mentioned to a few of the girls I’m not invited to the wedding tonight at spin (I skipped it - not cos of this, cos I’m lazy 😏) as I’ve had some texts outside the group chat being a bit scandalised on my behalf. I’m not getting embroiled in any drama and have replied just super factually. I didn’t need that but DO feel a bit better that other people (along with you lovely lot) feel the exclusion is a bit harsh. The general consensus from the couple of messages are “surely you’re not gonna fork out a few grand for Marbella now” and some general moaning about unrealistic expectations, so I’ll send my message tomorrow, then leave it at that!!! Honestly, bloody weddings 😂

A few grand!! Jiminy Christmas Op! Spend that on a fab treat for yourself!

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 21/05/2025 21:59

ObliviousCoalmine · 21/05/2025 19:26

You’re invited to the hen, an abroad one nonetheless, and not invited to the wedding? I’d be thinking long and hard if I wanted to drop foreign holiday money on a woman who doesn’t think I cut the mustard to come to the wedding day, but I’m good for a hen. Madness.

This in spades. ^ @BecFlowers Good for you for not being snitty and arsey about it. I probably would be LOL! But seriously, I wouldn't be going to the hen do abroad. Not when I'm not invited to the wedding. That's batshit. I would try to come up with an excuse and not come. Even if it meant saying 'I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable coming to the hen do as I'm not coming to the wedding.' If it causes awkwardness so be it. She will have been the one to start it by not inviting you to the wedding, but wanting you at the hen do abroad.

And sending out invitations to a wedding that's 2 years away. Batshit!

greengreyblue · 21/05/2025 22:00

I think bride should have spoken to you to explain that she was limiting numbers at the wedding due to costs or whatever and has known the others longer. However she would love you to come on the hen do. That may have left you feeling better than just being ignored among the others getting invitations. I think you’re behaving impeccably. Just think what else you can treat yourself to with the money saved. You will emerge with your dignity intact and your bank account healthy. 😜

JIMER202 · 21/05/2025 22:00

Hollieandtheivie · 21/05/2025 21:57

I agree with this. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, as my mother would say. Do you want to go to the hen? Will you feel sad if you miss out? Don't make the decision until you've had time to think about it.

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You’d spend several thousand pounds to celebrate someone treating you like shit? She hasn’t otherwise been a good friend or given a reasonable explanation like numbers etc to explain why OP can’t come to the wedding. I’d sooner spend the money on myself than someone like this bride.

Glitchymn1 · 21/05/2025 22:00

Oh well her loss I’d say. I wouldn’t go to the hen either!

Original poster
BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 22:01

Hollieandtheivie · 21/05/2025 21:57

I agree with this. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, as my mother would say. Do you want to go to the hen? Will you feel sad if you miss out? Don't make the decision until you've had time to think about it.

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No, I don’t think so. It’s a lot of money to spend and the core people I know (the other 10 girls, 11 including the bride) are going to the wedding. I think I’d feel it more keenly if I went. I often miss things with my job and having a young baby so I’d rather just not be part of the whole thing rather than attend the hen knowing I am the sole person from that particular group that isn’t attending the wedding, if that makes sense? Especially as I am a bit hurt and embarrassed and I’d rather gracefully sit it out 🤗x

OP posts:
Fatrollypolly · 21/05/2025 22:04

Hen do invitees should be invited to the wedding! Absolutely bizarre behaviour from her.

PollyPJ · 21/05/2025 22:06

You sound lovely and gracious and reasonable and I think you should save the cash but take the leave with your baby
It's really mean to ask to an expensive hen and not even an evening invite.

cheeseomelette · 21/05/2025 22:06

I will never understand why some women do this kind of thing to their friends. It just makes no sense.

agree with others you sound lovely and are handling this with class and grace

HalfTermLooming · 21/05/2025 22:09

Foodfiend2025 · 21/05/2025 21:48

Could it be it's a child free wedding and that's why you're not invited as the bride has presumed you can't get child care? Whatever the reason she is not a nice person to do this to you OP

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Given the op’s child isn’t going on the hen party, which will be at least a similar length of time to the wedding weekend if not longer, I think it is unlikely the bride thinks the op wouldn’t be ok to arrange childcare for wedding.

Hollieandtheivie · 21/05/2025 22:09

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 22:01

No, I don’t think so. It’s a lot of money to spend and the core people I know (the other 10 girls, 11 including the bride) are going to the wedding. I think I’d feel it more keenly if I went. I often miss things with my job and having a young baby so I’d rather just not be part of the whole thing rather than attend the hen knowing I am the sole person from that particular group that isn’t attending the wedding, if that makes sense? Especially as I am a bit hurt and embarrassed and I’d rather gracefully sit it out 🤗x

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Sounds well thought out and not a knee jerk reaction. Makes sense to me! Just wanted to play devil's advocate in case there was some fun to be had on the trip. I can see what you mean though.

Lesina · 21/05/2025 22:13

Drop the hen and tell her to do one. Seriously she isn’t a friend

Youdmakeagreattraitor · 21/05/2025 22:14

Remember something quite similar happened to me. Had a friend who was getting married the same year as I was. I moved heaven and earth to be able to attend her hen do and (abroad) wedding - rota issues! She didn’t bother coming to either my hen do or my wedding.

I took it that I valued her more than she did me- unfortunately I never saw her in the same light afterwards. I couldn’t ’unsee’ that her priority was to look popular rather than true friendship and it made me go off her massively.

Original poster
BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 22:15

Hollieandtheivie · 21/05/2025 22:09

Sounds well thought out and not a knee jerk reaction. Makes sense to me! Just wanted to play devil's advocate in case there was some fun to be had on the trip. I can see what you mean though.

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Of course! And there deff would be fun to be had on the trip but, from some of the replies tonight I really have realised that it’s a lot of investment (money, time, golden annual leave etc) in someone else’s wedding celebrations when I’m not invited to celebrate at the wedding, do you know what I mean?! Made me realise it’s not fair on ME and I wish her the best hen do and the best wedding but that’s my involvement done 🤗x

OP posts:
Thejackrussellsrule · 21/05/2025 22:15

It's her loss, you sound like a lovely friend and whatever happens in the future, she's damaged your friendship and loyalty. I can't believe she'd leave 1 person out if a friendship group 😔

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