Page 24 | For not dating an unemployed man?

Butterfly789 · 2025-05-20T21:53:58+00:00

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow! I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well. For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed. Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

SouthernFashionista · 21/05/2025 16:15

JenniferBooth · 21/05/2025 13:29

Bet you were happy to use them to the hilt during the lockdowns though. If there is another one i really hope the essential workers lock down too.

Clapping for them five years ago. Now looking down on them and calling them uneducated.

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Ridiculous. I appreciate the vital work carried out by these people. It doesn’t mean I’m obliged to date one. It simply wouldn’t work - we would be poles apart.

SouthernFashionista · 21/05/2025 16:19

WeylandYutani · 21/05/2025 14:28

That is my issue with this thread too. It comes across as a character assassination of this man.
Does OP want validation? Or is she just wanting people to sneer at this man and make assumptions about his life, work ethic and financial situation

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I don’t think there are many assumptions. It’s all pretty clear. Here we have a man who has had some kind of unspecified injury, who appears to be fit and well otherwise, allowing him to exercise daily, choosing not to work and live in state funded housing. He sounds far from a catch. OP, run a mile and don’t think about him again. You can do far better.

Zov · 21/05/2025 16:28

@Butterfly789 · Today 16:15

I’m really shocked at some of the comments regarding me being a single mum and posters determined to let me know I’m “not a catch” and there will be “many men” who won’t want to date me. I have already acknowledged there will be men who won’t want to date a single mum - I don’t have a problem with this and fail to see how it’s even relevant to anything I’ve said.

I will say though, in the time that I’ve been dating, I haven’t encountered any men who have had anything negative to say about me being a mum and have had no issues being asked out on dates. So this whole idea that single mums are undesirable or not wanted by many men is absolute BS in my experience. I do not need to lower my standards just because I’m a mum. Really shocked

I'm sorry you feel wounded by the rude 'you're not a catch anyway' type comments @Butterfly789 PLEASE ignore these comments. You ARE a catch, and you are worthy, and you are entitled to not want to date this man. As has been said, he is not even 40 yet and seems to have no intention of looking for a job any time soon. He seems far too laid back and happy to be sticking where he is, and not moving on with his life. You really do deserve better than this. And you do know it, otherwise you would not have started this thread. Do not date this man. Look after yourself and your lovely child.

ThatCyanCat · 21/05/2025 17:00

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 16:15

I’m really shocked at some of the comments regarding me being a single mum and posters determined to let me know I’m “not a catch” and there will be “many men” who won’t want to date me. I have already acknowledged there will be men who won’t want to date a single mum - I don’t have a problem with this and fail to see how it’s even relevant to anything I’ve said.

I will say though, in the time that I’ve been dating, I haven’t encountered any men who have had anything negative to say about me being a mum and have had no issues being asked out on dates. So this whole idea that single mums are undesirable or not wanted by many men is absolute BS in my experience. I do not need to lower my standards just because I’m a mum. Really shocked that this is even being suggested on a forum full of women and mums.

I also want to address the posters saying I’ve made “belittling comments” regarding the man my OP is about. In the whole post, I don’t think I have said anything negative about him, I’ve just given the facts - he’s 10 years older than me, doesn’t work and lives in a council house. There’s nothing belittling about that. It is information I received from him. I included it in the OP to give context to the situation to show that our lifestyles are different. I have not once said that I view people in council houses as “less than” or “below me”

Also, when I told him I don’t want to continue things, I didn’t say “it’s because you don’t work”, I said something along the lines of ‘we have different priorities and are at different stages of life’

OP, they are negging you. It's an absolutely ancient tactic, it was old when I was young. Don't be fooled. Some men think their best bet to get a date is to make women so insecure that even these guys look like a good bet. Ignore it and date who you want. I guarantee this guy isn't online asking whether it's OK for him to try to date solvent, professional women ten years younger.

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 17:09

Zov · 21/05/2025 16:28

@Butterfly789 · Today 16:15

I’m really shocked at some of the comments regarding me being a single mum and posters determined to let me know I’m “not a catch” and there will be “many men” who won’t want to date me. I have already acknowledged there will be men who won’t want to date a single mum - I don’t have a problem with this and fail to see how it’s even relevant to anything I’ve said.

I will say though, in the time that I’ve been dating, I haven’t encountered any men who have had anything negative to say about me being a mum and have had no issues being asked out on dates. So this whole idea that single mums are undesirable or not wanted by many men is absolute BS in my experience. I do not need to lower my standards just because I’m a mum. Really shocked

I'm sorry you feel wounded by the rude 'you're not a catch anyway' type comments @Butterfly789 PLEASE ignore these comments. You ARE a catch, and you are worthy, and you are entitled to not want to date this man. As has been said, he is not even 40 yet and seems to have no intention of looking for a job any time soon. He seems far too laid back and happy to be sticking where he is, and not moving on with his life. You really do deserve better than this. And you do know it, otherwise you would not have started this thread. Do not date this man. Look after yourself and your lovely child.

