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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He gave me the ick in Lake Garda

636 replies

EyeBogie · 21/05/2025 09:11

First holiday together, been dating for just under a year. We went to Garda and before hand we’d discussed the way we wanted the holiday to work.

We arrived at hotel at 3pm. He threw himself onto the bed saying “I’m knackered”. (I’ve noticed he says this a lot). I made a coffee, did some unpacking, caught up with my phone and sat on balcony for a bit. At around 5pm I said “you ready to go out?” And he laughed and said “no! We’ve only just got here!” I said “I just mean a walk?” (the lake was literally across the road from hotel). He said “oh no, can’t be arsed with that tonight, I just want food and bed”. It was 5pm!! So I said “ok, well I’m off for a walk”. He was annoyed that I was going out anyway and started sulking. I went for a walk by myself, returned at 6:30ish. He was irritable and asked where I’d been as he was starving. I said “there’s a shop just down the road.” He said “I’m on holiday, I don’t want to be doing shopping!” 🙄 we went to hotel restaurant.

Next day I woke up at 6am (always an early riser, can’t help it). I made a coffee then went out for a walk. Came back at 8amish. He’s still asleep. I got a shower, made another coffee. 10amish I woke him up and asked if he wanted a coffee. He said he did. I made him one - he fell back asleep and let it go cold. 11am - woke him to again, he asked for another coffee. I made him one - he fell asleep again. I woke him back up at 11:30 and said I wanted to head out, asked if he was coming. He asked for another coffee - I said he could make himself one as I’d made him two already that had been wasted.,he started whinging so I said “it’s almost lunch time, I’m bored and I’m going out, are you coming?” He said he just wanted to relax around the hotel today 🙄 he said he wanted to use the pool. Fine. I went out and hired a bike, spent all afternoon visiting the little towns. Got back at 5pm - he’s still in bed playing on his phone. I said “did you use the pool?” So he said “on my own? No! I was waiting for you to come back!”.

So - after this day I thought maybe a discussing was needed about tomorrow’s plans. Idea was we would get a bus to Verona. He said he was still happy to do this. Next day arrived - same scenario. Numerous cups of coffee gone cold, me sat around bored, getting on for lunch time he’s still asleep. I snapped in the end and said “are you actually going to do anything on this holiday?? I’m going to Verona at 12pm. Remember we’d said we’d set off at 10am?? Half day wasted already”. He reluctantly got up, saying it’s meant to be a holiday to relax etc etc

We got to Verona at 2pm. As soon as we got there he was nattering about food saying he’d not eaten all day 🙄 he had no interest in seeing any sights, just wanted to sit and eat.

We managed to see the museum and that was it.

The whole holiday was like this. It’s given me the ick. Lazyness. AIBU here??

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/05/2025 09:27

How much does he sleep? If he is always knackered and keeps falling back asleep til lunchtime, do you think he could have a medical condition? As that doesn't seem normal at all. Even so, he sounds boring, and a bit pathetic (not able to do anything on his own and no interest in anything)

Doctorkrank · 21/05/2025 09:28

You are clearly not compatible!

blackfriday1 · 21/05/2025 09:29

I went on holiday for the first time with my best friend. She was exactly like this. Laid in bed for hours every morning, would surface about 3/4pm then demand we find food and coffee - usually wanted some sort of brunch type food which was difficult to source where we were, so we’d traipse around looking at every bloody restaurant menu whilst she moaned how hungry she was. It was tedious. I spent 70% of the trip alone and we barely spoke once we returned home. It’s sad but illuminating, you see a really different side to people when you travel with them. I think you’ll end up resenting him for this trip OP, find a better boyfriend who wants to enjoy things and live life with you.

Itisallabitvague · 21/05/2025 09:31

What's good about him?

