Page 25 | For not dating an unemployed man?

Butterfly789 · 2025-05-20T21:53:58+00:00

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow! I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well. For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed. Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:08

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:00

The basis of me not continuing things with him is because our lives are incompatible (as I’ve said several times on this thread). I included that info in my OP to highlight our differences. Nothing about me thinking I’m better than him or looking down on him!

How is “many people won’t want to date you because you’re a single mum” in any way relevant to my post? I know there’s people who won’t want to date a single mum. And…? What’s your point?

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The point is judge not lest ye be judged, I believe.

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:09

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 16:15

I’m really shocked at some of the comments regarding me being a single mum and posters determined to let me know I’m “not a catch” and there will be “many men” who won’t want to date me. I have already acknowledged there will be men who won’t want to date a single mum - I don’t have a problem with this and fail to see how it’s even relevant to anything I’ve said.

I will say though, in the time that I’ve been dating, I haven’t encountered any men who have had anything negative to say about me being a mum and have had no issues being asked out on dates. So this whole idea that single mums are undesirable or not wanted by many men is absolute BS in my experience. I do not need to lower my standards just because I’m a mum. Really shocked that this is even being suggested on a forum full of women and mums.

I also want to address the posters saying I’ve made “belittling comments” regarding the man my OP is about. In the whole post, I don’t think I have said anything negative about him, I’ve just given the facts - he’s 10 years older than me, doesn’t work and lives in a council house. There’s nothing belittling about that. It is information I received from him. I included it in the OP to give context to the situation to show that our lifestyles are different. I have not once said that I view people in council houses as “less than” or “below me”

Also, when I told him I don’t want to continue things, I didn’t say “it’s because you don’t work”, I said something along the lines of ‘we have different priorities and are at different stages of life’

I think the fact you “let him down gently” and diplomatically and he still reacted badly tells you all you need to know about as well as the lack of a job.

You dodged a bullet.

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:10

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:08

The point is judge not lest ye be judged, I believe.

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She is not judging him.

She is choosing not to date him.

DraftLovely · 21/05/2025 19:11

I think this one is quite easy. Ask yourself, will he make my life better or will he make my life worse? Then also ask yourself, will having him in our lives make my child's life better or worse? The answer is obviously worse so stop seeing him.

WeylandYutani · 21/05/2025 19:11

Spectre8 · 21/05/2025 19:07

Wwll if you are going to judge other people then others will judge you.

You've made awful speculative comments about him thay aren't warranted. You don't know if you will have to financially support him in the future. You don't know if he plans to go bsck to work and just needs a short break for a while. You don't know the extent of his current health but judge him for meeting friends and going to the gym but not work. Yet he is able to finance his life right now. You don't know why he is in a council house either. But you've judged him already and made those comments here.

You don't have to date him and you can choose to decide he isn't right for you but you don't need to go about making those comments and making judgey speculative comments that are demeaning him.

Edited

Inviting people on here to judge him too.

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:12

Spectre8 · 21/05/2025 19:07

Wwll if you are going to judge other people then others will judge you.

You've made awful speculative comments about him thay aren't warranted. You don't know if you will have to financially support him in the future. You don't know if he plans to go bsck to work and just needs a short break for a while. You don't know the extent of his current health but judge him for meeting friends and going to the gym but not work. Yet he is able to finance his life right now. You don't know why he is in a council house either. But you've judged him already and made those comments here.

You don't have to date him and you can choose to decide he isn't right for you but you don't need to go about making those comments and making judgey speculative comments that are demeaning him.

Edited

“Awful” comments? That’s a bit dramatic. I’ve only stated facts. Why does that make me judgy? I haven’t said anything negative about people who are unable to work due to being disabled (which this man does NOT claim to be btw) or people who live in social housing. All I have said is I would prefer a partner who can bring the same things I bring to the table in regards to finances/assets

OP posts:

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:13

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:12

The fact that something is your choice doesn't mean that it doesn't matter. What an absurd thing to say! "Who should I marry?" . "It doesn't matter".

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It definitely doesn’t matter. People’s personal dating choices absolutely do not matter as they only impact the person making that choice and nobody is entitled to have anybody of their choosing be attracted to them.

Hubblebubble · 21/05/2025 19:13

Situation A. Homeowner dates renter. They fall in love. Renter moves in. They marry. Years pass. They divorce. House is split. Homeowner is worse off.
Situation B. Homeowner dates Homeowner. They fall in love. They sell respective properties and buy a more valuable one together. They marry. Years pass. They divorce. House is split. Neither are worse off than they entered the marriage.