Edited

Thank you so much. It really is a horrible comment considering no one knows how or why I ended up being a single mum.

I’m actually a single mum because I left an abusive relationship. A relationship that many women encouraged me to leave. Yet it is also women who are now telling me I’m not a catch because of it. Lol

OP posts:

Pavedaspen · 21/05/2025 17:12

SouthernFashionista · 21/05/2025 16:19

I don’t think there are many assumptions. It’s all pretty clear. Here we have a man who has had some kind of unspecified injury, who appears to be fit and well otherwise, allowing him to exercise daily, choosing not to work and live in state funded housing. He sounds far from a catch. OP, run a mile and don’t think about him again. You can do far better.

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Please don't make up these lies about cpuncil housing, pretending it's 'state funded.' Your behaviour here is another example of how this thread seems to be attacking people who live in ethical housing or who are disabled.

Missj25 · 21/05/2025 17:28

I def didn’t read all the posts OP ..
Can’t believe people have spoken like that ! !
I & all the normal posters here understand completely what you are saying & not for one second think it’s cause you are belittling him 🙄
FFS , you’re saying the situation as it is .
Also like to add , having a child in no way will ever hinder you meeting anyone, cause any of the decent , nice guys worth your time geuinely will not care ! ! 😊 X

Londontown12 · 21/05/2025 18:02

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 16:15

I’m really shocked at some of the comments regarding me being a single mum and posters determined to let me know I’m “not a catch” and there will be “many men” who won’t want to date me. I have already acknowledged there will be men who won’t want to date a single mum - I don’t have a problem with this and fail to see how it’s even relevant to anything I’ve said.

I will say though, in the time that I’ve been dating, I haven’t encountered any men who have had anything negative to say about me being a mum and have had no issues being asked out on dates. So this whole idea that single mums are undesirable or not wanted by many men is absolute BS in my experience. I do not need to lower my standards just because I’m a mum. Really shocked that this is even being suggested on a forum full of women and mums.

I also want to address the posters saying I’ve made “belittling comments” regarding the man my OP is about. In the whole post, I don’t think I have said anything negative about him, I’ve just given the facts - he’s 10 years older than me, doesn’t work and lives in a council house. There’s nothing belittling about that. It is information I received from him. I included it in the OP to give context to the situation to show that our lifestyles are different. I have not once said that I view people in council houses as “less than” or “below me”

Also, when I told him I don’t want to continue things, I didn’t say “it’s because you don’t work”, I said something along the lines of ‘we have different priorities and are at different stages of life’

I’m also shocked at a lot of these comments !!
tbh it’s disgusting all because you have self respect for yourself and putting yourself and daughter first !!
good on you @Butterfly789 don’t let nasty people get u down ! X

HerNeighbourTotoro · 21/05/2025 18:06

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:14

I mentioned it to show our different lifestyles.

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Do you think that living i na council house is a lifestyle? Jesus wept.

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:12

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2025 12:56

It still doesn't matter though.

Even if someone doesn't want to date someone for the most shallow or spurious of reasons, it still doesn't matter.

It's still their choice.

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The fact that something is your choice doesn't mean that it doesn't matter. What an absurd thing to say! "Who should I marry?" . "It doesn't matter".

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 18:14

HerNeighbourTotoro · 21/05/2025 18:06

Do you think that living i na council house is a lifestyle? Jesus wept.

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Fgs. It’s part of a bigger picture which shows we live different lives.

OP posts:

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:14

hattie43 · 21/05/2025 07:04

Written by a man . What rubbish

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Another one who's slow on the uptake. Did it ever occur to you to think about what you read?

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:18

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 17:09

Thank you so much. It really is a horrible comment considering no one knows how or why I ended up being a single mum.

I’m actually a single mum because I left an abusive relationship. A relationship that many women encouraged me to leave. Yet it is also women who are now telling me I’m not a catch because of it. Lol

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But if it's OK for you to have a transactional approach to dating (and it is) how can you complain about people having the same attitude to you?

Legomania · 21/05/2025 18:29

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:12

The fact that something is your choice doesn't mean that it doesn't matter. What an absurd thing to say! "Who should I marry?" . "It doesn't matter".

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I can't believe this needs spelling out but:

Pp doesn't mean "It doesn't matter who people marry; they should just marry anyone". They mean: "It doesn't matter what reason someone has for rejecting a potential partner, the fact remains that it is their choice"

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 18:30

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:18

But if it's OK for you to have a transactional approach to dating (and it is) how can you complain about people having the same attitude to you?

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There are people trying to make me feel like nobody will ever want me because I’m a mum. Where in my OP have I said anything remotely like that about the man I’m describing? I haven’t said that no one will ever want him because of his situation, I haven’t said anything horrible about him. I’ve just simply said his lifestyle isn’t compatible with mine. The comments being made to me are completely unwarranted and are just bitchy and mean.

