For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

It’s ok I see the bit you were referencing but I cannot edit my post.

OP is still only 28 and already has one child, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to think that she may still want more children. How would this man initially know that, even if she is currently earning well, she wouldn't be hoping to have several children, become a SAHM and be scoping out him to support them all?!

Maybe she is, and he doesn't meet her criteria. That doesn't matter though. She is the one (not even) dating him who has decided he can't meet her minimum requirements.

If a man chose not to date a woman (who is an amputee, for example) and chatted to his friends about it, I suspect they would all support his choice. But for women, somehow we're supposed to "be kind" and date someone we aren't really interested in?

I mean I really think you need to examine what you are saying there.

I certainly have preferences which means certain types of body shapes or facial features which are associated with other races are things I don't find attractive... but equally there are people from all corners of the world and of all colours who I do find attractive.

I certainly don't advocate only same-race dating, and opposites attract is a phrase for a reason... but I do think people massively overlook cultural differences and the potential for those to cause problems in the mid to long term.

My partner and I met in London, and have different ethnic backgrounds, but I am certain part of the reason we work together is because we were brought up in the same town, at the same time, in fairly similar families with fairly similar attitudes.

Exactly.

To be fair this could be an issue. He has not got a home to sell if they wanted to move in together. He would be insnae to give up his council house to move in with her unless he is certain they will be together for life. It could be a big impediment in future.

"I do think people massively overlook cultural differences and the potential for those to cause problems in the mid to long term."

I totally agree with this. It's not just about the person you marry either, it's often about their family's expectations. Cultural attitudes/expectations can also cause great difficulties once you have children too.

I don't think this is true. Most men who are employed in decent jobs wouldn't look twice at an unemployed woman. Like tends to go with like.

"By this notion every woman who declines to give a perfect stranger her number, simply because he asks her on the street is “unreasonable”."

No, because in this case you have someone whom she claims she likes, has been talking to for a few weeks (I may attach more to that that it carries in today's world) and yet has decided to reject on the basis of an improperly understood perception of his financial situation that she could clarify further without any great cost.

As I said already if he's just one of many people she's been chatting to for a few weeks and likes, it's different.

And for the millionth time she owes him nothing - it can be unreasonable because it doesn't lead to ideal outcomes for you.

We are talking specifically within a dating context - If someone is explicitly racist then I do not think it even vaguely resembles good sense for them to date someone they’re actively prejudiced towards.

If an individual doesn’t want to date someone from a different race because they’re not attracted to people of that race, and/or only wants to date those from a similar cultural background, then again it is nonsensical for them to date people that don’t meet that criteria.

I think the earlier comment: "Cock lodger in training", nails it!

She changed her mind, and neither wants nor needs to clarify further.

Perfectly reasonable.

The question is is it reasonable for them to make the judgement that they don't want to go, not is it reasonable for them not to go.

If someone said this to you would you say "That's a good call, you're such a racist it would never have worked" or would you say "Obviously don't go out with him now, but you need to work on being such a racist".

Most people date with the view to a relationship progressing to something permanent.

Can you see yourself being the breadwinner and supporting this man for the next 10 20 years?

It’s the same thing. You expressly said that declining to go on a date with somebody based on one factor, without wanting to find out more about them is unreasonable.

By that notion every woman who ever rejects a man she does not know well is unreasonable. Your position that it only becomes unreasonable if she has some conversations with him over a period of a few weeks is absolutely incoherent.

It is not ever unreasonable to reject somebody for any reason. And even using your, rather bizarre logic, what OP has learned makes a decision not to proceed further entirely reasonable.

No, she doesn't need to clarify further, but it might benefit her if she did. It's that simple.

I'm not saying she's done anything wrong, or that she should feel bad about. It's nothing to do with him at all. I don't think many people are really getting it.

There is no benefit to her to find out why this man has low ambition and low drive to work.

In fact it’s absolutely a detriment to her to waste anymore of either of rheir time and risk becoming emotionally invested at which point it becomes harder to extricate herself.

What's incoherent about saying if you know a lot of things you like about someone and find one you don't, it might make sense to find out a bit more and see what happens?
And why can't you see the difference between that position and knowing nothing at all?

The OP is young and has a good job and her own home. What skeleton could she possibly have in her cupboard that means she couldn't do better than a long term unemployed, non home owning man a decade older than her? If (for argument's sake) he were somehow the most eligible man she could attract, she would be better off staying single.

It’s incoherent because you are inconsistent in when it’s unreasonable to reject a stranger and when it’s not unreasonable.

If this man had reached out to OP and she rejected him outright without wanting to learn more about him, according to you that would not be unreasonable.

Because OP has had a few conversations with this man her decision to reject him without learning more about him now becomes unreasonable.

That position is incoherent.

(And she does not know “many things she likes about this man” - the issue you don’t know how OLD works. He is essentially a stranger she has had a few conversations with. Only marginally above a strange man you meet on the street. And if her dealbreaker is no unemployed men, it’s not unreasonable for her to hold that boundary she has.)

That’s unfair to OP.

I think many people would have made the same decision that she did once she had all relevant information.

This man’s lifestyle was incompatible with hers. Nothing “snooty” about that.

I feel this getting a bit off topic re. Race stuff but I will say that I don’t mind people not dating inter-racially. Whether that’s for prejudiced reasons or whatever.

I had to cut off a racist friend who dated men of a certain race and allow racist things to be said by her family including slurs in front of her mixed race kids. And she said some less explicitly racist things herself. She’d have been more reasonable in not dating them based on her bigotry .

Personally, I largely date within my race and/or with people who I feel culturally linked to.

Not even necessarily those who share family traditions or the exactly same cultural background as me, as I feel quite international in how I’ve moved around as an adult - but those who will “get” my current cultural references and appreciate the kind of food I eat etc.

That said I’ve dated a lovely white English man and a lovely Scottish Pakistani man before :) and I’m neither white nor Pakistani, but I think both understood me culturally and i am familiar with both of their cultural backgrounds.

Yes, yes it is. Both are reasonable.

At most I would shrug. I don’t consider someone telling me they’ve declined to date an individual, for whatever reason, to be an opportunity to offer opinions on what they need to ‘work on’.

OK, that's nice for you. You think it's reasonable (good sense) for people not to want to date people of different races purely on the basis of race. Enough said, I think.