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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He gave me the ick in Lake Garda

636 replies

EyeBogie · 21/05/2025 09:11

First holiday together, been dating for just under a year. We went to Garda and before hand we’d discussed the way we wanted the holiday to work.

We arrived at hotel at 3pm. He threw himself onto the bed saying “I’m knackered”. (I’ve noticed he says this a lot). I made a coffee, did some unpacking, caught up with my phone and sat on balcony for a bit. At around 5pm I said “you ready to go out?” And he laughed and said “no! We’ve only just got here!” I said “I just mean a walk?” (the lake was literally across the road from hotel). He said “oh no, can’t be arsed with that tonight, I just want food and bed”. It was 5pm!! So I said “ok, well I’m off for a walk”. He was annoyed that I was going out anyway and started sulking. I went for a walk by myself, returned at 6:30ish. He was irritable and asked where I’d been as he was starving. I said “there’s a shop just down the road.” He said “I’m on holiday, I don’t want to be doing shopping!” 🙄 we went to hotel restaurant.

Next day I woke up at 6am (always an early riser, can’t help it). I made a coffee then went out for a walk. Came back at 8amish. He’s still asleep. I got a shower, made another coffee. 10amish I woke him up and asked if he wanted a coffee. He said he did. I made him one - he fell back asleep and let it go cold. 11am - woke him to again, he asked for another coffee. I made him one - he fell asleep again. I woke him back up at 11:30 and said I wanted to head out, asked if he was coming. He asked for another coffee - I said he could make himself one as I’d made him two already that had been wasted.,he started whinging so I said “it’s almost lunch time, I’m bored and I’m going out, are you coming?” He said he just wanted to relax around the hotel today 🙄 he said he wanted to use the pool. Fine. I went out and hired a bike, spent all afternoon visiting the little towns. Got back at 5pm - he’s still in bed playing on his phone. I said “did you use the pool?” So he said “on my own? No! I was waiting for you to come back!”.

So - after this day I thought maybe a discussing was needed about tomorrow’s plans. Idea was we would get a bus to Verona. He said he was still happy to do this. Next day arrived - same scenario. Numerous cups of coffee gone cold, me sat around bored, getting on for lunch time he’s still asleep. I snapped in the end and said “are you actually going to do anything on this holiday?? I’m going to Verona at 12pm. Remember we’d said we’d set off at 10am?? Half day wasted already”. He reluctantly got up, saying it’s meant to be a holiday to relax etc etc

We got to Verona at 2pm. As soon as we got there he was nattering about food saying he’d not eaten all day 🙄 he had no interest in seeing any sights, just wanted to sit and eat.

We managed to see the museum and that was it.

The whole holiday was like this. It’s given me the ick. Lazyness. AIBU here??

OP posts:
InterruptingRabbit · 21/05/2025 10:20

Sounds really boring. Personally I’d feel like you do.

However I don’t think he’s being totally unreasonable. I know people who want to spend their holiday sleeping for hours, relaxing at the pool, not doing day trips etc. It’s not my idea of fun, but it’s not wrong. It’s just totally different ideas of a holiday.

Stanley1409 · 21/05/2025 10:20

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/05/2025 09:19

I actually think quite a lot of people want to do very little on holiday (although I’m not one of them). It’s very much a compatibility issue. It doesn’t sound like it will work.

Agree with this. It’s fine to want a sightseeing holiday and it’s fine to want a lazy holiday. You are just not compatible.

skinnyoptionsonly · 21/05/2025 10:20

Who chose the holiday? What I really mean is who wore the trousers when the holiday choice was made and booked?

Okay, I know ‘wore the trousers’ is a horrible old-fashioned expression, but hopefully you know what I mean.

Perhaps you got him to agree to holiday that wasn’t really his thing in the first place ?

Either way, it’s about incompatibility more than anything else. It sounds like he wants a week on the beach in Spain, not holiday with things to do and explore.

I think there is an element of you having fairly high activity levels and being up at 6 am etc versus his normal energy levels - So surely you would’ve sorted that out when you discussed ‘how the holiday would work’ before you left.

To be fair to you, I think you’ve been very generous sitting around waiting making cups of coffee without losing your shit!

