For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

Yes, I completely get this. To be honest, I’m just too used to being alone now myself to bothered with a relationship and today’s dating app culture has just made it much harder anyway and I can’t be arsed with it 🤣 but also I have accepted that we aren’t for everyone, some people think we ‘don’t bring much to the table’ etc as demonstrated by this thread, so while I’d be open to meeting someone, part of me would be scared in case he resented me down the line for my disability! I know it’s a sad way to think, but it’s the attitudes like those displayed on this thread that make me think that way. I’m too used to my own company and doing what I want, when I want anyway, the same as you

I have been a single mother for ten year and I can tell you a lot of men will say that doesn’t bother them but it’s very hard to have a relationship. Doesn’t mean you need to lower your bar just be single im fine with it.

As a parent who lives in social housing myself. I would not be 'falling in love' with a person 10 years older, with limited prospects.

There will be someone for that person, but it doesn't have to be you. I'm also sure you won't be some people's 'pick' and that's fine too. You also do not need to tie yourself to someone you have doubt about because there are slim pickings for you as a mom. Women with children are here blending families all day, every day.

After a certain point and with certain responsibilities, falling blindly in love and batting away all reasonable considerations is not cute - just stupid.

You have a small child to be concerned with and that isyour foremost concern. Depending on this man's support system, you could end up being his carer, his financier (Depending on the choices you make as the relationship progresses)... Life throws us enough curveballs, so you don't not need to go choosing struggle. There are many threads telling us how challenging these relationships can be.

Surely your child is too young for anything serious like moving in together. Why is money an issue here?

You could have had some dates with him if you liked him, if you had childcare.

If you want a man who can provide financially, he's not the one.

But if it was someone to have dinner, chat with, that's different.

Be cautious. My dd fell fowl of a man who was unemployed but made out he was some kind of IT specialist. He was on the look out for someone who had their own home and an income. He was a real con man and it took my dd some time to get rid of him and then only because he found another woman on the internet.

Me neither. Or anyone in a low-paying job. I'm old and I value education so anyone I date has to be educated and in good employment. I am not interested in delivery drivers, for example.

You don't sound that educated yourself to be fair. A good education does not always equal a good paying job. Some examples include nurses, midwives, physiotherapists, scientists, teachers etc.

Yeah? Do you know what 'and' means? I said educated AND in a good employment; by which I meant decently paid. I wouldn't say nurses are particularly educated either.

Maybe she wants to be able to go on more expensive dates with someone that is willing and able to pay their own way.

A woman not interested in dating an unemployed or low earning men is not automatically on the lookout for a ‘provider’

Nurses need a degree nowadays. If you don't think a degree is considered educated, then I dread to think what you think of anyone who didn't go to uni.

Oh, you wouldn't say nurses are particularly educated. Well there you go, you aren't the brightest button in the box are you.

Haha! Get user name by the way

How are nurses not educated?

And a man or woman who is unemployed is also not automatically on the look out for someone to provide for them either

Seems to me that if someone knew about your disability when you met, dated you, agreed to keep moving the relationship forward etc etc (all the while knowing full well about your disability) that if he then started resenting you at some distant point because of said disability it would be a BS reason for him ending the relationship. It would be akin to knowing someone is very tall/short (no one can do anything about that) and multiple years into the relationship deciding they don't like that factor about someone. I would suspect that if someone did that then it would actually be some other reason for the breakup, and the person was just being an arse for saying it was about your disability.

The caveat to that is that one has to assume the person is going into the relationship totally aware of said disability. And also the potential perhaps of said disability getting worse down the line. That could cause someone to have a valid reason for breaking up with someone (If someone is, for example, bipolar or schizophrenic, and suddenly decides they aren't going to take their meds anymore - thus prompting big time personality changes - it would be understandable for a partner to not want to have to go deal with that - but that's an extreme case.

Please don't view yourself in such a negative light. I realise that is so easy to say - but it's good to set a high bar for what you expect in a partner. It's good to not want to settle for meh. So what if lots of people wouldn't want to date you? I suspect you also wouldn't really like to date the vast majority of blokes on those dating sites. The problem with those sites is that it "introduces" you to a load of people you wouldn't think twice about dating in the first place - which is the same for most people, it's just that you've been forced to make a decision about them versus ignoring them completely as one would normally. If you're having difficulty viewing yourself in a positive light then please chat to a therapist who can help you try to sort that out. Not so you can date, but so you can be happier with your sense of worth and realise that you aren't here to be resented.

Either way they’re not going to be compatible (unless of course they’re independently wealthy).

I don't think all degrees are equal, no.

My own degree was ridiculously easy and not the achievement I hoped it would be. But I wasn't particularly talking about formal education anyway. You can be educated and interesting without that. I suppose I meant more intelligent then. I'm just at a time of my life where I can't be supporting someone else and I have a good lifestyle to maintain.

You are too nice. Stop being so nice when dating, it's how you end up with a loser.

Those "uneducated" nurses will be supporting you when you end up in hospital.

This is exactly correct. You can't win either way.

WOAH - are you intentionally trolling??? Wow. Nurses are very well trained, and study hard for their degrees and qualifications. The notion that being a nurse is not "good employment" is absurd. Be sure to tell them what you think of their qualifications if you ever need medical care.

This begs the question of what exactly the salary would have to be for you to consider that someone is in "good employment".

You sound like some of the dingledongs I met when I decided to retire from my professional career in my thirties...during covid I volunteered at a local school to help kiddos who had to attend versus staying at home (the keyworker and SEN kids for the most part). It was fascinating to see how different people would treat me based on what they assumed was my "level" in life. You seem to be one of those people. Hopefully you tell any poor sod who dates you what a low regard you have for some of societies most awesome people. To be so dismissive of nurses tells us all we need to know here. Yikes.

And people on nursing degrees, or any sort of health care degree, have to do 40 hours a week on placement AND study for exams AND do coursework. And although it is not advised, some even work on top of that too.
Your non-vocational degree does not have you do that.

The thing is, when you’re falling in love with someone it’s easy to think everything will be okay when you know someone is disabled or ill, it’s only when you settle down and the honeymoon period ends that you realise that it’s maybe not what you want out of life and you can start to resent it.

A bit like how people on here get married to people knowing full well they have disabilities and health issues, then decide they no longer want to put up with it and feel like they’ve wasted their lives, or they get married ‘in sickness and in health’ and then their partner gets ill and they resent it because they don’t want to spend their life caring for someone when they could be having fun.

It’s not a self worth issue with me, I know I deserve to be loved and I know I’m a nice person who can make somebody happy, but I’m just not confident I’ll find it because so many people don’t want that, understandably. It’s hard enough these days for able bodied people, and on top of that people seem to have some of the most obscure deal breakers and seem to see everything as a red flag these days even before you factor in disability 🤣

I’ve accepted it. As people have said, people can choose who not to date for whatever reason they choose. It’s up to them and doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. In fact, I wouldn’t want someone I loved to feel hindered by me or feel obligated to help me or finance me.

Plenty of virtue signalling on this thread.

You aren’t a heartless cow @Butterfly789 . It’s perfectly natural to want to date someone who is on a similar financial footing as you are.

Why not?

This man doesn’t work and lives in council housing and as such he can find any number of women just like him - unemployed and at home all day. He doesn’t want that. He wants someone with money.

He has nothing to offer.