For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

I am unemployed and disabled. I have plenty to offer that is not financial means.
But thanks anyway for making me feel fucking worthless.

Nothing more off putting than poor grammar and spelling 😳

You should ask him outright why he doesn't work when he's able to go to gym etc with friends. Why he doesn't work from home. The answer would be interesting.

Why?
I know people who go to the gym and see friends. They still can't work. They are also not that educated or tech savy so working from home would not be an option.

Op you’ve been an amazing mother here. So proud xx

OP, I wouldn’t either.

He might be a nice man. On the other hand he might be a freeloader looking to be set for life.
I don't know which he is. But the OP has doubts and she should certainly be cautious.

I think always trust your instincts and if you changed your mind and did not want to meet with someone on a romantic date, that’s fine. It was great you let him know too and didn’t ghost. If he was unhappy, that’s on him and not on you.

I am not ignorant -this is your bold assumption. I could provide you with abundant evidence that I'm anything but ignorant, but I can't be bothered. I will present you with a fact, though: the OP is a homeowner, has a good job, and a daughter. Another fact: she is asking for opinions in this forum. Therefore I have given my opinion. She should run away before she falls in love with a man who may become a liability for her, her lifestyle, and her daughter's future.

You made an assumption about a stranger you know very little about based on the fact he goes to the gym and has friends, so therefore he must be able to work. This is ignorant and naive of you - that’s a fact. Disabled people are allowed to have friends and hobbies/health regimes, you know? It doesn’t automatically mean they’re able to easily work.

Secondly, I never once said she should date him, that’s completely her choice. That’s another fact for you.

I appreciate you have suffered, possibly still suffer, from a lack of work opportunities due to disability and mental health issues. As a person with very good physical and mental health, I should know better than entertaining myself reading Mumsnet on work breaks, let alone succumbing to the temptation to post. I wish you all the best. Over and out.

Where does she say he’s disabled?

I would not date anyone who didn’t work, regardless of why. I just couldn’t relate to a non earner.

I think its fine to decide he isn't for you based on what you have said.

However, Id have been vague when I ended up. "Just not feeling it" or words to that effect. I wouldn't have brought up his disability or lack of job etc (how did you word it?)

You wrote all of that to me, someone who also according to you has 'nothing to offer'.

I do not want someone with money and I resent the implication that all disabled people grub for wealthy partners.

I actually dumped a man earlier this year who was rolling in it. Why? Because he was boring. A good job means nothing compared to good company.

I also highly resent the implication that I am somehow worth less as a human being because I have an illness. My life still has value, thank you very much.

@Butterfly789 I wouldn't myself despite being a real romantic myself. I just think that you need to work in life and i would ask how could we share the rewards of these if we are so different financially. I also always ask myself whether I'd be happy with my DD dating someone like x/y/z because often I can't see clearly when I'm dating! Would you be ok with this scenario for your child?

I was asking about couple of friends who are out of work if they are going on dating apps and both said they wouldn't date someone without a job themselves so why would anyone date them at the moment. Both are women. I wonder if men feel the same.

I am disabled myself. I can’t just go work any job. I’m quite restricted in my choices. That doesn’t mean I want to live on disability. It’s an absolute last resort. I’m glad the safety net is there, but living in that safety net for the rest of my life looks miserable. I’m keeping myself out of it any way I can.

I wouldn’t want to date someone who felt comfortable coasting if it was possible to retrain and find employment. Nothing op describes indicates a man who isn’t capable of working if he matched to the right career.

What stood out to me is the fact he 'didn't take it very well' when you rejected him OP. Red flag right there.

You are not being unreasonable. Many people here are assuming he has a disability because he’s not working when OP hasn’t mentioned disability. It’s not always the case- could be another reason such as he had an accident so is choosing not to work due to trauma etc. Either way, yanbu- never works well to start a relationship off on odd footing.

I wouldn’t date anyone unemployed for any reason, our values would just not align at all. You’re ok OP you have done the right thing.

This 100%

Don’t doubt yourself, you have made the right decision here and you know it.

You have to have common goals in a relationship and be able to respect your partner for their endeavour in trying to achieve them. Having a disability doesn’t stop you from achieving in some way or other and I would need to see evidence of this before I’d be interested in seeing someone. Going to the gym and seeing friends every day would not inspire me.

There’s nothing in your post that makes me feel that this man will fulfil your needs.

No way would I get involved with someone who hadn't worked for years yet went out to play sport every day. What is his disability?

How the hell did you come to that conclusion? 😅

Firstly, you can date who you want, and decline who you don’t want. You can have rational or irrational reasons for wanting to decline a date. That’s totally your prerogative.

But comments such as ‘it’s not like he’s at home bedridden or confined to a wheelchair. He probably could get a job.’ Are ableist. You’ve already stated you know nothing about his injury, but you’ve decided that because he goes to the gym, he should be working. Plenty of people living with disabilities go to the gym as part of their ongoing recovery.

If he had an accident at work, the chances are he got an insurance payout of some kind. He may be unemployed due to the accident, but it may also be the case that he doesn’t financially need to work. (Insurance payouts for permanent disablement at work are likely to be sizeable and are designed to compensate for future lost earnings).

Your comments are a vision into your mindset and you’ve made it clear that you’re not interested because he’s not working, and you think he probably could just get over his disability and start, and he lives in a council house. You’ve therefore made an assumption about his whole personality, and reading between the lines you think he’s lazy. I think this judgement says more about you than him.

I return to my original point - you are free to date whoever you want, and decline dates with whoever you don’t want.

I think this guy deserves better.

Well I wouldn’t at your age. There’s no way I would date someone economically inactive as such a young age.

if he turned round and said ‘this is my plan to start working again’ then I would. But doing nothing until retirement for 40 years wouldn’t work for me.

if I was the age I am now (50’s) it would bother me less as if he’d already had a career/house etc and then became unable to work

but at 28, no way !

Of course he didn’t take it well. He disclosed his disability and was rejected. A tale as old as time. However tactful OP thought they were being, the guy is not stupid and can clearly read the room.