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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He gave me the ick in Lake Garda

636 replies

EyeBogie · 21/05/2025 09:11

First holiday together, been dating for just under a year. We went to Garda and before hand we’d discussed the way we wanted the holiday to work.

We arrived at hotel at 3pm. He threw himself onto the bed saying “I’m knackered”. (I’ve noticed he says this a lot). I made a coffee, did some unpacking, caught up with my phone and sat on balcony for a bit. At around 5pm I said “you ready to go out?” And he laughed and said “no! We’ve only just got here!” I said “I just mean a walk?” (the lake was literally across the road from hotel). He said “oh no, can’t be arsed with that tonight, I just want food and bed”. It was 5pm!! So I said “ok, well I’m off for a walk”. He was annoyed that I was going out anyway and started sulking. I went for a walk by myself, returned at 6:30ish. He was irritable and asked where I’d been as he was starving. I said “there’s a shop just down the road.” He said “I’m on holiday, I don’t want to be doing shopping!” 🙄 we went to hotel restaurant.

Next day I woke up at 6am (always an early riser, can’t help it). I made a coffee then went out for a walk. Came back at 8amish. He’s still asleep. I got a shower, made another coffee. 10amish I woke him up and asked if he wanted a coffee. He said he did. I made him one - he fell back asleep and let it go cold. 11am - woke him to again, he asked for another coffee. I made him one - he fell asleep again. I woke him back up at 11:30 and said I wanted to head out, asked if he was coming. He asked for another coffee - I said he could make himself one as I’d made him two already that had been wasted.,he started whinging so I said “it’s almost lunch time, I’m bored and I’m going out, are you coming?” He said he just wanted to relax around the hotel today 🙄 he said he wanted to use the pool. Fine. I went out and hired a bike, spent all afternoon visiting the little towns. Got back at 5pm - he’s still in bed playing on his phone. I said “did you use the pool?” So he said “on my own? No! I was waiting for you to come back!”.

So - after this day I thought maybe a discussing was needed about tomorrow’s plans. Idea was we would get a bus to Verona. He said he was still happy to do this. Next day arrived - same scenario. Numerous cups of coffee gone cold, me sat around bored, getting on for lunch time he’s still asleep. I snapped in the end and said “are you actually going to do anything on this holiday?? I’m going to Verona at 12pm. Remember we’d said we’d set off at 10am?? Half day wasted already”. He reluctantly got up, saying it’s meant to be a holiday to relax etc etc

We got to Verona at 2pm. As soon as we got there he was nattering about food saying he’d not eaten all day 🙄 he had no interest in seeing any sights, just wanted to sit and eat.

We managed to see the museum and that was it.

The whole holiday was like this. It’s given me the ick. Lazyness. AIBU here??

OP posts:
turkeyboots · 21/05/2025 10:10

Honestly he sounds like my kind of holiday friend. But clearly not yours!
Holidays are hard with the oblivious, anything other than their entirely unexpressed desires is wrong and causes bad feelings. My mother is legendary for falling out with people on holiday for this kind of carry on.
Enjoy Garda without him, it's so beautiful this time of year.

SheridansPortSalut · 21/05/2025 10:11

YABU for blaming him. There's nothing wrong with his idea of a holiday, other than it's not the same as your idea of a holiday. You are not suited to each other.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 21/05/2025 10:11

You’ve had a beautiful early indication that you are not well matched. Cherish that before you wasted more time or had children with him. Next!

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 21/05/2025 10:11

YANBU. If he didn't want to do anything he may as well have had a staycation. What a waste of time and money to just laze in bed.

spanishcheese · 21/05/2025 10:11

why leave home at all if all he wants to do is stay in bed and eat? what a waste of time.

I'd look for another boyfriend. Can you imagine if you had kids and he was still doing this?

TooGoodToGoto · 21/05/2025 10:12

Flamingoknees · 21/05/2025 10:05

Incompatible. End it. Though my DP wouldn't want to be up at 8am,and would play merry hell if I was up at 6. I would quietly read in bed until about 8, and expect movement from him at 9,if we had plans. If we did have plans, he would be up in time. Was he hinting for sex when you first got there? Did your itinerary allow for holiday intimacy?

WTF am I reading!

