For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

Honestly, keep banging that drum. You're very effectively proving my point about the kind of person who makes value judgements about others.

Why is it depressing. All the girl wants is her equal this guy isn’t and that’s ok. There’s plenty of women who will be. If people are
not working for a good reason fine but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.

I am not banging any drum. She does not have to date this guy. This could just be a phase in his life but right now they’re not compatible why is that so hard to understand.

Even OP has given up. Adios

It is possible he had a settlement due to the accident he had at work and is living off of that.

Same here. Sad to see people on here see us as cocklodgers and the like, or have nothing to offer.

A bit of a pile on the OP for no real reason. I would absolutely rather be single in her position than start dating an unemployed, unambitious man.

Better disabled than having an awful personality.

Why is it always women who have to compromise and lower their expectations and standards?

We all make value judgements in life, and when picking a partner it’s extremely important to consider compatibility beyond ‘are they nice?’, which frankly is the bare minimum.

I’m talking in relation to the comments that have been made about disabled people, unemployment and council housing in general.

Noone is saying they should. Just no need to make nasty awful speculative comments about someone's financial status, health etc if they don't have all the details.

Exactly

Ultimately, you have to put your child first, OP. A relationship that is likely to divert resources away from her is unlikely to be in her best interests.

“Meeting up with him is wasting everybody’s time. Why should she meet up with a man she is not interested in dating.”

@JHound yeah can you imagine how much worse he’d have taken it if she sacked him off after a first date. Especially if he had insisted on paying.

Dating strangers can be dangerous. You don’t know how random men will react or behave. There was one poster on here a while back saying a guy kept kissing her extremely roughly at the end of the first date despite her objections. I think he did it in a park and then again when he walked her home or something.

And I’ve heard many women report that their dates were insistent they get a kiss/go back to theirs. Or send a barrage of abuse after a date if they had texted to say there would be no second /further date.

I know some advice is to meet up after a few days or a week or so and that’s fine if it works for you but it doesn’t for me . I wait at least a few weeks until I feel comfortable with them. Yeah I’ll never be sure what someone is like until I meet them and even then it takes time to suss them out, but I like to be as sure as reasonably possible before I meet in person.

I’ve weeded out so many wrong ‘uns this way and never had a bad first date when I did online dating.

Yes, this isn’t what I meant. On here, the general consensus is it’s better to meet people in person quickly, that way you get to know if you’re compatible rather than spending weeks chatting online and risk one of you getting overly attached before you’ve met. I wasn’t for a second suggesting she should meet up with him now, but that she maybe should have considered it at the beginning instead of wasting both of their time chatting for three weeks and then realising he wasn’t for her.

She may have come to the realisation he wasn’t for her much sooner, or got more clarification on his disability and hopes for the future if they’d have had a conversation in person.

I haven’t read every single exchange as I was away from this thread for most of the day but I have no idea what you said or didn’t say.

Just to be clear, I was responding to what @JHound said as it tied into an opinion I had already shared this morning, hence I just quoted a part of her response rather than a whole quote thread.

And btw I’ve already acknowledged common advice is to meet up sooner rather than later but I was saying why that doesn’t always work for everyone and why taking a few weeks works better for me.

Yeah, that’s fine, it was my post that she was responding to, that’s all.

My point was just agreeing with what jhound has said and elaborating on my earlier point. Yep, all good.

I don’t hate anyone I had an unfortunate situation with someone who lied to me they were just taking a break from work however he wanted to sponge money off me at every opportunity so I would not do it again. I don’t hate anyone.

He is not disabled though that’s the whole point I live in council housing myself! But I work and I have had period of being out of work but at that time I would not be looking to date of im honest.

I'm amazed this thread is still going.

We all set different criteria for dating different expectations for ourselves and our lives and have different aspirations. We all have different things we'd overlook. Different deal breakers.

No one has to give another person a chance if they don't want to. For any reason.

No one is wrong for having different criteria to someone else. They are just different.

I'm amazed that there are so many people who would 'give someone a chance' in their dating life because they might be a nice person and 'deserve a chance' rather than holding out for someone better suited - whatever the reason might be.

And as far as judging someone goes, I'd judge someone far sooner for 'giving a chance' to or settling for someome else who wasn't right for them just so that they weren't single than I would for knowing what they want.

It's ok not to date someone for any reason you choose.
You do not owe any man a relationship.

Wow is this thread still going? It's the strangest I've ever seen on here and the most filled with conjecture, block headedness and point-missing.

OP absolutely grand not to date the man. Nothing to see here. Why does she even need validation?

But she knows absolutely nothing about him. Nothing. Only a bit of preliminary chat. He could be unable to work due to complex injuries/ sequelae but not want to share that before a first date. He could be enjoying his compo/ taking some time out/ a bit lazy. She doesn't know. No idea. Nobody here does.

But she and much of the thread, are assuming he is able to work, has nothing wrong with him, and is choosing not to do anything but have a great time with his pal. This is in contrast to them, salt of the earth types they are and is out to leech off her.

Plenty of examples who are disabled and do work for no reason. Some can, some can't. This means nothing.

Once for for the slow ones, she doesn't know the facts, isn't meeting this man, no need for the presumptions. He has somewhere to stay and yet it's assumed he wants to move and leech off her. Then it's 'i wasn't belittling him!'. Denying being prejudiced doesn't negate it.

The point whizzing by these people's heads, including the OP, is that they do not know anything about him. There's nothing to discuss or fret about.

Genuinely ugly speculation when all we know is that he has had an accident, isn't working but does some activity. She doesnt even know what else he does do and why should she? They've not even had one date. He may be applying or volunteering.

It's a really nasty eye opener about the prejudice truly felt in some quarters against disabled people. It falls under a respectable veil because it's a man trying to date a single woman who does work.