Ilovegoldies · 21/05/2025 09:31

My husband is up and out at sunrise on holidays. I'm quite a get up and go type but not at sunrise. Some days he will go miles and be out until lunchtime and I'm lazing in bed doom scrolling but the difference is he doesn't mind that he goes alone and I don't care what time he comes back unless we have plans its all very fluid.
To sulk because the other person has gone out is not acceptable, and he could have made far more effort on the Verona trip.
A holiday is a good test for compatibility and it seems you aren't a good fit.

Oriunda · 21/05/2025 09:34

It sounds like he didn’t understand the type of holiday that you booked. Lake Garda isn’t really a fly and flop type of holiday, which sound like what your boyfriend wanted. Part of the joy of being in Italy is the food; breakfast by a lakeside cafe (unless included in hotel price); long lunches, nice dinners out.

It doesn’t sound like you’re at all compatible. I suffer from insomnia and alternatively wake up early, so I’d get up and read/go get breakfast etc, but I’d definitely expect him to be up and ready by 10am at the latest for our plans for the day. Missing breakfast to me is my worst case scenario; didn’t he get hungry?

latetothefisting · 21/05/2025 09:34

I think the people who are saying you're incompatible because you just want different types of holidays are minimising it a bit - its not like OP wants to go out exploring every day and he wants to eat/drink/chill at the pool with a book - he literally wouldn't even go to the pool or for food or a short walk around the local area without her, and seems to just wants to sleep in the hotel room all day!

Even a lazy all-inclusive type holiday for me would involve leaving the room, otherwise why bother with the expense and hassle of a holiday abroad!

ShodAndShadySenators · 21/05/2025 09:34

You lost me when he turned sulky and irritable about OP going for a walk on her own. Everything alongside that sealed it for me, I would be dumping asap. And I'm afraid I'd find it difficult to conceal my annoyance with him so he'd be totally aware I was pissed off enough to dump him well before the airport home.

There's having different ideas about holidays and there's being totally unwilling to compromise. OP left him to do what he wanted a lot of the time, he didn't want to stir his lazy arse to suit her plans. Total dealbreaker.

dontcryformeargentina · 21/05/2025 09:35

He sounds very boring and unadventurous. How did you manage to date him for a year? Unless he has health issues, I can’t justify his lack of effort

Cardinalita90 · 21/05/2025 09:36

God he sounds a bore and needy too - won't go to the pool without you so would prefer to stay in bed all day?! As others have said, thank goodness you don't have children together.

I'd say to him over dinner that seeing the sights really matters to you so you'll be doing x,y,z over next few days and leaving at X time. If he wants to come, great but he needs to be ready to leave the hotel at that time. Otherwise, let's agree to do our own thing every day and meet for dinner. I know thats not what you wanted but might be the best way to salvage it.

Then , dump him when you get.home!

YinYangalang · 21/05/2025 09:38

I can’t sit still on holiday. He would not be somebody I could be with. But, others find me irritating. I am learning to relax more now as I am older but it is hard. I’m okay if I have a pool I can swim in.

MackenCheese · 21/05/2025 09:38

He sounds exactly like my autistic son! Make of that what you will....

FrenchandSaunders · 21/05/2025 09:38

I know this was your first holiday but weren't there any signs of this over the last year, during weekends/bank holidays etc.

That would drive me mad. He might as well have stayed at home to sleep!

ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 21/05/2025 09:38

That’s not the ick. That’s being fundamentally different people. You’re not compatible. Be glad you found it out now!

ChaToilLeam · 21/05/2025 09:39

He sounds selfish, lazy and boring! We're not all early risers and that's fair enough, but wasting the whole day and expecting you to just hang around until he is ready - that's downright incomprehensible. Throw that one back. You're utterly incompatible.

Poppyyoutwat · 21/05/2025 09:43

It’s not going to work out.

I am like you. When I go away I want to see things and do things. My husband will do that with me, but honestly, he would rather sit and do nothing, he’s got a stressful job. But he gets up and does stuff mainly for me, although I am more than happy to go it alone. I could never have a sit by a pool holiday, waste of my time, I can sit and do fuck all at home for free.

