For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

100% the right decision.

And its right to balance up the obligations you have as a parent vs your needs as a partner.

Your financial focus is for your daughter - dating someone without an income will take money away from your daughter.

Of course it would make a difference. One is by choice ( going into a relationship with that information) the other is not.

I think there's a wealth of difference between well qualified and well educated.

The most successful relationships are between those who share: class, politics, religion and race/nationality. The more that is not even, the rockier the road.

Grandma: different nationality and religion. They were fine but led close but independent lives.

Mother: different nationality/race/religion and politics. They were not compatible.

Me: different class. All fine.

I don't think you have done the wrong thing op, but could you not have said "I've reflected and a ten year age gap is too much for me" and just left it there.

FWIW I wouldn’t have got involved with a man without prospects at 28 and I didn't have a dependant child when I was 28.

@Butterfly789 You can turn down dating a man for whatever reason you want. You don't owe all men a date!

A friend of mine won't date anyone shorter or thinner than her because it triggers her insecurities- that's fine even though some people might say it's superficial. But you're allowed to be superficial before knowing someone. Once you know a person and develop feelings it's different, you don't really care about these things.

I think someone who is permanantly disabled would receive PIP + benefits that equals a salary so you wouldn't be the sole earner though @Butterfly789 . But I do understand that if he seems perfectly able and is out and about then the fact that he choses not to work is very unattractive...

Just some points I want to address -

This man doesn’t class himself as disabled. He had an accident over 10 years ago and hurt his leg, which still causes him pain every now and then. After his accident, he continued to work up until 5 years ago.

I don’t think he’s had a massive pay out because he mentioned a few times that he has plans to go back to work “eventually”

Another thing that put me off him is every morning he goes swimming, goes to the gym, is always out with friends and is always out and about in his car. He just doesn’t present as someone who is unable to have a job to me.

@Butterfly789 not sure why you posted tbh as your replies suggest that you don’t think you are. Personally I would say yes you are are a bit. When did he tell you he doesn’t work or has a disability? Before or after you went on a date? If before then yeah then I think your being unreasonable, this guy opened up you before the date that’s he’s disabled and then to basically throw that back at him for not wanting a second date is low. I know you said it’s not about the disability but inherently at the moment it is, because you don’t know why he can’t or doesn’t work. Yeah he may just be lazy etc but he may not be, think about the uproar over PIP and loads of people defending people with disabilities not being able to work. If you found out after the date or during then I think you’re not because you don’t actively sign up to meet someone whose lifestyle doesn’t work for you.

I think you are perfectly justified and it reflects well on you that you recognise up front that it wouldn't work. You are already responsible for a child and to take on a partner who would likely increase the burden on you is just impractical. Find someone else to love, there are plenty out there. You have no reason to settle for this guy.

I would never date an unemployed man or date a man with a poor job.

Eww! Imagine having sex with someone in a council house. As a bare minimum I'd want a new build, and ideally a sympathetically restored period property.

So what is a 'poor job' for men and women that would make them unacceptable to date?

I completely understand why you do not want to date this man. You are sensible and thinking of yourself and your daughter first. I also wonder why he can’t work at all. Of course it is completely his right to live his life the way he wants to live it, but it is also your right not to chose a man like him as your partner. I definitely would not be interested!

I think you'd have got very different replies had you mentioned in the OP, some of the things you've said subsequently.

A lot of posters have assumed he uses a wheelchair, became disabled due to work and has had compensation money, can't walk very far etc etc.

I think the bigger red flag is that he ‘didn’t take it very well’. I presume you didn’t mention his employment when you decided to stop talking to him. What did he say? Is it possible your spidey senses are telling you this guy is off and you’re trying to justify it?

It rather sounds as though his only disability is "Lazy Bastard Syndrome". I bet he was gutted @Butterfly789. Gutted that he saw his meal ticket fluttering away. Well done!

Don’t give it a second thought. You made the right decision.

If you’re in a ‘well paid’ job then unless it’s 6 figures, you’ll never get to really enjoy the fruits of your labours if the other person is barely bringing in anything. I’d have done the same 🤷‍♀️

Not snobbish maybe slightly shallow gicen your update but you are entitled to date who you want

I think you are being very sensible to consider what the impact could be on you and your child. It’s perfectly reasonable and I wouldn’t date someone I may have to support later if I already had a child, my child is always my priority.

I think it’s fine to not want to date anyone for any reason at all, including not having a job or living in social housing, thats fine, it may not be particularly politically correct but women are not a public service and no-one is owed a relationship. Men routinely don’t want to date women for all sorts of reasons and I doubt other men guilt them for it.

Well, I wouldn't be sure she can do better. She's past the first flush of youth and having a 3 year-old isn't a selling point.

That poster also likely noted that this man didn’t OP’s message well.

They’ve never even met, any decent man would have just said ‘no problem’.

So 28 year old woman in a well paid professional job with her own home can’t do better than a nearly 40 year old unemployed council tenant?

Delulu.

You aren’t compatible , let this one go .

it sounds like he could work but chooses not to. I’d give him a wide berth.

Written by a man . What rubbish