Page 22 | For not dating an unemployed man?

Butterfly789 · 2025-05-20T21:53:58+00:00

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow! I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well. For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed. Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

AhBiscuits · 21/05/2025 12:42

I wouldn't date someone unemployed and make no apology for it. I only dated men on a similar financial footing. I once didn't go on a second date with someone because he was disabled with a hereditary, life limiting illness. Sounds awful, but I wanted a husband and children. He was likely to be dead within 10 years.

Comedycook · 21/05/2025 12:45

southerngirl10 · 21/05/2025 12:41

It shouldn't be about the fact you're earning and he's not. The most important thing is, 'is there a spark between you'.

If there is, let that blossom and see where that takes you. If you're still concerned after that then have a rethink.

I really really disagree with this. This is the attitude that sees women shacked up with totally awful useless men because "I love him" Being able to step back and look the at larger picture of how compatible you are and what your life would look like with him is incredibly sensible and more women should do it.

PetiteBlondeDuBoulevardBrune · 21/05/2025 12:46

JamieCannister · 21/05/2025 10:19

But if his life was exactly the same, apart from his body was such that there were significant things he could not do, then you might be interested?

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FFS, this is not about his body or him being disabled, why are people tying themselves up in knots trying to pretend they don’t understand that OP - like most women - is looking for a life partner who will make a similar financial contribution to the household than she will.
Or are you saying that because he is disabled, OP must disregard this criteria she has for potential partners?

mcmooberry · 21/05/2025 12:47

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 08:29

I’m not using the fact I’m a mother to talk in an ‘unsavoury fashion’ at all. I haven’t said anything derogatory about the man. All I have essentially said is I became a bit wary about him due to him not working for so long, but seeming to live a very active life with no issues. He drove 4 hours to London the other day to watch a football game - does this sound like someone who is so disabled they can’t work?

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It certainly doesn't and I personally would never be attracted to someone without a strong worth ethic so would not want to even meet them.

EilishMcCandlish · 21/05/2025 12:49

Nightmarketz · 21/05/2025 12:36

And if in 7 years the post is something like

“35 year old woman with 2 kids , one is from a previous relationship and I’ve been with my current partner (m, 45) for 7 years.

He doesn’t work and he doesn’t pull his weight at home either. I had to go back to work after 6 months mat leave.

He keeps promising to go find a job to help support our family” but so far nothing. All he does is go to the gym and socialise. “

Everyone who is saying “aw gee give him a chance” will say silly woman, why did you get yourself in that situation? 🤦🏽‍♀️

Edited

MN - women raise your collective bar.
Also MN - ignore the red flags that you saw for your own relationship needs before even meeting a man because he deserves a chance.

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2025 12:56

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 07:15

It can matter what your personal reason for rejecting someone is, if that reason points to a flaw in yourself. For example, many people would think it's bad to be a snob (many people on this thread don't of course) so rejecting someone for snobbish reasons points to a flaw (snobbery) in your personality that should be addressed.

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It still doesn't matter though.

Even if someone doesn't want to date someone for the most shallow or spurious of reasons, it still doesn't matter.

It's still their choice.

BunnyLake · 21/05/2025 13:00

ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/05/2025 23:06

You can choose not to date anyone for any reason whatsoever. No one is entitled to your time, your attention or your affection.

When I was single, my list of dealbreakers included things like veganism, not reading for fun and wearing jewellery of any kind. There was loads more, but those are the things that immediately spring to mind!

I would hate to date a man who said Haitch. Luckily not one single man I’ve ever dated has.

ThatCyanCat · 21/05/2025 13:04

Even if your reasons for rejecting someone are shallow, that's OK. Some people are and it's better that they find each other. Maybe you will grow as a person and genuinely want something different but you can't date someone you don't like because you think it's an act of self betterment. That's really not much different from a pity date.

Once again, it's astonishing how many people see it as an act of moral betterment when it's a young solvent woman choosing not to date an older, unemployed man. I can't imagine men falling over themselves to moralise other men into dating women they didn't want for any reason.

ItGhoul · 21/05/2025 13:07

I don't think it really matters why he doesn't work. If you think your lifestyles and values are incompatible then you don't have to date him. As you say - it's not like he became unemployed years into an established relationship.

Nobody is obliged to date anyone, ever. It is not unreasonable to turn someone down if you find something about them offputting. Nobody owes a relationship to anyone else. He will, I'm sure, meet someone who doesn't mind him being unemployed, and they will be the right person for him. You are not. It's not as deep as a lot of people are suggesting.