Your DP dictates you can’t get up until 8? You lie quietly in bed? Does he give you a gro clock?

Then did the schedule allow for holiday intimacy? Personally I prefer my partners awake during that? So unless the DP is awake some reasonable length of time (he didn’t wake until 11.30) it could be restrictive.

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 21/05/2025 10:12

Absolutely get rid of him. That would drive me insane!! Imagine what he would be like with kids.

We have 2 under 5, sometimes they will have a little sleep in on holiday if they have gone to bed later than normal, we are all still ready to leave our accommodation by 10.30am ISH, showered, dressed, fed and packed lunch made for kids.

He sounds beyond lazy x

EndlessTreadmill · 21/05/2025 10:13

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 21/05/2025 09:22

In just under a year surely there must have been signs?

He sounds like an arse

This! Surely there must have been signs, eg on weekends!

Personally, that would be it for me, I can't imagine living my life with someone like this.
Would also have massive red flags about what he would be like when children come - if his energy levels are like this and there is this level of laziness and selfishness, I can guarantee you that you will be left doing all the childcare, early mornings etc. He will not put himself out in the slightest.

DUMP.

Ceramiq · 21/05/2025 10:13

As others have said, you clearly aren't compatible.

WimbyAce · 21/05/2025 10:13

Imagine being at Lake Garda and just wanting to sleep! He would def have to go.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 21/05/2025 10:13

It's just a wattage mismatch. You like to scamper like a squirrel. He likes to lounge like a sloth. It's not intrinsically bad to be either way but a grumpy sloth that doesn't want a squirrel to squirrel sounds stressful.

Arseynal · 21/05/2025 10:14

He’s interested in sitting about and eating. You are interested in doing things. It just doesn’t work. There is nothing wrong with a lazy holiday to recharge but you are fundamentally incompatible and he’s dull (and icky).

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/05/2025 10:15

MikeRafone · 21/05/2025 09:45

what a waste of holiday, if you want to stay in bed all day - you may as well save the airfare.

There is a difference between having a relaxing morning and going out at 10.30 to staying in bed until 2pm or later and not wanting to do anything.

Sounds like you have very different ideas about how to live your lives and a holiday like this has highlighted the matter - best thing to have happened - a ruined time on holiday is better than ruining the next few years of your life with the wrong person for you

This. I'm always astonished by people who go on holiday and then stay in bed for most of the day. They might as well have stated at home and saved a lot of money.

TwentyKittens · 21/05/2025 10:15

ExtraOnions · 21/05/2025 09:56

I don’t know why people are throwing around the words “wanker” and “arse” .. I don’t think he’s either of those things, you just have different expectations on holiday.

I’m a laze about person for some of the holiday. I too would not want to go out walking, 2 hours after arriving at the hotel after a flight. Shower, food, bed.

I hate these holidays were you have to do “stuff” everyday .. go see another town (what wrong with the one we are in).. and getting a bus, traipsing about in the heat - no, no, no

I'm calling him a wanker because when OP went out and did the things they'd previously discussed they wanted to do he behaved like a spoilt child. Not only did he not want to do them, he didn't want her to either. And the things he apparently did want to like a dip in the pool he didn't do because the OP wasn't there to hold his hand. She exhibited enormous patience by making him drink after drink that he said he wanted then left to go cold. She even busied herself whilst he slept, and didn't disturb him, but he whinged about that too.

What a wanker! 😆

AnotherNaCha · 21/05/2025 10:15

Has he travelled much before? I think some people (men) can be a bit or anxious about making plans etc and cover it up with arrogance, lazing around etc. Not making excuses just trying to understand! Sounds like you’re mismatched unless he’s very different at home

Hwi · 21/05/2025 10:15

How old are you both? What are your jobs/levels of stress/recent life events (approximately)? His sate of health?

ItGhoul · 21/05/2025 10:16

Oh, this would massively give me the ick too.

I'm a night owl and not an early riser so I wouldn't be up at 6am (or 8am, really) on holiday but I couldn't go on holiday with someone who was going to sit in a hotel room on their phone until 5pm! Or someone who was apparently incapable of going to a hotel pool without me.

