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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He gave me the ick in Lake Garda

636 replies

EyeBogie · 21/05/2025 09:11

First holiday together, been dating for just under a year. We went to Garda and before hand we’d discussed the way we wanted the holiday to work.

We arrived at hotel at 3pm. He threw himself onto the bed saying “I’m knackered”. (I’ve noticed he says this a lot). I made a coffee, did some unpacking, caught up with my phone and sat on balcony for a bit. At around 5pm I said “you ready to go out?” And he laughed and said “no! We’ve only just got here!” I said “I just mean a walk?” (the lake was literally across the road from hotel). He said “oh no, can’t be arsed with that tonight, I just want food and bed”. It was 5pm!! So I said “ok, well I’m off for a walk”. He was annoyed that I was going out anyway and started sulking. I went for a walk by myself, returned at 6:30ish. He was irritable and asked where I’d been as he was starving. I said “there’s a shop just down the road.” He said “I’m on holiday, I don’t want to be doing shopping!” 🙄 we went to hotel restaurant.

Next day I woke up at 6am (always an early riser, can’t help it). I made a coffee then went out for a walk. Came back at 8amish. He’s still asleep. I got a shower, made another coffee. 10amish I woke him up and asked if he wanted a coffee. He said he did. I made him one - he fell back asleep and let it go cold. 11am - woke him to again, he asked for another coffee. I made him one - he fell asleep again. I woke him back up at 11:30 and said I wanted to head out, asked if he was coming. He asked for another coffee - I said he could make himself one as I’d made him two already that had been wasted.,he started whinging so I said “it’s almost lunch time, I’m bored and I’m going out, are you coming?” He said he just wanted to relax around the hotel today 🙄 he said he wanted to use the pool. Fine. I went out and hired a bike, spent all afternoon visiting the little towns. Got back at 5pm - he’s still in bed playing on his phone. I said “did you use the pool?” So he said “on my own? No! I was waiting for you to come back!”.

So - after this day I thought maybe a discussing was needed about tomorrow’s plans. Idea was we would get a bus to Verona. He said he was still happy to do this. Next day arrived - same scenario. Numerous cups of coffee gone cold, me sat around bored, getting on for lunch time he’s still asleep. I snapped in the end and said “are you actually going to do anything on this holiday?? I’m going to Verona at 12pm. Remember we’d said we’d set off at 10am?? Half day wasted already”. He reluctantly got up, saying it’s meant to be a holiday to relax etc etc

We got to Verona at 2pm. As soon as we got there he was nattering about food saying he’d not eaten all day 🙄 he had no interest in seeing any sights, just wanted to sit and eat.

We managed to see the museum and that was it.

The whole holiday was like this. It’s given me the ick. Lazyness. AIBU here??

OP posts:
GoldieFish · 21/05/2025 10:00

SwingTheMonkey · 21/05/2025 09:18

Really good way to find out that you are not compatible.

This hits the nail on the head. This is who he is and he won’t change. Get rid.

Exactly. Reading your post was like taking a bath in ick.

I think the function of holidays in the early stages of a relationship is to weed out the incompatible. Imagine being on your deathbed after you'd been married to him for decades thinking grimly about the years of your life you wasted hanging around waiting for him and making him cups of coffee that are clearly just excuses not to get out of bed?

BlueTitShark · 21/05/2025 10:00

I don’t know why people are throwing around the words “wanker” and “arse” ..

Because it’s an easy way to release some if their iwn tension by having a go at someone tgey dint know (ie no repercussions). It gives them the ‘moral high ground’ and they feel good about themselves.

Basically it’s all about them.

Ohnonotagainmrswebster · 21/05/2025 10:01

I would say you are definitely not compatible. He’s showing you what life with him would be like. I would end this relationship now.

AlphabettiTouretti · 21/05/2025 10:01

It's not just the incompatibility.

It's not just the fact that you both discussed what the holiday would be like beforehand, and he then unilaterally refused to do any of it once you arrived.