CalicoPusscat · 21/05/2025 13:09

I don't think this is a go @Butterfly789 and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

It really sounds like you want the same life goals as someone and no matter how lovely he is it's still early days when you're evaluating if you're suited to each other.

Could you perhaps become friends instead? If he's up for that? Some people take romantic rejection badly.

BestDIL · 21/05/2025 13:10

When I was dating, I had a little rule. That whomever I dated had to have what I had. Wasn't looking for more, just the same. I had a well paid job, owned my own home and drove a nice car. When I met my DH, he earned exactly the same as me, owned his own home and drove exactly the same car! Spooky! Still together 23 yrs later!

InterIgnis · 21/05/2025 13:14

ThatCyanCat · 21/05/2025 13:04

Even if your reasons for rejecting someone are shallow, that's OK. Some people are and it's better that they find each other. Maybe you will grow as a person and genuinely want something different but you can't date someone you don't like because you think it's an act of self betterment. That's really not much different from a pity date.

Once again, it's astonishing how many people see it as an act of moral betterment when it's a young solvent woman choosing not to date an older, unemployed man. I can't imagine men falling over themselves to moralise other men into dating women they didn't want for any reason.

Indeed. Could make for some sentimental anecdotes when asked about what attracted you to a partner though, I suppose.

”Attracted to him? Oh, not at all! Actually I find him completely fucking repellent, but I wanted to focus on what’s important in life, like virtue signaling on mumsnet and not being considered a snob. How about you, darling?”

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 21/05/2025 13:15

YANBU I would not date an unemployed man. From what you have said, sounds like he could work if he wanted to. You did the right thing breaking off with him.

AthWat · 21/05/2025 13:18

Nightmarketz · 21/05/2025 12:36

And if in 7 years the post is something like

“35 year old woman with 2 kids , one is from a previous relationship and I’ve been with my current partner (m, 45) for 7 years.

He doesn’t work and he doesn’t pull his weight at home either. I had to go back to work after 6 months mat leave.

He keeps promising to go find a job to help support our family” but so far nothing. All he does is go to the gym and socialise. “

Everyone who is saying “aw gee give him a chance” will say silly woman, why did you get yourself in that situation? 🤦🏽‍♀️

Edited

Is it your view that if she meets him once she will inevitably end up marrying him?

(And, before anyone sees the need to say it again, I am not suggesting she meet him if she doesn't want to. It just seems odd to assume that if she does, and he is a waster, she won't notice.)

JenniferBooth · 21/05/2025 13:29

KitsyWitsy · 21/05/2025 01:56

Me neither. Or anyone in a low-paying job. I'm old and I value education so anyone I date has to be educated and in good employment. I am not interested in delivery drivers, for example.

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Bet you were happy to use them to the hilt during the lockdowns though. If there is another one i really hope the essential workers lock down too.

Clapping for them five years ago. Now looking down on them and calling them uneducated.

tartancarpetslippers · 21/05/2025 13:30

AthWat · 21/05/2025 09:48

You don't know what he does. He could be just finishing the greatest novel of the 21st century but yet to send it to publishers.

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Given 97% upwards of books submitted to publishers and agents are never published, he may be disappointed. Perhaps he is a secret maths genius, perhaps he is about to patent the discovery of the century...

Or perhaps he is a man who is just as OP described --- pleasant to chat to, a lovely but unemployed man who spends his time going to the gym and meeting up with friends, playing sports, and attending sporting matches.

tartancarpetslippers · 21/05/2025 13:33

AthWat · 21/05/2025 13:18

Is it your view that if she meets him once she will inevitably end up marrying him?

(And, before anyone sees the need to say it again, I am not suggesting she meet him if she doesn't want to. It just seems odd to assume that if she does, and he is a waster, she won't notice.)

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If he took it badly that she decided not to meet him after all, how well do you think he will take rejection after a date?

She owes him nothing, and he should be glad she hasn't just met him to be polite and wasted his time. She's been upfront.

EilishMcCandlish · 21/05/2025 13:33

JenniferBooth · 21/05/2025 13:29

Bet you were happy to use them to the hilt during the lockdowns though. If there is another one i really hope the essential workers lock down too.

Clapping for them five years ago. Now looking down on them and calling them uneducated.

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What a facile conflation. You can appreciate the job someone does, without it meaning you are obliged to date them or consider them educated.

Fancycheese · 21/05/2025 13:37

Comedycook · 21/05/2025 12:45

I really really disagree with this. This is the attitude that sees women shacked up with totally awful useless men because "I love him" Being able to step back and look the at larger picture of how compatible you are and what your life would look like with him is incredibly sensible and more women should do it.