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:14

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:08

The point is judge not lest ye be judged, I believe.

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So according to you, choosing not to date someone because you believe you’re incompatible is being judgy?

OP posts:

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:14

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:10

She is not judging him.

She is choosing not to date him.

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Based on value judgements.

I mean, she can do whatever she wants but I'm not applauding it.

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:15

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:14

Another one who's slow on the uptake. Did it ever occur to you to think about what you read?

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She can certainly do better than a long term unemployed man.

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:17

Spectre8 · 21/05/2025 19:07

Wwll if you are going to judge other people then others will judge you.

You've made awful speculative comments about him thay aren't warranted. You don't know if you will have to financially support him in the future. You don't know if he plans to go bsck to work and just needs a short break for a while. You don't know the extent of his current health but judge him for meeting friends and going to the gym but not work. Yet he is able to finance his life right now. You don't know why he is in a council house either. But you've judged him already and made those comments here.

You don't have to date him and you can choose to decide he isn't right for you but you don't need to go about making those comments and making judgey speculative comments that are demeaning him.

Edited

“A short break”

Five Years.

Teanbiscuits33 · 21/05/2025 19:18

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:09

I think the fact you “let him down gently” and diplomatically and he still reacted badly tells you all you need to know about as well as the lack of a job.

You dodged a bullet.

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Well, some people can take rejection better than others, to be fair. OP doesn’t have to date anybody she doesn’t feel is compatible, I’m not judging that, but the way people are assuming he reacted badly because he saw OP as a meal ticket make me laugh.

Perhaps he’s just sick of the constant rejection and he’s downtrodden about it. It’s not OP’s fault and he should have been more gracious, yes, it’s not an excuse, but I can see why he might have reacted badly if he quite liked chatting to her and all of a sudden she’s saying she’s not feeling it, that’s a blow.

To assume he’s angry because he wanted to freeload is a bit of a leap. If you’ve been chatting to someone for a few weeks and are becoming fond of them it can be quite upsetting. Maybe OP should have met up with him etc and made her decision then rather than dragging it out.

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:20

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:14

Based on value judgements.

I mean, she can do whatever she wants but I'm not applauding it.

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No, based on compatibility. Your are projecting your own value judgements onto OP.

She has not criticised him nor said nobody would want him.

She is just declining to date a man she is not compatible with.

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:21

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:20

No, based on compatibility. Your are projecting your own value judgements onto OP.

She has not criticised him nor said nobody would want him.

She is just declining to date a man she is not compatible with.

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Thank you!

OP posts:

nomas · 21/05/2025 19:22

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 07:08

It's no fun mocking snobbery if you make it too obvious!

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So were you being sarcastic? Why not just say what you mean? You seem ashamed of your views, just own them.

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:23

Teanbiscuits33 · 21/05/2025 19:18

Well, some people can take rejection better than others, to be fair. OP doesn’t have to date anybody she doesn’t feel is compatible, I’m not judging that, but the way people are assuming he reacted badly because he saw OP as a meal ticket make me laugh.

Perhaps he’s just sick of the constant rejection and he’s downtrodden about it. It’s not OP’s fault and he should have been more gracious, yes, it’s not an excuse, but I can see why he might have reacted badly if he quite liked chatting to her and all of a sudden she’s saying she’s not feeling it, that’s a blow.

To assume he’s angry because he wanted to freeload is a bit of a leap. If you’ve been chatting to someone for a few weeks and are becoming fond of them it can be quite upsetting. Maybe OP should have met up with him etc and made her decision then rather than dragging it out.

Edited

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So what of he is sick of “constant rejection”?

That is not OP’s problem and does not justify or even explain him being shitty about a woman declining to see him further.

That behaviour is a red flag and it’s disturbing to see women making excuses for it.

I said nothing about him being angry because he wanted to freeload.

Maybe quote those who said that?

Meeting up with him is wasting everybody’s time. Why should she meet up with a man she is not interested in dating.

SmallSoupcon · 21/05/2025 19:25

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:14

So according to you, choosing not to date someone because you believe you’re incompatible is being judgy?

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OP seems you've opened a can of worms by posting your personal dating choices on social media! I suggest you walk away from this thread now, because you don't need to justify your decisions to ANYONE. Least of all a bunch of randoms on the internet.