It's the fact that he got grumpy with you for going out and doing stuff while he slept/rested. Presumably you were supposed to sit in a darkened room with him all day?

And also the utter weaponised incompetence of the man. Can't feed himself when there's a shop down the road and a restaurant at the hotel. Can't go down to the hotel pool on his own. Does he need you to put the food in his mouth and help him on with his floaty armbands?

CantStopMoving · 21/05/2025 10:01

Carrotsurprise · 21/05/2025 09:57

Sleeping in till 11.30 is weird really when there was no indication that you stayed up late the night before! How many hours of sleep is that? Sounds like a health condition.

Dunno, I could easily do that if given a chance! But usually I feel it is a wasted day if I do that and feel guilty!

JustMyView13 · 21/05/2025 10:02

You’re just not compatible, and that’s ok. Holidays are always a great test before moving in with someone, because you get to see them in a different light. Sometimes it’s good, other times not so much.

SwingTheMonkey · 21/05/2025 10:02

ExtraOnions · 21/05/2025 09:56

I don’t know why people are throwing around the words “wanker” and “arse” .. I don’t think he’s either of those things, you just have different expectations on holiday.

I’m a laze about person for some of the holiday. I too would not want to go out walking, 2 hours after arriving at the hotel after a flight. Shower, food, bed.

I hate these holidays were you have to do “stuff” everyday .. go see another town (what wrong with the one we are in).. and getting a bus, traipsing about in the heat - no, no, no

It doesn’t really matter whether you’d like that type of holiday, op and her boyfriend chose it.

And you’d really get to your holiday destination at 3pm, shower, eat and go to bed? They’d flown to Italy, not Australia.

TheIceBear · 21/05/2025 10:03

BlueTitShark · 21/05/2025 10:00

I don’t know why people are throwing around the words “wanker” and “arse” ..

Because it’s an easy way to release some if their iwn tension by having a go at someone tgey dint know (ie no repercussions). It gives them the ‘moral high ground’ and they feel good about themselves.

Basically it’s all about them.

Perhaps those words are a bit crass but I would find it very immature a man having a sulk and not going to a swimming pool on their own. Also asking for coffees and letting them go cold .. bit “arsey “ to me.

DappledThings · 21/05/2025 10:03

I too would not want to go out walking, 2 hours after arriving at the hotel after a flight. Shower, food, bed.
At 3pm? What if you were on an earlier flight and arrived before lunch? You'd just want to eat in the hotel and go to bed? A stroll to the lake before dinner is hardly a taxing suggestion.

Calliopespa · 21/05/2025 10:03

AlphabettiTouretti · 21/05/2025 10:01

It's not just the incompatibility.

It's not just the fact that you both discussed what the holiday would be like beforehand, and he then unilaterally refused to do any of it once you arrived.

It's the fact that he got grumpy with you for going out and doing stuff while he slept/rested. Presumably you were supposed to sit in a darkened room with him all day?

And also the utter weaponised incompetence of the man. Can't feed himself when there's a shop down the road and a restaurant at the hotel. Can't go down to the hotel pool on his own. Does he need you to put the food in his mouth and help him on with his floaty armbands?

That reminded me of a woman I knew who got the ick because they went on holiday and he couldn’t swim! He wouldn’t let go of the edge of the pool.

Weefox · 21/05/2025 10:03

It sounds like he could be unwell or with an underlying health issue.

skyeisthelimit · 21/05/2025 10:04

If you discussed it beforehand then YANBU, but it is clear that you do have very different ideas of what you want to do on holidays. He wants to relax, and you want to get out and about. There is nothing wrong with either of those.

I wouldn't go on holiday with him again though.

NewShoesForSpring · 21/05/2025 10:04

I think a holiday is a brilliant test of a relationship!

My now dh & I went on our first holiday to Italy together when we were together 4 months. We were in a long distance relationship at that point.