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I quite agree. Fuck the “spark”. That’s for idiot teenagers. Been there, done that when I was young and stupid. There’s a need for pragmatism when there’s a child involved. And there’s much more to think about as well as the attraction.

tartancarpetslippers · 21/05/2025 13:38

tartancarpetslippers · 21/05/2025 13:30

Given 97% upwards of books submitted to publishers and agents are never published, he may be disappointed. Perhaps he is a secret maths genius, perhaps he is about to patent the discovery of the century...

Or perhaps he is a man who is just as OP described --- pleasant to chat to, a lovely but unemployed man who spends his time going to the gym and meeting up with friends, playing sports, and attending sporting matches.

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Not sure how or why that first paragraph was bolded. It is not a quote, it's my comment!

Rispa42 · 21/05/2025 13:39

I’m in my 40s, not looking to have kids etc, and wouldn’t date a man in this situation. You have nothing to apologise for.

InterIgnis · 21/05/2025 13:41

tartancarpetslippers · 21/05/2025 13:30

Given 97% upwards of books submitted to publishers and agents are never published, he may be disappointed. Perhaps he is a secret maths genius, perhaps he is about to patent the discovery of the century...

Or perhaps he is a man who is just as OP described --- pleasant to chat to, a lovely but unemployed man who spends his time going to the gym and meeting up with friends, playing sports, and attending sporting matches.

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On that note, she’d statistically be more likely to run into a serial killer than someone about to patent the discovery of the century.

It’s curious how only positive potential outcomes are being imagined when encouraging someone to consider ‘what might be’ as a factor in whether or not to date someone.

Be reasonable and give him a chance because you really don’t know.

Be reasonable and don’t give him a chance because you really don’t know.

Spectre8 · 21/05/2025 13:41

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 21/05/2025 10:49

I can't speak for this man in particular, but it's illuminating how many people on here are making comments in general that make it clear they automatically view disabled people as lower status, undesirable, having lower 'values', believing they can 'do better than 'that kind of person'' etc.

I'm not convinced that it's even conscious for many people: they just take their own privileges for granted and assume that anybody without the same privileges is lazy and a loser, and not as worthy a person as they are.

As PP said, every day is scary for disabled people who do actually have some agency and aren't what the ableist people view as 'too disabled to be any use at all'. We know that our whole lives consist of people who are judging us all the time, assuming that we're lazy deadbeats and have dubious ethics if we show even a glimmer of enjoyment or short burst of energy on a good day in our lives.

Back to this case specifically, I don't actually see how people are reaching the conclusion that he sees OP as a meal ticket who will make his life financially wonderful for him.

OP is still only 28 and already has one child, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to think that she may still want more children. How would this man initially know that, even if she is currently earning well, she wouldn't be hoping to have several children, become a SAHM and be scoping out him to support them all?!

100% this. It's not thay OP must date it etc. It's how she is presenting it. It comes across awful like the comment about living ina council house...so? Lots of people who do have jobs live in them they are not lesser than someone who owns their own home. Lots of people don't have high income jobs and can't afford to buy either.

It's also the assumption she will have to financially support him without knowing his true financial position. There's just no need to make those type of comments it comes across as sneering down at a person.

My friend had an injury at work, hurt his head and now suffers headaches from pressed nerves, its always there It's taken him years to find a way to manage his daily pain so he doesn't have a job since it happened but did get a very substantial payout for a lifelong injury which means he can focus on trying to get better or deal with his new situation without worrying a out needing a greet a job. Although to be frank it's going to be hard for him to work with his head pain as he needs to rest alot. Op would judge him as a lover I'm sure because how can he still have a life but not work. 🙄

So it's the belittling comments OP makes abojt the guy and his situation without knowing full facts thats really distasteful

Mrsbloggz · 21/05/2025 13:45

southerngirl10 · 21/05/2025 12:41

It shouldn't be about the fact you're earning and he's not. The most important thing is, 'is there a spark between you'.

If there is, let that blossom and see where that takes you. If you're still concerned after that then have a rethink.

The man in question has a huge incentive to provide as much spark as is needed to win her over. All he needs to do is get his feet under the table, get her locked down so that it's difficult for her to separate herself from him.
He's already on a gravy train but if he can get on this gravy train life will be much better, the size of the prize will motivate him to make the effort needed.

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 13:57

Mrsbloggz · 21/05/2025 13:45

The man in question has a huge incentive to provide as much spark as is needed to win her over. All he needs to do is get his feet under the table, get her locked down so that it's difficult for her to separate herself from him.
He's already on a gravy train but if he can get on this gravy train life will be much better, the size of the prize will motivate him to make the effort needed.

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None are so sparky as he who senses a potential meal ticket…