Debtfreegoals · 21/05/2025 10:24

Just reading that exhausted me. I know it may seem trivial to some, but I think it shows lack of compatibility. What a waste of a trip to be in bed the entire time.

S0j0urn4r · 21/05/2025 10:24

Not a match made in heaven. Dump and move on.

Guinessandafire · 21/05/2025 10:24

' He gave me the ick in Lake Garda' also sounds like one of Doris Days lesser known songs from the 1950's.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/05/2025 10:24

Incredibly lazy if he couldn’t even make it to the pool by lunchtime

fuck that

My dh is a late riser, not getting up til 9 but even he would be ready for the day by 10. And he’s got a ton of chronic conditions that affect energy.

EyeBogie · 21/05/2025 10:25

Sorry had to take dog out
on 2nd page so far - didn’t expect so many replies!

So just to point out I don’t like getting up at 6am but that’s what time I wake up and I have to get up otherwise I get headache. I would never expect anyone else to get up at 6am! I actually like a few hours in a morning to myself but when on holiday I do expect to be getting on with the day from 10:30ish!

OP posts:
MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 21/05/2025 10:25

@EyeBogiehe is vile, unless of course you wake up covered in eye bogies and then I’m team awful boyfriend. 😉

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/05/2025 10:27

EyeBogie · 21/05/2025 10:25

Sorry had to take dog out
on 2nd page so far - didn’t expect so many replies!

So just to point out I don’t like getting up at 6am but that’s what time I wake up and I have to get up otherwise I get headache. I would never expect anyone else to get up at 6am! I actually like a few hours in a morning to myself but when on holiday I do expect to be getting on with the day from 10:30ish!

But is he usually like this at home? And how were the holiday plans discussed - did he agree to go sightseeing, etc?

DiggyDoodad · 21/05/2025 10:27

I would advise you to end the relationship as soon as possible and move on to pastures new. Don't waste any more of your time.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/05/2025 10:28

Agix · 21/05/2025 09:17

That's not laziness. It's a difference on energy levels and different ideas about what relaxing is.

You would sound really hard work to a lot of people who also like staying in, sleeping late, and lounging on their holiday.

I'm an early riser too, and I can't just sit around waiting/nothing to really do. But it's not laziness just because someone is different to me, and it's not fair for me to drag them about on their holiday.

My father is on the other end of the scale, and is all go go go on holiday... Does. Not. Stop. And has to drag everyone with him. It's hell, even if I am more on that side of things... He's extreme. He thinks like you, that everyone has to match his energy levels and enthusiasm else they are "wrong". Don't go on holiday with him anymore. It's an unpleasant experience.

You probably gave each other the ick on that holiday.

It was hardly all go go go! OP's boyfriend didn't want to do anything apart from sleep and eat. He could have done that at home.

They are obviously incompatible and OP should break up with him.

OfficerChurlish · 21/05/2025 10:28

We went to Garda and before hand we’d discussed the way we wanted the holiday to work. It sounds like there wasn't clear communication about this, if the two of you were just discovering during the trip that he wanted to eat every meal out while you wanted to pick things up at the shops, and he wanted to laze at the pool but you were expecting day trips. Once you were there, again, no communication - why didn't he say "can you go for a walk after dinner instead?" or "I'm really hungry - can we plan on dinner at 6?" And when he'd agreed to leaving at 10 AM and didn't make it - he didn't say anything about not wanting to go, or "oops, sorry - shall we try for 11?", or anything? No attempt at a compromise, like "let's go out to dinner and we can pick up some snacks at the shop for later" or "will you come to the pool with me today and we can plan a day trip for tomorrow?"

I know we're only seeing your perception of what happened and not his, but I can't help feeling that he was making very little effort and maybe expecting to do exactly what he wanted as the whim took him with you happily following along. I would be really, really unimpressed with his grumping when you offered to go and do what you wanted on your own if he didn't want to come; did he expect you to stay in the room while he snoozed? Your going out for a walk while he took a nap and then you both went out for dinner at an agreed-on time sounds like a really workable compromise. I may be off base as I have no idea what he's like when not on holiday, but it sounds uncomfortably controlling to me.

ItGhoul · 21/05/2025 10:30

I can see a lot of people are saying 'He should have booked a holiday where you just lounge by a pool' but when he had the opportunity to do that, he preferred to stay in bed on his phone in a hotel room until 5pm. So to be honest, I'm not sure he should have booked any type of holiday at all!