But we were so compatible on that 2 week trip that we both knew coming home that this was something different. We've enjoyed many many holidays together since & we've never had a bad one even though we've grown up & dc have been with us for past 20 years

In those early trips we had lazy mornings spent in bed having as much sex as we could. Then up & out for coffee & whatever we could get for breakfast. We're not pool/ beach type holiday makers but we love art & history so we'd visit all the galleries & museums with many wine breaks in between.

Out late every night exploring new restaurants & late night bars. Getting giddy on the conversations & flirtations with each other. Fall into bed & repeat.

We both hold those trips v close to our hearts & in fact for my 50th we revisited the city we went to on our v first trip. And it was just as magical. We brought dc & we reminisced.

OP i don't think you're compatible. At just under a year together you should still be absolutely in the heady days of can't get enough of each other especially in a super romantic location as Lake Garda.

I'd be rethinking this one to be honest.

I'm a night owl & couldn't be with someone who wanted to be up at 6am on holidays.

BasaFillet · 21/05/2025 10:04

Me and my husband are both lazy bums on holidays, your schedule and peppering would drive me nuts 😂 but agree that maybe you are mismatched in terms of holiday expectations. “Chill style” is actually a huge factor in compatibility!

Lurkingandlearning · 21/05/2025 10:04

You are not just incompatible, he is dishonest. He had the opportunity to tell you how he liked t to spend his time on holiday when you had the conversation about how you’d both like the holiday to play out.

it is less expensive to go on holiday with someone else than as a single person. Before you booked the holiday he told you what he thought you wanted to hear, so he could have a subsidised holiday. He knew full well he would try to impose his preferences on you once you got there and was prepared to coerce you into falling in line whether that spoiled your holiday or not

Calliopespa · 21/05/2025 10:04

Weefox · 21/05/2025 10:03

It sounds like he could be unwell or with an underlying health issue.

I thought that. Or just in an exhausting job. This is very common holiday behaviour for young bankers and solicitors in large firms. What’s his job op?

Flamingoknees · 21/05/2025 10:05

Incompatible. End it. Though my DP wouldn't want to be up at 8am,and would play merry hell if I was up at 6. I would quietly read in bed until about 8, and expect movement from him at 9,if we had plans. If we did have plans, he would be up in time. Was he hinting for sex when you first got there? Did your itinerary allow for holiday intimacy?

blowingbubbles1 · 21/05/2025 10:05

I went on holiday with a friend like this once. We even had the most amazing view of the sunset from our room and she would close the blinds!! Safe to say I never went away with her again!

HonoraBridge · 21/05/2025 10:06

He sounds incredibly lazy, boring and sulky. Yuck. You are clearly not compatible. I think you should end this relationship.

babystarsandmoon · 21/05/2025 10:06

What a waste of a holiday!!

Surely you knew he was like this before you went though?

thenightsky · 21/05/2025 10:06

We need to know what time he goes to bed. Is up, clubbing and socialising in bars until 2am? Are you being boring by wanting to be in bed by 9pm?

TeacheeTeacherson · 21/05/2025 10:07

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 21/05/2025 09:18

Is he 16?? If not bin...

Whereas if he is…. he’s a keeper? 😂

Gundogday · 21/05/2025 10:07

KimberleyClark · 21/05/2025 09:23

Being on holiday with someone who needs to be up and about at 6am would drive me nuts.

But op didn’t expect dp to be up at 6am. She took herself off and returned at 8am.

wishIwasonaBeach · 21/05/2025 10:08

Omg OP - poor you!

Yes this would drive me mad and give me the ick too!

Sounds like you've tried to meet him half way too. Well done for going out and doing things on your own - x

TooGoodToGoto · 21/05/2025 10:08

Littledidsheknow · 21/05/2025 09:16

Bloody hell, what a lazy, selfish dullard.

You need a much better boyfriend/holiday companion.

Never has the use of the word dullard been more apt!!

Ditch him!

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