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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not dating an unemployed man?

905 replies

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 22:53

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

OP posts:
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 09:54

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 09:20

Wow is this thread still going? It's the strangest I've ever seen on here and the most filled with conjecture, block headedness and point-missing.

OP absolutely grand not to date the man. Nothing to see here. Why does she even need validation?

But she knows absolutely nothing about him. Nothing. Only a bit of preliminary chat. He could be unable to work due to complex injuries/ sequelae but not want to share that before a first date. He could be enjoying his compo/ taking some time out/ a bit lazy. She doesn't know. No idea. Nobody here does.

But she and much of the thread, are assuming he is able to work, has nothing wrong with him, and is choosing not to do anything but have a great time with his pal. This is in contrast to them, salt of the earth types they are and is out to leech off her.

Plenty of examples who are disabled and do work for no reason. Some can, some can't. This means nothing.

Once for for the slow ones, she doesn't know the facts, isn't meeting this man, no need for the presumptions. He has somewhere to stay and yet it's assumed he wants to move and leech off her. Then it's 'i wasn't belittling him!'. Denying being prejudiced doesn't negate it.

The point whizzing by these people's heads, including the OP, is that they do not know anything about him. There's nothing to discuss or fret about.

Genuinely ugly speculation when all we know is that he has had an accident, isn't working but does some activity. She doesnt even know what else he does do and why should she? They've not even had one date. He may be applying or volunteering.

It's a really nasty eye opener about the prejudice truly felt in some quarters against disabled people. It falls under a respectable veil because it's a man trying to date a single woman who does work.

I do not feel it’s ugly speculation, I go to work and even if someone had thousands in the bank but did not go to work I would not want to date them because our life style would not be matching.

Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 09:55

Anyway im
off done. Done with going round in circles

Dangermoo · 22/05/2025 10:38

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 09:20

Wow is this thread still going? It's the strangest I've ever seen on here and the most filled with conjecture, block headedness and point-missing.

OP absolutely grand not to date the man. Nothing to see here. Why does she even need validation?

But she knows absolutely nothing about him. Nothing. Only a bit of preliminary chat. He could be unable to work due to complex injuries/ sequelae but not want to share that before a first date. He could be enjoying his compo/ taking some time out/ a bit lazy. She doesn't know. No idea. Nobody here does.

But she and much of the thread, are assuming he is able to work, has nothing wrong with him, and is choosing not to do anything but have a great time with his pal. This is in contrast to them, salt of the earth types they are and is out to leech off her.

Plenty of examples who are disabled and do work for no reason. Some can, some can't. This means nothing.

Once for for the slow ones, she doesn't know the facts, isn't meeting this man, no need for the presumptions. He has somewhere to stay and yet it's assumed he wants to move and leech off her. Then it's 'i wasn't belittling him!'. Denying being prejudiced doesn't negate it.

The point whizzing by these people's heads, including the OP, is that they do not know anything about him. There's nothing to discuss or fret about.

Genuinely ugly speculation when all we know is that he has had an accident, isn't working but does some activity. She doesnt even know what else he does do and why should she? They've not even had one date. He may be applying or volunteering.

It's a really nasty eye opener about the prejudice truly felt in some quarters against disabled people. It falls under a respectable veil because it's a man trying to date a single woman who does work.

Absolutely ridiculous to leap to disability prejudice; you're making plenty of assumptions yourself. You can try and make the rest of us feel as awful as you want. Anyone in the dating pool can have whatever criteria they want; however narrow minded that appears on the surface. I would rather be guarded than naive and soft and end up being played. I can handle a nice jobless man slipping through the net because I will still be looking after my hard earned assets, without worrying about being sponged off.

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 10:39

Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 09:54

I do not feel it’s ugly speculation, I go to work and even if someone had thousands in the bank but did not go to work I would not want to date them because our life style would not be matching.

Show quote history

This. Is. The. Point. Why go any further than 'She doesn't have to date him. That's absolutely fine'?

But the conjecture about him, led by the OP is awful. She can deny it but that doesn't make it not true.

Why, for example, is it so tough to grasp, that exercise and seeing friends, does not equal 'able to work" necessarily? Not saying that applies to this man. These assumptions should never have been made with this lack of context. These activities are recommended for rehabilitation and ongoing health.

It's not about dating those who aren't compatible. That has moved past being the point. This is about not spreading prejudice based on how people look from a snapshot. That's what it is about.