I will happily lounge in bed until midday on a weekend at home, assuming I have nothing time-critical to get up for, but I would absolutely not do that on holiday. Even if I was the type to sit and chill by the pool (which I'm not, really) I would want to make the most of the time I had to do that. I wouldn't be up at six, but I would be up by 9am and out by 10am. And I'd probably stay up late.

For me, holiday compatibility is a make-or-break for a relationship. I like some down-time on holiday to read, relax and watch the world go by but I do want to do / see something every day too. I don't have to cram something into every minute of every day and any visit to a local town or whatever should absolutely include a stop for lunch/drinks/ice cream/all of the above, but someone who wanted to just lie around in the hotel room would drive me fully insane. At least go and lie around outdoors in the nice location and weather you've flown somewhere for!

Guinessandafire · 21/05/2025 10:16

Personally can't see the point in going to Lake Garda if you are going to stay in bed all day and do nothing. You might as well have stayed at home.

You are incompatible, and I can see why some people are defending him, but quite frankly if he made out he would be up for trips etc them it turned out he wasn't, then YANBU to be annoyed and have the ick.

Have a nice holiday yourself, even have the ' chat' and book yourself another room if they have one.

I think you should both agree to have the holiday you want anyway, you doing stuff, him not doing anything.

GoldieFish · 21/05/2025 10:16

WimbyAce · 21/05/2025 10:13

Imagine being at Lake Garda and just wanting to sleep! He would def have to go.

Well, yes. If you're exhausted and/or unwell and just want to sleep on holiday, either stay at home and snooze on your own sofa or go to a resort with nothing of any interest anywhere near and which is clearly designed for people who came on holiday to snooze on sunloungers.

boredwithfoodprob · 21/05/2025 10:16

He sounds like my 16 year old son - not even joking - all those things he would do or does actually do! Even the things he has said! Of course I (kind of) forgive it all because he’s a teenager! And I assume and HOPE he’ll grow out of it. A grown man who acts like this I wouldn’t tolerate for a moment!!

Pelicanos · 21/05/2025 10:19

You were unreasonable to make him so many cups of coffee, the lazy slacker.

You know the answer to your AIBU and 97% of people on here agree with you.

Fargo79 · 21/05/2025 10:19

This is way more than incompatibility. It's pure laziness and apathy. There's wanting to take it easy on holiday, and then there's this guy. Sleeping until nearly noon, then continuing to stay in bed all day on his phone, apparently unable to leave the room without you, sulking when you call him out 🤢 That's not normal adult behaviour. It's pushing it for a 15 year old tbh.

Don't see it as a wasted holiday - see it as money and time well-spent to find out what a loser he is and avoid wasting further time on him. Just fucking imagine dragging his lazy arse through an entire marriage and family life 😱 Nope.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/05/2025 10:19

Agix · 21/05/2025 09:17

That's not laziness. It's a difference on energy levels and different ideas about what relaxing is.

You would sound really hard work to a lot of people who also like staying in, sleeping late, and lounging on their holiday.

I'm an early riser too, and I can't just sit around waiting/nothing to really do. But it's not laziness just because someone is different to me, and it's not fair for me to drag them about on their holiday.

My father is on the other end of the scale, and is all go go go on holiday... Does. Not. Stop. And has to drag everyone with him. It's hell, even if I am more on that side of things... He's extreme. He thinks like you, that everyone has to match his energy levels and enthusiasm else they are "wrong". Don't go on holiday with him anymore. It's an unpleasant experience.

You probably gave each other the ick on that holiday.

Except the BF had agreed to do stuff, didnt then communicate that he was going to let the OP down, and just frittered the time away.

If he wanted a lazy holiday, thats fine! But he needs to use his bloody words and make that clear, instead of making arrangements then ditching them.

Horses7 · 21/05/2025 10:20

Yikes that would drive me mad - dump, you aren’t on the same page.

whynotmereally · 21/05/2025 10:20

You have different holiday styles that’s fair enough but why did he agree to a sight seeing holiday if he wants to lay by the pool.?

But the big ick for me would be the fact that when you went out he just sat and waited for you to come back. Like there was no motivation to go to the pool or for a walk or get lunch. He’s like an extra in a film waiting for the main character to take charge.

id also be concerned that this lack of motivation would bleed over o to other areas such as career/house cleaning/family and you would end up carrying him.

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