For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

I’m unclear as to your rationale. What’s the connection between clapping for them and thinking they’re uneducated/not wanting to date them? What do those things have to do with each other.

They have jobs, for which they get paid. They aren’t doing it as a favour. They’re often useful jobs, and somebody has to do them, but we’re not required to want to fuck them for their services.

I’m talking to someone who speaks English as a second language so there are lots of grammatical errors 🤣 dearie me

'Are you seriously not aware that medical advice to disabled people is often to exercise as much as possible and socialise as much as possible? Or that a car is sometimes necessary for those unable to walk or stand for long periods?''

But not to work at all?

Plenty of much older people with hip replacements who are visibly limping still work. He's got a slightly dodgy leg - does that stop him getting an office job or being an Uber driver?!

Have seen no evidence that he is unable to work. I've had chemo twice and a stem cell transplant but still managed to get back in to full time work. Not much choice as my mortgage would not be covered by benefits unlike this guy.

Just because she does not want to date somebody does not mean she looks down on them. Not everybody wants to overcome cultural differences (and education / socio-economic status is one such cultural difference.)

Although curious you equate “essential worker” to “uneducated.”

The nurses in my family would be stunned to learn that.

And it’s fine not to want to date somebody low paid and without education. Assortive mating is the norm and if somebody does not want to finance a partner that’s ok!

@ThatCyanCat

Once again, it's astonishing how many people see it as an act of moral betterment when it's a young solvent woman choosing not to date an older, unemployed man. I can't imagine men falling over themselves to moralise other men into dating women they didn't want for any reason.

Men absolutely would never do this. Which is why it’s odd to see women aggressively pushing women into dating men they don’t want.

Getting a bit of a hard time on here OP. I absolutely get it. Everyone wants a relationship that is going to enhance their lives, not make it harder, and as unromantic as it is a long term relationship that involves living together or marriage needs to about more than love. I am a single parent too and wouldn’t date anyone who couldn’t drive, didn’t work or lived with parents, no matter what the reason was. We spend enough time taking care of people and don’t have to compromise on that if we don’t want to.

Even if he got a job he would probably still be living in social housing Plenty of people in social housing do work you know Despite middle class MNers wanting social housing estates to be turned into ghettos and only wanting the most desperate to be housed there.

He does not sound ideal. However there will be men out there that will have better prospects but will not want to embark on a relationship with a young single mother, as they will be able to cultivate their own family. That way of thinking works both ways, and you are not the catch you think you are for many men also.

Didn’t you know - women choosing not to date a man is basically oppression.

If you won’t reward him with access to your body then you are looking down on them.

I don’t think she has suggested otherwise.

i wouldn't either OP - i want a type of lifestyle with holidays / travel / fun activites

I couldn't be dealing with someone who can't afford things, or i have to help financially etc!
it would hold me back

Ive dated people in the past with less income than me who couldn't afford trips and tickets for festivals and stuff and it's not for me!

We have threads every day on here from women asking if they're terrible people for not wanting to date a man. I used to frequent some very male oriented sites and I don't think I ever saw a man asking if he was wrong for not wanting to date a woman. They were far more likely to ask if the woman was in the wrong for thinking he might date her despite being <<insert random trait>>.

Any GPs about? I bet its hard to get disabled patients to do prescribed excersise with attitudes like the ones on this thread

Nobody above the age of 20 should be dating like this.

What silly advice.

That is my issue with this thread too. It comes across as a character assassination of this man.
Does OP want validation? Or is she just wanting people to sneer at this man and make assumptions about his life, work ethic and financial situation

OP: entirely sensible and practical not to want to embark on a serious relationship in which you would be the sole earner, the only provider of assets, when you have a young child to support, to put through Uni, and when you have your pension and old age to save for.

You would either be taking on another adult to support, or be restricted to his income and lack of pension constraints all your life.

Fine if you fall madly in love with a wonderful person and end up doing that by chance but dating gives you the opportunity to make a decision about your life plan.

I thought social housing WAS the golden ticket. The ones going on about "free" housing are always wanging on about it. So which is it

No i fucking didnt I was quoting someone else You should be able to work that out by the way my post is written I was having a go at @KitsyWitsy for saying those things Go back and read things properly

I wouldn’t pursue that relationship, no. If you’re married and one of you has a life changing accident and can no longer work, fair enough but personally I’d be looking for more parity getting off the starting blocks.

Really struggling to see the problem here. Very appreciative of the bin men. Doubt I would have much in common with them if I were looking to date. For a start they’re about half my age.

Its possible to appreciate an essential service without wanting to fuck the service person.

He may have got a big pay out so doesn’t need to work, depending on the nature of the accident.

Run

What you wrote was in the quote.

Yep. You're not obliged to apply the Equality Act with your vagina. It's also better that you don't try and berate yourself into it!

I’m really shocked at some of the comments regarding me being a single mum and posters determined to let me know I’m “not a catch” and there will be “many men” who won’t want to date me. I have already acknowledged there will be men who won’t want to date a single mum - I don’t have a problem with this and fail to see how it’s even relevant to anything I’ve said.

I will say though, in the time that I’ve been dating, I haven’t encountered any men who have had anything negative to say about me being a mum and have had no issues being asked out on dates. So this whole idea that single mums are undesirable or not wanted by many men is absolute BS in my experience. I do not need to lower my standards just because I’m a mum. Really shocked that this is even being suggested on a forum full of women and mums.

I also want to address the posters saying I’ve made “belittling comments” regarding the man my OP is about. In the whole post, I don’t think I have said anything negative about him, I’ve just given the facts - he’s 10 years older than me, doesn’t work and lives in a council house. There’s nothing belittling about that. It is information I received from him. I included it in the OP to give context to the situation to show that our lifestyles are different. I have not once said that I view people in council houses as “less than” or “below me”

Also, when I told him I don’t want to continue things, I didn’t say “it’s because you don’t work”, I said something along the lines of ‘we have different priorities and are at different stages of life’