OP posts:

Lesleyann25 · 21/05/2025 18:39

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 18:30

There are people trying to make me feel like nobody will ever want me because I’m a mum. Where in my OP have I said anything remotely like that about the man I’m describing? I haven’t said that no one will ever want him because of his situation, I haven’t said anything horrible about him. I’ve just simply said his lifestyle isn’t compatible with mine. The comments being made to me are completely unwarranted and are just bitchy and mean.

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I am not saying nobody will want you because you are a mother but I split with child’s father when she was 2 and if I am completely honest with you a lot of guys are scared off. I didn’t want to see this when she was little she is now 11 ive had a few short term relationships but they have not worked out. It’s not the same for everyone. People tell me I am an attractive woman but I am
older than you so for me it could be that reason. Do not drop your standards bevause I really did one time and I really regret that. Just enjoy being single and the time with your child and someone great could come along. My friend met an amazing guy when her son was 5 but it can be diffficult.

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:39

Legomania · 21/05/2025 18:29

I can't believe this needs spelling out but:

Pp doesn't mean "It doesn't matter who people marry; they should just marry anyone". They mean: "It doesn't matter what reason someone has for rejecting a potential partner, the fact remains that it is their choice"

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Ah, so you didn't mean what you said. OK. You're still wrong. For the reason I've already pointed out. Aren't you able to engage with that?

Legomania · 21/05/2025 18:41

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 18:30

There are people trying to make me feel like nobody will ever want me because I’m a mum. Where in my OP have I said anything remotely like that about the man I’m describing? I haven’t said that no one will ever want him because of his situation, I haven’t said anything horrible about him. I’ve just simply said his lifestyle isn’t compatible with mine. The comments being made to me are completely unwarranted and are just bitchy and mean.

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Honestly just ignore them op. There are people on this thread with a chip on their shoulder the size of Wales and some with atrocious reading comprehension They're just sticking the boot in because they know you feel uncertain about this.

No-one (here or elsewhere) has the right to determine your boundaries for who would make a suitable partner

Legomania · 21/05/2025 18:43

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:39

Ah, so you didn't mean what you said. OK. You're still wrong. For the reason I've already pointed out. Aren't you able to engage with that?

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Your post makes no sense.

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:43

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 18:30

There are people trying to make me feel like nobody will ever want me because I’m a mum. Where in my OP have I said anything remotely like that about the man I’m describing? I haven’t said that no one will ever want him because of his situation, I haven’t said anything horrible about him. I’ve just simply said his lifestyle isn’t compatible with mine. The comments being made to me are completely unwarranted and are just bitchy and mean.

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You said: "For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.
Am I just being a massive snob? "

Why is that context at all relevant? And why are you complaining about people rightly pointing out that there are some people who wouldn't want to date you because of your situation? You can't have it both ways!

Hubblebubble · 21/05/2025 18:57

This is your one precious life OP. You don't have to date anyone. You certainly don't have to date an unemployed man in social housing when you're employed and a homeowner. It's not snobby to want a potential partner to be on an equal economic footing to you.

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:00

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:43

You said: "For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.
Am I just being a massive snob? "

Why is that context at all relevant? And why are you complaining about people rightly pointing out that there are some people who wouldn't want to date you because of your situation? You can't have it both ways!

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The basis of me not continuing things with him is because our lives are incompatible (as I’ve said several times on this thread). I included that info in my OP to highlight our differences. Nothing about me thinking I’m better than him or looking down on him!

How is “many people won’t want to date you because you’re a single mum” in any way relevant to my post? I know there’s people who won’t want to date a single mum. And…? What’s your point?

OP posts:

Lesleyann25 · 21/05/2025 19:01

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 18:43

You said: "For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.
Am I just being a massive snob? "

Why is that context at all relevant? And why are you complaining about people rightly pointing out that there are some people who wouldn't want to date you because of your situation? You can't have it both ways!

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I wouldn’t be judging a guy by a council place. I now live in one due to a break up and the climate never thought I would but we love it. My place is like a New York apartment in a really good area. It’s the not working for 5 years that would bother me, I know myself and if I was going out to work and he was slobbing about I’d resent him.

JenniferBooth · 21/05/2025 19:06

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 21/05/2025 15:17

Really struggling to see the problem here. Very appreciative of the bin men. Doubt I would have much in common with them if I were looking to date. For a start they’re about half my age.

Its possible to appreciate an essential service without wanting to fuck the service person.

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Im not talking about fucking them Im talkiing about treating them with respect by not calling them uneducated.

Spectre8 · 21/05/2025 19:07

Wwll if you are going to judge other people then others will judge you.

You've made awful speculative comments about him thay aren't warranted. You don't know if you will have to financially support him in the future. You don't know if he plans to go bsck to work and just needs a short break for a while. You don't know the extent of his current health but judge him for meeting friends and going to the gym but not work. Yet he is able to finance his life right now. You don't know why he is in a council house either. But you've judged him already and made those comments here.

You don't have to date him and you can choose to decide he isn't right for you but you don't need to go about making those comments and making judgey speculative comments that are demeaning him.