To feel really embarrassed haha!!

[BecFlowers]

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

You sound gloriously sane, OP! If anyone asks why you are pulling out of the hen, may I recommend "I'm so sorry, but I find I have a subsequent engagement".

@Hankunamatatayou’ve got a really good point about the over sharing thing and it’s made me reevaluate a situation that had me a bit confused and hurt in the past. Thank you!

what a rude entitled cow

I actually wouldn't even send her a text to bow out. She's not had the decency to speak to you and explain her reasoning of why you aren't invited to the wedding.

I'd just wait till the hen do plans start in the group chat and wouldn't contribute one message. Then if she says x are you coming, I'd just say "Oh sorry I presumed I wouldn't be included as I'm not a guest at the wedding, no I won't be attending hope you have the best time celebrating"

Oh wow! She is such a dick. Obviously don't go to the hen if that's still refundable. Save your time and your money for something and someone better.

Exactly this. It's so very cringe when brides do this - they want the "look at meeeee, all my friends have come abroad for meeeee, I'm the centre of attention" posts on Insta and FB for the likes and adulation. Yet some of the same guests aren't even invited to the wedding? WTF? It's like the daytime/evening guest thing times 10.

I fully understand having a very low-key wedding with the wedding party being only around 20 people or so, if that's what you want. But those are the kind of people who are going to want a low-key hen (if any hen at all), not the big expensive Ibiza bender that seems to be in the in thing now.

To have the Ibiza weekender and exclude some of the people on it from the actual wedding? No, just no. They are not real friends.

She’s so rude. Dont go to the Hen. And grow a spine and tell her why!

But why would you want to be friends with someone who spouts "drunken nasty bullshit" on a night out and denies it next day?

I am totally bemused at the way some female so-called friendship groups seem to operate.

I’m glad it’s out in the open.

Once you’ve told the bride you’re not going to the hen do, mention it to these friends in the chat, it might spur them to also not attend the hen do and spend thousands.

I assume some venues, accommodation, flights etc have to be booked a long time in advance. And people invited before they make other arrangements (e.g. accept other early wedding invites) and so numbers can be confirmed.

Being empathetic if everything’s having to be booked now, numbers confirmed for both wedding and hen do, could be a bit stressful for some people to juggle and think of everyone. She may be having loads of grief with her family/extended family that the friends know nothing about. Most things like this are lack of thought or incompetence, rather than deliberate nastiness.

However, I agree a considerate person or good friend would’ve thought how OP would feel and at least explained ahead of sending out invites.

Just wait until the planning for the hen begins and say you can’t make those dates. Simple, no drama.

I wouldn’t send the text you were planning to (and agree with a pp that it’s far too nice) tomorrow if there have been a lot of texts flying around the group about it today

It will look like it’s linked to that even though you were already planning to drop out and could make you look petty in her eyes which could backfire and she could use that against you.

Let things calm down and send it at the weekend.

You are absolutely right not to go to the hen do OP. You sound very dignified. I would just deal with it and move on and focus on the other friends. This reflects so much more on the bride than on you. Good luck.

Who invites someone to a hen do and not the wedding?!? How utterly weird. Surely a hen do is like 10 people and a wedding like 100 so the hens are chosen from the 100 wedding guests. Not some different bunch of people??

don’t be embarrassed OP it’s not your fault. Also please don’t go to the hen -
fuck em

This

I don’t not have a spine. If she asks me directly, I will answer directly. I will not message her and say I’m not coming to your hen do because you didn’t invite me to your wedding - it’s at odds with my personality. It’s not being spineless to handle something differently to the way you would - telling me to grow a spine isn’t helpful advice. I think it’s really interesting how you’d call her rude but then end your comment telling me to get a spine, if I can be honest with you. I have a spine of steel in certain circumstances, but confronting friends or being involved in any sort of drama or conflict in my personal life isn’t one of those areas. Thanks though :)

Great shout, I won’t say anything until it’s next mentioned or she asks for numbers etc - no need to reach out and confirm it now, a few people have said the same. I’ll leave it and send the message next time she starts a conversation related to planning xx

I'm pleased your friends have reached out and are disappointed you aren't invited.

you sound lovely and I hope she's the one embarrassed at some point about it.

i do want to know how it was brought up in spin though and what was said 🙊

This.
Fuck forking out loads of money so she can feel like miss popular when she doesn’t even rate you as a mate 🤷🏼‍♀️
You’re worth more than that.

This was me. It wasn’t abroad thank God but hundreds of miles away and I of course shared the cost of accommodation, activities etc. Slept on a sofa 2 nights as they hadn’t bothered booking enough fucking beds - WTAF?! Was the only person not invited to the whole wedding and there were 15ish of us. That was humiliating so I understand how you feel.

The friendship was over for me after that. You don’t other treat ppl like that.

It makes me wonder whether it's a child free wedding and maybe she doesn't want the awkwardness of telling you... but I'm probably clutching at straws.

How many thousands of pounds are people expected to fork out now for peoples nuptials? Are you expected to buy a present too?

I wonder given the timescales whether you’re sitting on some reserve list so if enough people decline you might get an invitation nearer the date.

I asked ChatGPT how to decline and this was the proposed message …. You need to remove those dashes unless you want her to know it was created by an AI ( 😂)

“Thanks so much for the invite to the hen weekend — it sounds like it’ll be a brilliant trip and I hope you all have a fantastic time. I’ve had a think and I’m going to give it a miss, but I really appreciate being thought of.

Wishing you all the best for the wedding and everything that comes with it — I’m sure it’ll be a beautiful day.”

it offered to produce a slightly cooler one if you didn’t want to sound too chirpy.

From your posts it seems you can afford the hen do and have the childcare. So if all your actual friends are going and you were invited and think it would be fun then I’d say you should still go for it.

you could pre empt any potential awkwardness by posting on the what’s app something like ‘I’m absolutely not missing out on Marbella and will be joining for the cocktails, beach and fun times. You’ll find me lazing by the pool if there’s any wedding planning happening tho as I’m not invited to that’ Or similar. Obviously only if you want to go tho. Hen dos are my personal idea of hell but you seem quite keen if it’s with most of your friends. Xx

Can tou not let her know she hasn't given you an invite yet and see her reaction. She's the one who should be embarrassed.

She is absolutely taking the piss expecting you to go on an abroad hen party and then leaving you out of the wedding. She doesn’t sound like a friend AT ALL.