To feel really embarrassed haha!!

[BecFlowers]

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

It’s not at all spineless. It’s polite.

Only a self-absorbed person would make a fuss about not being invited to someone else’s wedding. No one’s entitled to be invited. No point making a fuss and causing bad vibes, stress or drama for the person getting married.

Be kind. But don’t consider them a close friend. And don’t feel obliged to go to the hen. It’s up to you if you want to go.

Oooh I know this so I’ll tell you 🤣 two of the girls are lawyers and have certain times due to their jobs where annual leave is not allowed to be taken. Booking annual leave in my job can be a - I’m going to use the word farce 🤣 - due to when we get our rotas, hospital demand, lists, other leave, all sorts and one friend mentioned me and how much she knows I get stressed when a big event is coming up and I can’t lock down my annual leave. Bride replied that I was only invited to the hen do and not the wedding anyway - so bit boring really, sorry 🤣 xx

Edit - I didn’t ask how it was brought up, my friend likes to give all the context when telling a tale 🤣

Sounds like a good plan. I think your text was very well phrased and pitched and it wouldn't do any harm to send it now, but sending it so promptly would reveal how miffed you are and maybe you want to appear less bothered about the whole thing.

You aren’t the one who should be embarrassed.

the person who invited you to their abroad hen do but then didn’t invite you to their wedding should be.

Also, it’d cost you way more money to go on her hen than it’ll be costing her per head at the wedding (day or evening guest). Yet she’s not prepared to spend even the lesser amount on you. Speaks volumes

Why on earth has she invited you to the hen party then???!! Surely thats insanity and is going to be really fucking awkward?? I can’t believe anyone would do that?? Why oh why. I honestly would probably just ghost her a bit given she actually doesn’t care for you much clearly and if she asks why I’d genuinely say you aren’t bothered about the wedding - each to their own - but why would she invite you on the hen?? I just think it makes her seem really two faced tbh! I’ve never heard of someone being invited on the hen and not to the wedding. It’s unbelievably rude! I hope you won’t go on the hen op, save your money xxx

Send your original message about not going on the hen do (that was too nice as it is but still ok). Don’t want until the planning and then say you can’t make those dates, at least if you send your message she will have some idea that you are upset about not being invited.

Also genuinely wondering how she thinks you can continue the friendship after this?? Is she going to apologise and say she doesn’t have the budget or just never mention it?!? And if it’s the latter how awkward is that every time you see her in future surely

@BecFlowers - I had something similar where someone I’m very fond of invited me only to her evening reception whilst inviting many of our mutual friends to her whole wedding. Like you, I could absolutely see the reasoning - the line has to be drawn somewhere and it made sense that I fell the wrong side - but I felt strangely embarrassed and ashamed not to have made the cut.

I wasn’t invited to the hen and I’m glad I wasn’t.

In your case, the bride to be may genuinely see the hen do as an opportunity to include people she hasn’t invited - or can’t (due to cost-related restrictions on numbers perhaps) invite - to the wedding. But I think it would be too uncomfortable to be amongst people who are mostly invited. So in your shoes, I would bow out.

FWIW, the friend in question is still dear to me. The wedding was several years ago so it is all history now.

We all enjoy someone who gives context without asking 😆

I hope the bride goes home and gets the shits

You don’t invite people on your hen do that aren’t invited to the wedding. You just don’t. Complete dick move.

Oh bless you, @BecFlowers You sound so lovely. Absolutely doing the right thing, don't make a drama out of it. But absolutely don't go to the hen - that's so rude to expect people to shell out loads for a hen when they're not even invited to the wedding. You're not an extra in her life movie,

I'd love to know what the bride's response was when the others asked her why you weren't invited to the wedding but were invited to the hen! I think you sound completely brilliant and level-headed in your approach @BecFlowers. Yes, def wait until the hen message comes round before pulling out – I have a feeling, because it's now been discussed in the spin class, that you'll get a breezy message from bride in the next couple of days being all excited about hen and trying to smooth things over. Even if they didn't come out and say how appalling they think she's being, I bet their expressions still said it!

OP i would prepare yourself for the possibility that you may actually get invited to the wedding after all. You’re probably on a B-list, and there’ll be A-listers who can’t come, so you could end up with an invitation. It’s Worth figuring out what you’ll say.

I think your message sounds perfect OP, I actually think you are behaving so graciously in the circumstances.

I also think you sound lovely and you are handling this admirably.

I hope you manage to channel Phoebe from Friends and say about the hen do, "I wish I could, but I don't want to."

you just sound so nice! So do your spin friends bar the bride 😆.

Why on earth has she invited you to the hen party then???!!

For the SM photos of all her masses of friends. Shallow bitch.

The fact she's covertly delivering invited when you're in the vicinity is what makes odd to me. She obviously knows it's potentially hurtful or she wouldn't have any need whatsoever to go about it in that way.

I'm with you in the sense that I wouldn't be massively fussed OP but I equally would gracefully decline the hen do invite, no way would i spend money on a destination hen if I wasn't considered to even an invite to the evening do of the wedding. She wouldn't really have any leg to stand on if you dipping out of the hen do was an issue for her - everyone knows a hen do invite should realistically mean you're on the guest least- evening do at the very least. You've nothing to be embarrassed about.

I think she’s one of these woman who’s nice to your face, over shares as she loves to talk about herself but mean behind people’s back. You on the other hand sound lovely, I wouldn’t say anything about not being invited to the wedding. Once messages questioning hen do numbers, I wouldn’t answer and if questioned, say you have another engagement or have to work!

Could it be it's a child free wedding and that's why you're not invited as the bride has presumed you can't get child care? Whatever the reason she is not a nice person to do this to you OP

This!

OP you’ve dealt with this so well. You are a class act x

I’m sorry OP that you’ve been on the receiving end of someone’s utter lack of manners.

It’s incredibly ignorant and arrogant to invite someone to an expensive/abroad hen do and not to the wedding.

If she’s trying to reduce her own costs, she’s grabby and if she’s trying to look popular for SM, she’s vacuous and vapid . I’m cringing for her. I’d be so ashamed if my kids acted that way.

Please don’t feel embarrassed. She’s not worth it, as real-life friends have pointed out. People see through (although turn a blind eye to) this kind of behaviour. You are lucky to have seen what she’s really like before you spend much time, money or energy on her.

Just be glad you aren’t that bloody rude and self-involved!