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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not dating an unemployed man?

905 replies

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 22:53

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 21/05/2025 07:05

Some of these replies are ridiculous.

You can choose not to date someone for any reason.

The Equality Act doesn't apply to personal relationships and it's not an equal opportunities situation.

No one is owed a relationship and it doesn't matter what your personal reason for rejecting someone is.

sunshineandshowers40 · 21/05/2025 07:06

Of course you have made the right decision. Please ignore posters on here that are giving you are hard time. Why would anyone start dating a man/ woman that didn't work.

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 07:08

nomas · 21/05/2025 07:02

So 28 year old woman in a well paid professional job with her own home can’t do better than a nearly 40 year old unemployed council tenant?

Delulu.

Show quote history

It's no fun mocking snobbery if you make it too obvious!

Comtesse · 21/05/2025 07:09

Your reasoning is completely sound. You are fundamentally incompatible with this man - given age difference, family status, employment.

The only thing you’ve done wrong is second guess yourself.

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2025 07:09

HedgehogOnTheBike · 21/05/2025 01:30

Surely your child is too young for anything serious like moving in together. Why is money an issue here?

You could have had some dates with him if you liked him, if you had childcare.

If you want a man who can provide financially, he's not the one.

But if it was someone to have dinner, chat with, that's different.

That wouldn't be fair on him he he did want a relationship with someone though.

Would you want to be someone's 'not good enough for a relationship but good enough for a chat and dinner with'? Because I wouldn't if a relationship was what I was looking for.

Puzzlemethis · 21/05/2025 07:10

Asking out of curiosity @Butterfly789 - what exactly did you say to him and what was his response to you?

ThatCyanCat · 21/05/2025 07:12

You haven't done anything wrong. At your age, with a child, no way should you be accepting a situation where you'll be the sole earner with a guy you haven't even met. As you say, it's not as if he fell ill 15 years into a relationship. You aren't even at the first date yet.

bigvig · 21/05/2025 07:12

RosesAndHellebores · 21/05/2025 06:38

It rather sounds as though his only disability is "Lazy Bastard Syndrome". I bet he was gutted @Butterfly789. Gutted that he saw his meal ticket fluttering away. Well done!

This. You've dodged a bullet OP. Well done for being so wise at 28.

ThatCyanCat · 21/05/2025 07:13

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 06:56

Well, I wouldn't be sure she can do better. She's past the first flush of youth and having a 3 year-old isn't a selling point.

Show quote history

Hey Dave. How's the basement?

Redflamingos · 21/05/2025 07:13

You can any have reason you like for not dating someone. You don’t owe this person a date.

nomas · 21/05/2025 07:14

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 07:08

It's no fun mocking snobbery if you make it too obvious!

Show quote history

Ah sorry! 🤣

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 07:15

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2025 07:05

Some of these replies are ridiculous.

You can choose not to date someone for any reason.

The Equality Act doesn't apply to personal relationships and it's not an equal opportunities situation.

No one is owed a relationship and it doesn't matter what your personal reason for rejecting someone is.

It can matter what your personal reason for rejecting someone is, if that reason points to a flaw in yourself. For example, many people would think it's bad to be a snob (many people on this thread don't of course) so rejecting someone for snobbish reasons points to a flaw (snobbery) in your personality that should be addressed.

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 07:16

ThatCyanCat · 21/05/2025 07:13

Hey Dave. How's the basement?

Show quote history

It went WAY over your head didn't it?

PruthePrune · 21/05/2025 07:19

Also, just to point out, this man is out every day with friends, at the gym, playing sports so it’s not like he’s at home bedridden or confined to a wheelchair. He probably could get a job. But he didn’t go into details regarding the extent of his injury so I don’t know - but based on his lifestyle, it doesn’t sound like he’s severely disabled

Few people are so incapacitated that they can't do any form of work, this bloke is not one of them. Sounds like a cocklodger in the making. Also, his reaction to you not wanting to date him is a red flag.

Suns1nE · 21/05/2025 07:19

If he had an accident at work perhaps there was a payout that means he doesn’t currently need to work.

Purpleturtle43 · 21/05/2025 07:20

You are not being a snob at all IMO. The same people who are telling you are you, would be the same people pulling you apart for your stupidity in not picking a financially stable partner.

If you are dating for the long term you have to think about how your lifestyles and finances match up, especially as you are getting older and you are a parent. I would've more of a problem with the general work ethic rather than the money. IMO if he can be doing all the things you say he is, he should be working and contributing to society. I couldn't respect someone like that.

