For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

@Pavedaspen you'd be an absolute fool to get into a serious relationship and not consider finances.

YANBU OP.

Gosh, I'm trapped by your clever plan!

Oh no, wait, neither apply. Happy now?

Your best chance of happiness is probably with someone from a broadly similar background to yourself. Are your levels of education similar? Religious beliefs, or non religious beliefs? Expectation of roles in the home, of yourself and partner and children? Attitudes to money and financial support also really matters in a committed relationship.Age differences can also be an area of concern.
If you have doubts right at the very start, then look elsewhere.

Mmhmm

That’s different

theres a lot on mumsnet who still consider the man’s role to be a provider and one who isn’t able to fulfill that (even if it’s due to disability) is therefore worthless.

I don’t think he’s had a massive pay out because he mentioned a few times that he has plans to go back to work “eventually”
Working for a living will be his absolute last resort, he hopes that he will instead be lucky enough to ensnare a 'nurse with a purse'.

Run for the hills. He sounds like a lazy benefits fraud. People like this are why so many genuine PIP claimants get denied.

Floating so far above your head isn't it? You poor thing!

Oh please. Try reading my post again. And THINK.

What a stupid comment.

If a man with a good job came on here expressing reservations about dating a long term unemployed woman he had been chatting to online, I’d say that’s reasonable too.

As myself and other women have said upthread we have been unemployed before and prioritised finding a new job rather than spending our time dating.

Men can and do date who they like!

I would agree that while unemployment in a woman may deter a man less than the other way around, men often place more weight on things like looks/appearance than women .

And that’s fine too even if IMO it’s more superficial than considering their finances.

Also it doesn’t seem that OP is looking for a provider for herself and her kid, she just wants someone who works to provide for themselves. Not such a high bar.

YANBU, sorry but I'd run for the hills. Council housing - great! Lovely gardens, reasonable rent.

Pissing about while not working - massive NOPE from me. That's no life plan for a young man.

You are absolutely correct for wanting someone on the same financial footing as you.

I think resentment would set in if you paying everything op if thats what I read in your post. I agree with you

Expecting someone to provide FOR HIMSELF is not unreasonable.

'he goes swimming, goes to the gym, is always out with friends and is always out and about in his car. He just doesn’t present as someone who is unable to have a job to me'

Agree - when is the last time this work dodger even applied for a job!

How tragic

After a handful of dates you don’t need to give someone a reason why you don’t want to pursue a relationship with them. But I agree with you, I wouldn’t want to get into a relationship with this man, you’ll end up financially supporting him.

One has been through horrific tragedy, yes. One has a great career and is on top up benefits as a disabled single parent; the other has a long-term disability, but is able between bouts of ilness to work at a charity she set up and is involved in politics. I don't think all disabled people, less financially well off people or parents see their situations as tragic. Nor is the purpose of education to increase personal wealth. The more educated people I know tend to be more giving and to devote their lives to causes or to faith.

Going to the gym is not proof that a person is able bodied. A lot of disabled people use the gym for physio. Also, a lot of disabled people are able to keep fit, we wouldn’t have the paralympics if not. The point is rather that someone whose disability does not prevent them from keeping fit is probably also able to work.

Are you seriously not aware that medical advice to disabled people is often to exercise as much as possible and socialise as much as possible? Or that a car is sometimes necessary for those unable to walk or stand for long periods?

You're not suited so best not to go on date. It's ok to be a 'snob' when dating as we're best suited to people of similar social groupings.

And if in 7 years the post is something like

“35 year old woman with 2 kids , one is from a previous relationship and I’ve been with my current partner (m, 45) for 7 years.

He doesn’t work and he doesn’t pull his weight at home either. I had to go back to work after 6 months mat leave.

He keeps promising to go find a job to help support our family” but so far nothing. All he does is go to the gym and socialise. “

Everyone who is saying “aw gee give him a chance” will say silly woman, why did you get yourself in that situation? 🤦🏽‍♀️

He’s too old for you.
My DH is only 8.5yrs older than me, things r not great once past retirement age.

It shouldn't be about the fact you're earning and he's not. The most important thing is, 'is there a spark between you'.

If there is, let that blossom and see where that takes you. If you're still concerned after that then have a rethink.