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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really embarrassed haha!!

424 replies

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:23

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

OP posts:
justjuggling · 21/05/2025 22:45

I absolutely wouldn’t be going on the hen do. Not in a million years would I sit listening to them all chat about the wedding and pay towards the bride having an abroad hen do if I was excluded from the wedding like that.

Fruitbatdancer · 21/05/2025 22:53

You sound lovely OP. And I am agog at the idea of bridexilla sending invites now for 2027?!? Whaaaat. So far away probably won’t even happen! 😉

aylis · 21/05/2025 22:53

Is that normal to invite people to a hen but not the wedding? I saw earlier it said some from work had been invited to the hen but not the wedding also. I've just never heard of that. It sounds incredibly entitled.

MumWifeOther · 21/05/2025 22:53

Don’t go to the hen do! Just gracefully bow out - no dramas. Sorry the bride has been a c*nt.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 21/05/2025 23:03

I think I might say, “Hi Penelope, hope everything is going well. Because it gets so expensive and because leave is so complicated with my job, I don’t go to abroad hen dos unless I’m also invited to the wedding. Completely understand you need to limit wedding numbers and hope you have a lovely time.”

FloofyKat · 21/05/2025 23:04

I don’t understand why anyone would invite guests to harness party but not to the wedding itself. Makes no sense. I’d not be going to the hen do and would be finding myself lots of nice ‘me’ things to do instead,

Renabrook · 21/05/2025 23:06

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 22:34

Nope, a group of mature, professional, intelligent women who are largely brilliant. This is one person and one scenario - not an accurate judgment, I’m afraid x

Show quote history

Well if everyone was as mature as you think they are there would have been no need for the thread in the first place

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 21/05/2025 23:09

aylis · 21/05/2025 22:53

Is that normal to invite people to a hen but not the wedding? I saw earlier it said some from work had been invited to the hen but not the wedding also. I've just never heard of that. It sounds incredibly entitled.

Yeah this. ^ I don't know anyone in real life who this has ever happened to. (I'm not saying I don't believe people on here by the way. Smile I just think it's really weird behaviour and don't know anyone who has ever done it... Invited people to a big hen do who isn't invited to the wedding.)

I mean, I have known people get married (way in the past - pre 2000s,) and have a pub crawl/night out with 30-35 or so people from work/a few neighbours/a few family members etc, as well as some friends, and only about 15 of them were going to the wedding. But this was a night at the pub, and around 50% of the people tagging along were not going. It wasn't just a case of everyone's invited except one!

IhaveanewTVnow · 21/05/2025 23:12

My partner and I were once invited to a joint hen and stag day, go carting, axe throwing etc etc. but we were not invited to the wedding. We just declined as I think it’s very rude to invite guests to the “party” but not the wedding. Why would I want to spend £ on a party for a hen or stag but not be good enough to be invited to the wedding?

MarkingBad · 21/05/2025 23:16

Oh please don't be embarrassed. My best friend from school didn't invite me to her wedding and I'd known here for 15 years and still supposed to be her best friend by the time of her wedding.

I later found out from her parents that she'd told everyone I couldn't make it that day. Her parents told me because they came up to badger me about why I didn't attend and confused I said I wasn't invited, I could have attended but I didn't even know what day it was on.

Now that's embarrassing

threeeggsontoast · 21/05/2025 23:17

I hope you’re able to bow out from the hen do. I think it’s very bad form of her to invite you to one and not the other. You’d be willing to help share her costs for the hen do but she’s not prepared to pay for your place at the wedding.

It’s not a nice feeling. But I defo wouldn’t go.

YerArseInParsley · 21/05/2025 23:18

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:44

Yeah, organised by bride xx

Show quote history

@BecFlowers
Omg what a cheek. If u are in a group chat I would just leave it without saying anything. Let the bride reach out if she wants to know why.
I definitely wouldn't be going.

Serene135 · 21/05/2025 23:19

It makes me think that she secretly dislikes you and that she wants to actively exclude you and embarrass you. She announced quite quickly to others in the group that you were excluded from the wedding. She has invited everyone else in your group except you and I’m sure she knows full well that as everyone is discussing her wedding it will make you feel uncomfortable. I also agree with the other posters that she has invited you to the hen do to make her look more popular and to reduce the costs for everyone (one more person contributing). You sound like such a lovely person and an amazing friend 🌸 It seems that she does not value you as a friend though so you are doing the right thing by gracefully bowing out of the hen do. It could be that she is secretly jealous of you. Don’t send the text to her yet because it will look like you are upset which could make her gleeful. Just breezily send it next time she asks you about the hen arrangements. It can be a “oh, I thought you already knew I couldn’t make it” text. Spend the hen money on something for yourself or your family.