DBD1975 · 21/05/2025 07:20

Totally agree with you OP, you are from different worlds and it wouldn't work.
We all suffer rejection and he has no right to be anything but respectful, his reaction shows you have done the right thing.

PawsAndTails · 21/05/2025 07:22

Suns1nE · 21/05/2025 07:19

If he had an accident at work perhaps there was a payout that means he doesn’t currently need to work.

Yes, OP's description of his lifestyle and future plans in the latest post makes me wonder if he doesn't actually need to work as he's sitting on some money. Maybe. You can bet I wouldn't tell anyone that information too quickly.

Canibebovered · 21/05/2025 07:24

YANBU, unfortunately in this day age you have to make sure you look after yourself and particularly as you have a child

When you secure your own financial status as a single woman, especially when you have a child, you really do need to take care to take these things into consideration.

Unfortunately, some will see this as snobbish rude et cetera, et cetera, but I wouldn’t put myself through the agony of it especially then to find out he’s just another cock lodger.

OneLemonGuide · 21/05/2025 07:24

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 06:16

Just some points I want to address -

This man doesn’t class himself as disabled. He had an accident over 10 years ago and hurt his leg, which still causes him pain every now and then. After his accident, he continued to work up until 5 years ago.

I don’t think he’s had a massive pay out because he mentioned a few times that he has plans to go back to work “eventually”

Another thing that put me off him is every morning he goes swimming, goes to the gym, is always out with friends and is always out and about in his car. He just doesn’t present as someone who is unable to have a job to me.

To live a decent life for 5 years with no job, affording a car, gym and socialising, you would need a big payout into six figures. I reckon he must have had this given what you describe… But this will run dry eventually.

In the UK, people don’t tend to get multi-million payouts unless perhaps they are completely disabled and need round-the-clock care.

IglesiasPiggl · 21/05/2025 07:27

I wouldn't date someone who didn't have a job, was quite a bit older than me and lived in different circumstances. That's essentially the situation here. Chances are you won't have much in common long term.

Sunrise8888 · 21/05/2025 07:27

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 06:16

Just some points I want to address -

This man doesn’t class himself as disabled. He had an accident over 10 years ago and hurt his leg, which still causes him pain every now and then. After his accident, he continued to work up until 5 years ago.

I don’t think he’s had a massive pay out because he mentioned a few times that he has plans to go back to work “eventually”

Another thing that put me off him is every morning he goes swimming, goes to the gym, is always out with friends and is always out and about in his car. He just doesn’t present as someone who is unable to have a job to me.

Your described situation reminds me very much of a man I was chatting to online over 5 years ago. He had an injured leg and didn’t work too. He lived several hours from where I did at the time and was very keen to come over. The whole situation was just a lot of red flags to me. Especially not working and I didn’t have any kids at the time. I was feeling bad about it, as he looked like a nice guy. But then now I’m thinking it could just be a scam, he said he was volunteering for the animal shelter etc so all looked good on a paper. But I just had a gut feeling something was off. In the end I told him I didn’t want to meet and he didn’t have job etc He went angry with me too, he suddenly said he owned properties and earns money that way etc however before that he told me he had shooting pains in his leg and he couldn’t work. I don’t know, as I say from our chat, something didn’t look right! Be very careful and skeptical about online dating. There are lots of scammers! Also you have a daughter. So need to be extra careful. Good luck OP!

Seaitoverthere · 21/05/2025 07:29

I think you need to decide what is important to you, stick to your guns and not mention your views to anyone else. It is your decision to make and no one else’s business.

Having had some crap relationships I learned a few lessons and had a bit of a mental check list at your age on things that were important to me in a person, then stuck to it. It has worked well for the best part of 30 years so far.

PruthePrune · 21/05/2025 07:30

@KitsyWitsy
.
I wouldn't say nurses are particularly educated either.

This nurse has got two degrees. Not in woo subjects either.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 21/05/2025 07:32

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 06:16

Just some points I want to address -

This man doesn’t class himself as disabled. He had an accident over 10 years ago and hurt his leg, which still causes him pain every now and then. After his accident, he continued to work up until 5 years ago.

I don’t think he’s had a massive pay out because he mentioned a few times that he has plans to go back to work “eventually”

Another thing that put me off him is every morning he goes swimming, goes to the gym, is always out with friends and is always out and about in his car. He just doesn’t present as someone who is unable to have a job to me.

YANBU. He sounds very able physically and has chosen not to be financially active. That is not attractive. It would be a burden on you and cause resentment in the end.

Imagine paying for a meal out, nice drinks, taxi home, he can’t contribute anything because all his money goes to gym membership and he doesn’t want to be earning.