People go off people for all sorts of reasons - the way they eat, their weird laugh, their feet... The fact you're thinking about practicalities seems to have got some people's backs up in here. But their opinions don't matter. All that matters is you and your daughter are safe and happy. If you know this man isn't right for you, so be it. Move on.

nomas · 21/05/2025 19:26

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:14

Based on value judgements.

I mean, she can do whatever she wants but I'm not applauding it.

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Do you think you own her or something that you think you get to approve or disapprove of who she dates?

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:27

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:20

No, based on compatibility. Your are projecting your own value judgements onto OP.

She has not criticised him nor said nobody would want him.

She is just declining to date a man she is not compatible with.

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So why are you telling the OP she can "do better"?

Like has been said, it's no different to a man saying he can "do better" than a woman with a young child. It's a value judgement.

Teanbiscuits33 · 21/05/2025 19:28

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:23

So what of he is sick of “constant rejection”?

That is not OP’s problem and does not justify or even explain him being shitty about a woman declining to see him further.

That behaviour is a red flag and it’s disturbing to see women making excuses for it.

I said nothing about him being angry because he wanted to freeload.

Maybe quote those who said that?

Meeting up with him is wasting everybody’s time. Why should she meet up with a man she is not interested in dating.

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If you read my post you will see that I said it’s not OP’s fault and he should have taken it better, but that I can see why he might have reacted badly. A few posters on here have called him things like a ‘cocklodger in the making’ I think this was actually the very first reply, and others have said that he thought his luck was in because OP is a home owning professional and that’s why he took the rejection badly. Just read it back, I can’t remember the specific posters.

Edited to add: I didn’t say she should meet up with him now, I meant perhaps she should have met up with him earlier on instead of chatting for three weeks online. Isn’t the usual consensus on here to meet online suitors earlier so you can work out your compatibility rather than getting attached chatting for weeks?

nomas · 21/05/2025 19:28

SmallSoupcon · 21/05/2025 19:25

OP seems you've opened a can of worms by posting your personal dating choices on social media! I suggest you walk away from this thread now, because you don't need to justify your decisions to ANYONE. Least of all a bunch of randoms on the internet.

People go off people for all sorts of reasons - the way they eat, their weird laugh, their feet... The fact you're thinking about practicalities seems to have got some people's backs up in here. But their opinions don't matter. All that matters is you and your daughter are safe and happy. If you know this man isn't right for you, so be it. Move on.

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I agree with you that this is no one’s business but OP’s but I don’t see why she should walk away from her own thread. She might be finding the debate useful.

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:30

nomas · 21/05/2025 19:26

Do you think you own her or something that you think you get to approve or disapprove of who she dates?

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I don't care who she dates. But if I were her, I'd have kept this one to myself. She's not covering herself in glory by deciding she's too good for a man who lives in a council house.

FKAT · 21/05/2025 19:32

Slight tangent but when I think of all the couples I know they all came from similar economic backgrounds. Me & DH were creative, ambitious kids from working class backgrounds and single mother households. In our friendship groups, doctors are married to doctors, media types to media types, lawyers to lawyers. Even though there is a wide range of ethnic / religious / political difference, broadly the education levels and career outlook is the same.

I have one friend who married (slightly) 'down' (they have similar careers but she is from a much more privileged background - coincidentally he is 10+ years older) and it was a mistake. Oh and my mum of course who married way beneath her and it destroyed her. But that's another story.

This is why I am so keen on having financial compatibility. Romance dies but attitudes to money, career, finance, household, lifestyle - that is what matters. Even though DH developed a chronic condition that impacted his health - his career and work ethic remained a priority.

Spectre8 · 21/05/2025 19:33

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:12

“Awful” comments? That’s a bit dramatic. I’ve only stated facts. Why does that make me judgy? I haven’t said anything negative about people who are unable to work due to being disabled (which this man does NOT claim to be btw) or people who live in social housing. All I have said is I would prefer a partner who can bring the same things I bring to the table in regards to finances/assets

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You said he is able to go to the gym meet friends drive 4hrs but not be working. Thay is an awful comment. You don't know his current health issues in detail but apparently you think because he can do those things he is capable of working.

Ans just because he doesn't want to lable himself as disabled doesn't make his health issues any less impactful on his life. There has always been a stigma about disabled people ffs 🙄 and you are here reinforcing that with your comment about him doing things but not working.

You didn't have to say that he lives in a council house!

You could of come here and said he doesn't own his own home and I'm looking for someone who is an equal to me financially. There are so many better ways you could of put it but no you chose to write in a way that makes you come across that you see him as a lesser person because he doesn't own a home or is working.