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 10:42

Dangermoo · 22/05/2025 10:38

Absolutely ridiculous to leap to disability prejudice; you're making plenty of assumptions yourself. You can try and make the rest of us feel as awful as you want. Anyone in the dating pool can have whatever criteria they want; however narrow minded that appears on the surface. I would rather be guarded than naive and soft and end up being played. I can handle a nice jobless man slipping through the net because I will still be looking after my hard earned assets, without worrying about being sponged off.

Show quote history

Can't you read? The comments on here are disability prejudice. Fine not to date anyone. I've said that ten times. Not fine to speculate about their motives and characters based on only knowing they have had an injury. That's exactly what spreads prejudice.

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 10:43

Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 09:55

Anyway im
off done. Done with going round in circles

It's all you've been doing

Dangermoo · 22/05/2025 10:47

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 10:42

Can't you read? The comments on here are disability prejudice. Fine not to date anyone. I've said that ten times. Not fine to speculate about their motives and characters based on only knowing they have had an injury. That's exactly what spreads prejudice.

Show quote history

We also don't know the circumstances of his accident. He could also be lying about that even being the case. You give him the benefit of the doubt, I won't.

abds · 22/05/2025 10:51

Hi OP, you’re a single mum whose priority is your little one and you are right to be centring them in your dating decisions. If you are feeling this way about him already it’s a non-starter so is not worth yours or his time xx

Enough4me · 22/05/2025 11:14

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 10:39

This. Is. The. Point. Why go any further than 'She doesn't have to date him. That's absolutely fine'?

But the conjecture about him, led by the OP is awful. She can deny it but that doesn't make it not true.

Why, for example, is it so tough to grasp, that exercise and seeing friends, does not equal 'able to work" necessarily? Not saying that applies to this man. These assumptions should never have been made with this lack of context. These activities are recommended for rehabilitation and ongoing health.

It's not about dating those who aren't compatible. That has moved past being the point. This is about not spreading prejudice based on how people look from a snapshot. That's what it is about.

Show quote history

OP doesn't want to date him. If she didn't like his hair, his shoes, his whatever it's up to her.
The fact he can talk, is mobile & social and not of retirement age but doesn't intend to consider any type of work, would give me the ick.

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 11:46

Can people genuinely not understand this point? Fine not to date him. Clearly understandable. I'd want someone solvent. I'd personally want someone without kids. That point to me is done and dusted.

But there is no call to assume anything further. About him or anyone else who is not working after an accident without anything further information that has been given.

Not about his medical history, which is not know. Working capability which is not known. Current circs, not known. Finances. Again not known. Which the thread is full of.

This rhetoric is harmful on a wider basis and does not add anything to the OP. We all accept it is the woman's right to choose who not to date. That's a simple point. Why demonise this man with all these speculations, 'cocklodger' etc? It's based on nothing except apparently prejudice.

This is a truly grubby thread.

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 11:48

Dangermoo · 22/05/2025 10:47

We also don't know the circumstances of his accident. He could also be lying about that even being the case. You give him the benefit of the doubt, I won't.

Show quote history

Missing the point again by a country mile.

Dangermoo · 22/05/2025 12:04

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 11:48

Missing the point again by a country mile.

Show quote history

You don't know any more about his circumstances than anyone else. So no, I don't think so.

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 12:20

Dangermoo · 22/05/2025 12:04

You don't know any more about his circumstances than anyone else. So no, I don't think so.

Show quote history

You're hard work.

This is the point. Why is this so tricky for you?

None of us know anything about him.

so there should have been no negative projection about him being poised to live off her free, no ambition to return to work etc

OP has said she assumed he has received no compensation with no details etc etc.

It should have started and ended at 'it's fine to cancel a date for any reason' then move on.

Instead it's assuming the worst about someone she doesn't know not working after an injury with no basis.

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 12:25

I'm bored of this discussion now so signing off but a lot on this thread would do well to work on your comprehension skills even if the rest is beyond you, it's a start.

looselegs · 22/05/2025 12:58

Blackdow · 20/05/2025 23:00

She has a child. If it got serious, and went all the way, she would be the sole supporter of her child and this man. I wouldn’t do it. Plenty of disabled people work. It isn’t about disability. It’s about financially supporting him, and it’s right from the start. It’s different if you’re already in it with someone and then something happens so they stop working; you’ve got a foundation of love and respect and you know they’re not after you for your money. But starting out with such a disparity and knowing he would end up reliant on her… nope.

