To feel really embarrassed haha!!

[BecFlowers]

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

Ah I get it OP, sorry, perhaps it was me who misunderstood. Broadly speaking though she can't be so obtuse not to realise that it's odd to invite to the hen and not the wedding or to clock that it may feel strange for you as the only party in a notional group not to be included.

I think you're absolutely right to not make much of it though, bowing out of the hen gracefully is the best option. You may as well save your money in this instance! I'd send a card and my best wishes and not make anything out of it.

Good for you @BecFlowers . Just leave them to it. As has been said, just politely decline. And don't be swayed. Stand firm and stick with no, and absolutely say you can't see any point in going to a hen do - for a 'bride to be' - when you're not invited to the wedding. Please don't back down and end up going if the 'bride to be' tries to be passive aggressive, and tries to manipulate you or guilt trip you into coming.

I'm sorry if you have already said, but is anyone else in this friendship group not invited? Or is it just you?

Also, why is the hen do costing several thousands of pounds?!

.

Oh I’m sorry, I bet that stung! That’s exactly what’s made me feel so argh, realising I’ve really valued a friendship with someone who clearly does not place even remotely the same value on me, so I completely relate!

Ah, the rota issues. The bloody bane 😂

Promise I won’t, I’m definitely not going! This thread has been so helpful in making me realise I should not be attending.

And I’d love to give you an answer but I don’t really know - flights, hotels, activities. It’s amounted to a hideous total already and it will probably go up again by next year 😂

@BecFlowers OP you’re doing really well. To leave one person out of a group of 12 is so obvious and deliberate, it would actually be easier for her to invite everyone! I sincerely hope some of the others pull her up about it, she’s out of order. Sending good karma your way ♥️

Inviting someone to a hen party but not the actual wedding is just rude. Only reason it would be okay if it was a super small family only wedding. Really weird and rude.

Well done for your grace and dignity. Let the dust settle and next time she mentions dates/ money you confirm that you won’t be going on the hen . If anyone asks - you are not keen. Not great value for a few days when annual leave is limited .

Yep exactly! You can always blame the rota if you don’t feel comfortable saying what you think about why you aren’t attending the hen do. When you’re in a big group like that I’d understand prioritising the longer term friendships over this tbh, you don’t want anything being turned back around and making you look bad.
ultimately - you know where you stand with her now which can only be a good thing!
and yes like lots of PPs have said, you sound lovely and very undeserving of this- sorry it’s happened.

Having read more of the thread I would feel relieved as it sounds like a long two years of them bitching and complaining.

Good that your other friends know that you’ve not been invited to the wedding, as they’ll understand then why you’re declining the hen invite. You wouldn’t want down the line for it to be twisted that she’s not invited you to the wedding because you can’t be bothered to make the effort to go to the hen.

Really? OP is the only one out of a group of 12 who isn't invited? Is that right @BecFlowers ??? If that's the case, that is fecking disgusting.

Right, I laughed out loud at the person who said they hope the bride comes home from the hen with shits and in what I believe they call instant karma, I’ve now got to go to work at 10:30pm. Thank you ALL so much, it’s been beyond helpful - have a fantastic evening and I solemnly promise one more time I won’t go to the hen do 😂thanks again all ♥️ xx

Maybe you should move on to more mature friends everyone sounds like they are 12

Yes, someone who can do something like this is just not a nice person and I just wouldn’t invest anymore into the friendship.

Is there a hen do whatsapp group? I’d be torn about leaving it or not.

Exactly this. I think it would honestly be odd if it the OP did go to the hen to be honest. The rest of the group will 100% understand @BecFlowers

Nope, a group of mature, professional, intelligent women who are largely brilliant. This is one person and one scenario - not an accurate judgment, I’m afraid x

Just me who would enjoy going to the hen and pulling over exaggerated awkward faces every time someone mentioned the wedding?

Hen “Ooh I’m so excited for the wedding!”
Me “Yes so would I be if I’d been invited.”

Hen “What is everyone wearing for the wedding?”
Me “Well I’m not invited, so I don’t need to worry about that.”

Do you not feel there’s a possibility she might add you to the wedding guest list later down the line? What do you think you’d say OP if she sent you an invite nearer the time/ after she’s invited everyone else?

Do you have a friend in the group who you’re close enough to for them to ask the bride why you’re not invited? I can see you’re at peace with it, but if I were you (or even one of the others in the friendship group) I’d be intrigued to know. Like if I was one of the friends I’d be asking the bride “Why haven’t you invited BecFlowers? Is that not going to be a bit awkward?” Well I mean maybe they have asked her that. But would any of them share with you what her reasoning would be?

I hope she gets the shits on her wedding day. 💩

(Too much?) 😆

Yes @BecFlowers I do think one of the other friends in the group should ask this woman why you're not invited (as @NoSleepOver said.)

OP you've handled this perfectly.

I also agree with you that there's nothing wrong with the other girls not automatically refusing en masse to attend just because you're not invited (whilst agreeing it is rude to expect you to come to the hen!). They have their relationships with her, you have yours. As fellow guests they don't get to determine who is invited.

it's easy for poster/s who suggested you take issue with them as well to encourage additional drama to entertain themselves from the sidelines when this is your actual life!

I would add up how much the marbella hen AND going to the wedding/buying a dress/wedding present/taxi or hotel etc would cost and think yourself lucky to not be involved (and then spend some of that money on a nice treat/holiday for you and your family!)

The cheeky mare. Good enough to shell out for the hen but not to the actual wedding 🤨 Save your money to do something with proper friends who don’t treat you as a nice extra when it suits them.

I’m also now (nosily) wondering what OP’s high paid job is that she starts at 10.30pm 🤨
Joking! (but also not LOL)

She just wants a fan club at her hen do, the more the merrier for that.

I wouldn’t go to the hen do, if you're embarrassed now think how you’ll feel if you’re the only one at the hen not going to the wedding!