Muffinmam · 21/05/2025 10:30

I don’t sleep at night. So on weekends I sleep in. At nights - I’m wired! I want to go out and do things. If we have plans I get up and go out and then come evening I’m wired again.

But he got to the hotel sat on the bed from 3pm until 5pm. Wtf?!?

If he wanted to sleep in he should have taken a couple of days off work before his holiday started.

I can’t believe you waited around for him and made him two coffees in the morning!

He either has cancer or he is bone idle.

MyCyanReader · 21/05/2025 10:30

EyeBogie · 21/05/2025 10:25

Sorry had to take dog out
on 2nd page so far - didn’t expect so many replies!

So just to point out I don’t like getting up at 6am but that’s what time I wake up and I have to get up otherwise I get headache. I would never expect anyone else to get up at 6am! I actually like a few hours in a morning to myself but when on holiday I do expect to be getting on with the day from 10:30ish!

That's fair enough - I also wake up early!

But on holiday, when you're at such a beautiful location, then out and about at 10.30am is fair.

The fact you even explained this to him and he still just wanted to sit on bed on his phone would give me the ick too.

It often takes a holiday to work out how incompatible you are with someone! For me this would be the end of the road for a relationship.

EyeBogie · 21/05/2025 10:31

3isthemagicnumber3 · 21/05/2025 09:50

He is lazy but do you eat? You talk about having coffee no mention of breakfast/lunch then arrive at 2 pm, I think I’d be hungry by then too.

I don’t eat much until evening. I have a cereal bar in a morning but that’s about it until evening time. This is another way we are incompatible as he’s obsessed with food and eating. It’s all he’s interested in

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 21/05/2025 10:32

I'm lazy and he would even have given me the ick.

If you go on holiday solo you can do things at your own pace. But when you go with a partner you may have to get up earlier than you usually would so they can do things they want to do.

He sounds like selfish prat.

mumuseli · 21/05/2025 10:33

I feel the issue isn't necessarily your differences in 'holiday style', but the way he has reacted to you. When only a year into a relationship and on a first hol together, I would expect him to make more effort!

pontipinemum · 21/05/2025 10:33

That would annoy me too. It reminds me of a boyfriend I went backpacking in Asia with, we missed so so many amazing things 'because he couldn't be bothered' even things we had prebooked. I ended up going back alone after we broke up to see the bits I really wanted to.

Does your boyfriend drink a lot? Was he hung over? Does he have any medical issue? A seriously hectic job?

I get there are holidays that are for relaxing and those can be nice for a few days but if you had agreed. It's actually the being grumpy/ sulky that is the worst part.

healthybychristmas · 21/05/2025 10:34

Ugh that level of laziness and lack of energy would have me running for the hills.

CantStopMoving · 21/05/2025 10:34

mumuseli · 21/05/2025 10:33

I feel the issue isn't necessarily your differences in 'holiday style', but the way he has reacted to you. When only a year into a relationship and on a first hol together, I would expect him to make more effort!

Well yes, first holiday together I would expect it to be a slightly more romantic affair than my partner passed out!

healthybychristmas · 21/05/2025 10:34

Sounds like he should have gone on an AI holiday where there was nothing to do except sunbathe.

Bumcake · 21/05/2025 10:35

So you’re up at 6am and eat one meal a day? Yikes. I’d not enjoy a holiday with either of you.

LimitedBrightSpots · 21/05/2025 10:35

I am probably closer to him in terms of levels of energy, in that I also prefer to take it easy on holiday and have lots of down-time.

You are incompatible, definitely, but the behaviour on his part which is just downright unacceptable and pathetic isn't the enjoying lazing about (a good laze is one of life's great pleasures imo), but the moaniness and unwillingness to do things by himself while you do the things you want to do. I have no time at all for adults who won't go to pools and restaurants and find a shop by themselves, but instead wait around for "Mummy" to come home and feed them. That would have given me the rage!

I find that if you are on holiday with incompatible people though, what helps is to discuss openly, plan in advance and compromise on the levels of "crossover" you can tolerate and otherwise let the other person do their own thing, i.e. "I know you want to sleep late, so I'll do this and let's meet here at X time and we can do the thing we both want to do".

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