Show quote history

This! My husband can't work due to health reasons . He became disabled 8 years ago. His benefits just about cover our food bill. I work full time, and we've brought up 2 kids during that time and it was incredibly hard. I pay all the other bills- mortgage, loan....everything. Abd my life, and plans, have had to change because of it.But we've been married a long time do we just got on with it. However I don't think I would start a new relationship in thst situation...

butteredhorseradish · 22/05/2025 13:16

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

You aren't financially compatible. There is too much of an imbalance. This means things aren't starting off on an approximately equal footing.

It's fine for people to quote examples of when they were younger and didn't have a job and met their husband and so on and so forth but once a person is in their late 20s, own their own home and have a child financially compatibility does have to be considered.
The OP has worked hard to create a stable life for her three year old and to be financially independent. Bringing someone else into the mix who is not a homeowner and is unemployed and has been for 5 years could end up causing all kinds of issues.
This man is disabled after an accident 5 years ago and isn't able to work. OP shouldn't be making assumptions about how disabled he is or isn't and claiming that him being out swimming and so on means he doesn't want to work rather than can't work. We don't know his circumstances.
But the OP is perfectly reasonable to say that they aren't compatible and it's perfectly ok to decide not to take the risk of disrupting the stability of her current family set up.

Redflamingos · 22/05/2025 14:12

I can’t see what you have in common with this man? You seem very incompatible imo.

Dangermoo · 22/05/2025 14:27

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 12:25

I'm bored of this discussion now so signing off but a lot on this thread would do well to work on your comprehension skills even if the rest is beyond you, it's a start.

Yes and you could do with cutting out the guilt trip and making a mother with a child feel like shit. Her child comes first.

JenniferBooth · 23/05/2025 19:37

Catandsquirrel · 22/05/2025 11:46

Can people genuinely not understand this point? Fine not to date him. Clearly understandable. I'd want someone solvent. I'd personally want someone without kids. That point to me is done and dusted.

But there is no call to assume anything further. About him or anyone else who is not working after an accident without anything further information that has been given.

Not about his medical history, which is not know. Working capability which is not known. Current circs, not known. Finances. Again not known. Which the thread is full of.

This rhetoric is harmful on a wider basis and does not add anything to the OP. We all accept it is the woman's right to choose who not to date. That's a simple point. Why demonise this man with all these speculations, 'cocklodger' etc? It's based on nothing except apparently prejudice.

This is a truly grubby thread.

I totally agree. And next time i see an NHS medic HCP etc moan on here about patients not doing their physio or prescribed excersise im going to show them this thread. Every Single Time.

Pavedaspen · 23/05/2025 20:03

JenniferBooth · 23/05/2025 19:37

I totally agree. And next time i see an NHS medic HCP etc moan on here about patients not doing their physio or prescribed excersise im going to show them this thread. Every Single Time.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly!

Etaerio · 24/05/2025 05:40

Dangermoo · 22/05/2025 14:27

Yes and you could do with cutting out the guilt trip and making a mother with a child feel like shit. Her child comes first.

Show quote history

Really? It seems that sneering at disabled people is the highest priority for some people here.

Dangermoo · 24/05/2025 08:58

Etaerio · 24/05/2025 05:40

Really? It seems that sneering at disabled people is the highest priority for some people here.

Show quote history

Has a disability been confirmed?

IHateMoist · 24/05/2025 09:08

God, there are some absolute dickheads on this thread. OP you are doing the right and responsible thing and thinking of your child first. I wouldn’t date him either and all those berating you and accusing you of all kinds of nonsense wouldn’t either. They’re just trolls wanting to cause hurt and drama. Ignore them.

Dangermoo · 24/05/2025 09:16

IHateMoist · 24/05/2025 09:08

God, there are some absolute dickheads on this thread. OP you are doing the right and responsible thing and thinking of your child first. I wouldn’t date him either and all those berating you and accusing you of all kinds of nonsense wouldn’t either. They’re just trolls wanting to cause hurt and drama. Ignore them.

Well said. OP doesn't even know the circumstances of an accident, if an accident actually even happened. It's not up to her to be moralistic when her family's interests should come first. How many women have felt sorry for blokes, who appeared nice and turned out to be violent. Nice also doesn't pay the bills.

Etaerio · 24/05/2025 18:59

IHateMoist · 24/05/2025 09:08

God, there are some absolute dickheads on this thread. OP you are doing the right and responsible thing and thinking of your child first. I wouldn’t date him either and all those berating you and accusing you of all kinds of nonsense wouldn’t either. They’re just trolls wanting to cause hurt and drama. Ignore them.

Yep, there are certainly dickheads on this thread. For example, the ones sneering at people with disabilities or who live in council housing.