We work around it by me sometimes taking the kids away for a few days and he stays at home with the dog, still working from home but then he gets a break in The evening/weekend to decompress from work and just sit and stare and do nothing, and then he’s up for it all the next time we go away. I don’t work so holidays are a fun time for me. For him, it’s his only time off from a stressful job so I do get it. But he’s not an arse about it and will get stuck in so we all have fun and do stuff.

If he had been like your bf though, I wouldn’t have gone on holiday with him again.

KoiTetra · 21/05/2025 09:43

There are holidays where this is the point, Garda is not one of those!

If you want a holiday that is all about relaxing by a pool, drinking and eating book an all inclusive resort and do exactly that.

If you go somewhere like Garda the whole point to so explore the culture and stunning surroundings! You are an early riser and fair enough he might not want to be up at 6am on holiday but 9/9:30am is perfectly acceptable as a compromise.

Ditch the bloke the two of you want different things from life.

Frauhubert · 21/05/2025 09:44

He should have gone to an all inclusive resort in Turkey where you don’t have to leave the poolside for 2 weeks. Sounds more like his idea or fun.
Have there been no signs until now how lazy and boring he is?🤔

Chersfrozenface · 21/05/2025 09:44

Whenindoubthugitout · 21/05/2025 09:16

Really good way to find out that you are not compatible.

throw this one back.

This.

I've seen many couples date, go on holiday together and break up on return, sensibly. I think it's a very useful test.

Well1mBack · 21/05/2025 09:44

Yeah, nah. Throw him back. You're not compatible and he's not going to change.

My cousin's husband is like this. She admitted 6 months into dating him she found him a bit boring. Me in my teenage no-filter stage told her to dump him then and stop complaining. She got annoyed at me pointing out his flaws and married him! 😂

More fool her as he's exactly the same; the one time we went on holiday with them (and this is before they had their kids) my dad lost it at him as he was still in bed at 1pm and we were in Florida and trying to plan round going to Tampa bay. Also the days we went to the parks the trick is to go early and it was a nightmare with him! He's not changed and sadly their now teenage children follow his lead. My cousin silently seethes. Don't know why she puts up with it.

MikeRafone · 21/05/2025 09:45

what a waste of holiday, if you want to stay in bed all day - you may as well save the airfare.

There is a difference between having a relaxing morning and going out at 10.30 to staying in bed until 2pm or later and not wanting to do anything.

Sounds like you have very different ideas about how to live your lives and a holiday like this has highlighted the matter - best thing to have happened - a ruined time on holiday is better than ruining the next few years of your life with the wrong person for you

Happyinarcon · 21/05/2025 09:46

I feel guilty because i am a lazy holiday person. I need time to adjust and I like to rest and go slow. For some reason i come alive from 1pm onwards so this would be my venture outside time.
I think you did the perfect thing by entertaining yourself. My husband will pop out in the morning by himself, then come back for a nap then we’ll go out together after lunch.

HundredMilesAnHour · 21/05/2025 09:46

Frauhubert · 21/05/2025 09:44

He should have gone to an all inclusive resort in Turkey where you don’t have to leave the poolside for 2 weeks. Sounds more like his idea or fun.
Have there been no signs until now how lazy and boring he is?🤔

Exactly! I don’t understand how you can be together for a year and there not have been signs before of how utterly utterly different and completely incompatible you both are.

Bumcake · 21/05/2025 09:47

Whose idea was Garda? As others have said, he sounds more like an all-inclusive pool lounger than an explorer.

I couldn’t put up with this personally, I can’t see why any healthy adult needs to be in bed until lunchtime when there’s stuff to see and do. The odd rainy Sunday at home, maybe.

What do you do for dates normally?

AntiHop · 21/05/2025 09:47

Genuinely, I wonder if he has an undiagnosed health condition. That level of exhaustion is not normal without an explanation like illness or small children.

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