For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

When it comes to dating, sex and relationships, you don't have to be fair...you can say no to anyone for absolutely any reason or absolutely no reason. There's no need to justify it.

He didn’t tell you what he did honestly, he tried to hide it. That reason alone is enough not to date him.

I would never date an unemployed man. Infact, post university I refused to let my long term boyfriend of 4 years move in with me unless he got a job.

YANBU OP

You can be as discriminatory as you like when it comes to choosing a partner. You don't owe anyone a relationship. End of.

Yes, given that she liked everything about him bar the fact that he hasn't worked for while due to injury. Which she has no idea of the specifics of.

That, to me, is not good sense. Although it's her right, of course, and she can't be blamed for it. There's nothing more I can say.

They did not say that. They said it’s reasonable for people to reject people they are not attracted to.

I also don’t get the relevance of immutable traits to lifestyle choices.

It doesn't matter if OP can or can't "do better". She doesn't want to date this guy and the only reasons people are giving her to do it are that she somehow owes it to him ("learn more about him") or she should take any man even if she doesn't like him.

Ask yourself why so many people on here are attempting to scare or moralise a solvent young woman into dating a man ten years older in a poor financial situation and who isn't gracious about rejection.

Why are you making things up?

Where does she say “she likes everything about him?”

She does not know him - He’s a stranger!

Your position is absolutely incoherent and is just incel sloganeering.

Incidentally it’s never unreasonable to reject somebody for one trait. I reject men for having young children and I don’t care what other amazing qualities they have. I also date long term unemployed men and would immediately reject anybody on learning that. It’s never unreasonable to decline to date somebody for a factor that will impact your dating life.

And this man was clearly trying to hide the fact he was long term unemployed. If there was a good reason he would have been honest and upfront.

It also might is likely to benefit her if she doesn’t. If we’re hypothesizing about unknown futures based on what ‘might be’ - maybe if she doesn’t reject this guy outright she’ll miss an opportunity to meet a man that is a far better fit for her.

Disagreeing with you does not mean we don’t understand what you’re saying.

It’s a word that starts with an M and ends in a Y.

Why conflate "Learn more about him" and "owes it to him" , which are not remotely the same thing?

What makes me think people don't understand what I am saying is not that they agree with me, but that they keep on saying I am claiming she should have dated him, or I am trying to "pressurise her into doing it". I've said all along she owes him nothing and should do whatever she wants, but I can say this and at the same think it wasn't a reasonable decision based on the information she gave us. She asked the question. I answered.

All of this derailing about race is ridiculous.

One’s race isn’t a choice.

Being a five-year unemployed 35-year-old who’s oddly well enough to exercise and travel to football matches is.

Because if you think she "should" learn more about him then you do think it is a moral obligation, even if you're forced to concede that she may, in fact, refuse a man a date.

I don't think she "should" do anything, she is an adult in control of her life.

I might think she would be better advised to do something. It has nothing, either way, to do with morality. I'm not sure why you think morality even comes into it.

The premise of the original question is flawed! There is no reasonable or unreasonable about why we do or don't want to date someone. It is personal preference and we can say no to a date for any reason whatsoever. It is AIBU to ask is it AIBU to not want to date someone because they are black, white, disabled, rich, poor, Greek, Indian, Jewish, Atheist, vegetarian. It doesn't matter what the reason, it is down to the individual to decide on whatever basis they so please who they will or will not go on a a date with and if they don't want to, for whatever reason they so choose, then that reason is reason enough.

You do realize that sex isn't a choice either, but women are perfectly entitled to exclude all men or all women from their dating pool?

Are you willfully obtuse, or is it an accidental affliction?

I'm starting to think it's wilful. It's all about getting women to date men when they don't want to, one way or another.

Not sure what reply you want to that? Your insults don't really bother me, I'm afraid. Carry on though if it makes you feel better.

Except it isn't, at all.

I think everyone can choose to exclude anyone from their dating pool, without justifying themselves.

But the factor raised about this guy is his apparent lack of interest in earning a living.

Ah well, that settles it.

No, the points I've made will make that clear to anyone who reads them without prejudice. But if you feel your stating an unsupported conclusion trumps me denying it, again, that's your prerogative.

I mean, I gave two options to choose from, so feel free to go for whichever one applies.