DurinsBane · 21/05/2025 23:27

Following so I can see if anything changes! 🤣

AngelsandAliens · 21/05/2025 23:33

I agree OP has handled this so well , much better than I would have .

I have to disagree with any that are saying , you should go if you’ll enjoy it ….. I can assure you you won’t , it will highlight that fact you have been excluded and you may be with other good friends but it will all be about “bridezilla”

I do wanna know when invited to a hen , do others think you should also be a day guest or is evening guest just as acceptable ? Just curious …..

Boreded · 21/05/2025 23:37

I think it isn’t great, but in her defence, 12 ladies can mean 24 attendees for the wedding because who knows who will have partners in 2027. 24 people is a lot of wedding guests especially if you are from a large family. I had 100 at my wedding, and only 10 were friends and their partners (that is my and my husbands combined). If she invited all 12 and had to allow for 24, then her husband to be invited 5-7 plus partners, they could be up to 35+ guests before a single family member showed up

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 21/05/2025 23:50

If you’re a close enough friend to be invited to the hen do then it stands to reason you’d expect an invitation to the wedding. Yanbu - she is.

PoliteReader · 21/05/2025 23:56

OP, I wanted to echo the comments here about how this is bizarre and hurtful behaviour from the bride and you’re more than entitled to be upset, I agree you should not go to the hen do.

I also want to add that I think you’re handling it perfectly and it takes a big person to respond so calmly and avoid drama. People like you that can get over their own ego and let it wash over them rather than taking it personally always come out on top.

Inyournewdress · 22/05/2025 00:21

I am a little horrified that any bride getting married in 2027 (!) is already so feverishly planning and sending out invites. It’s only May, and it’s not even happening next year! Sorry (not sorry) but it sounds like she needs to get over herself. It also sounds like a few of the others are thinking the same.

Lurkingandlearning · 22/05/2025 00:22

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 21:26

Great shout, I won’t say anything until it’s next mentioned or she asks for numbers etc - no need to reach out and confirm it now, a few people have said the same. I’ll leave it and send the message next time she starts a conversation related to planning xx

Show quote history

I agree with a PP, you are handling this admirably. As the wedding isn't until 2027 my concern might be a bit premature but here goes. Waiting till she asks for confirmed numbers might bite you on the bum. She assumed it was ok for you to be the only one of your group to be excluded from the wedding so she might also assume that you will be going to the hen night. If you say you're not at a later date, you might get flak for disrupting her plans. The individual's price for these expensive hen dos are often based on numbers. The more people who go the less each pays. Also, and this might be just me, you might feel better to put the whole matter to bed now and move on rather than having that conversation pending. Another also, they are less likely to chat about it around you once they know you aren't going. I'm sure you'd ride it out with dignity but if it can be avoided, that would be better.

NebulousWhistler · 22/05/2025 00:34

Tell the hens to avoid fhe ocean club, it’s horrific.
i spend a lot of time in that area and it really is awful.
Nikki beach on a Sunday is quite good fun though.

<misses point of thread>

Pryceosh1987 · 22/05/2025 00:35

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:23

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

I hope you enjoy the wedding if you are invited. I have never been to a wedding.

Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves · 22/05/2025 00:36

Do not going on that hen do and if asked been honest and tell her hen dos are only for girls invited to the wedding.

BruFord · 22/05/2025 00:44

Tee hee, I bet it was embarrassing for her when she saw your friends’ shocked reactions to her admission that you’re not invited from the wedding. Serves her right. 😈

DreamTheMoors · 22/05/2025 00:54

We’re mature, kind, polite, well-raised.
But did you ever, just once in your life, wish you could pop off at somebody who deserved it?

Hi Jan -
I’m unable to attend your girls’ party in Italy that you’ve arranged to celebrate your last days of “freedom” before you marry Geoffrey.
It’s impossible to get away from work.
Becky and Frieda have been talking behind your back about how tacky their bridesmaid’s dresses are and how unflattering that shade of ‘ecru’ is for a wedding dress. Thought you should know.
Karen is 4 months pregnant.
Jessie isn’t speaking to the other three bridesmaids over a disagreement.
And that disagreement is whether to tell you or not that Geoffrey is the father of Karen’s baby.
Have fun in Italy. 🇮🇹 Send me a postcard.