For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

I agree with that... other people whose opinion is irrelevant can consider those standards unreasonable.

But to be honest, the only time I would criticise them is if the had a standard which was based on something that was factually incorrect like "I am bisexual, and I am only open to dating men because women are statistically more likely to commit violent or sexual crimes against me".

I don't think you are a snob. I wouldn't date a man who wasn't solvent - done far too much of that in the past and never would again. But the main thing for me here is that he wasn't upfront with you from the start about his situation, and that would put me off tbh. It's quite a big thing to hold back on in an entire year of chatting! Talking for a year without meeting is a long time! Is that normal?!

So its not just that he doesn't have a job, its also because he lives in a council house?

Yes, because it’s not good sense to date someone you don’t want to date, aren’t attracted to, and at worst are prejudiced towards.

Once again, ‘I just don’t fucking want to’ is a good reason.

Mouth-breathing would be a deal-breaker for me too.

The wealthiest men I know have never gone out of their way to advertise it when dating because they specifically wanted to avoid the kind of woman who'd be impressed by it. Same goes for the wealthiest women I know.

Neither DP nor I count as especially wealthy but neither of us disclosed our full financial situations when we first met. I'm really not sure why you would.

I'm aware that plenty of men do think splashing the cash is a surefire way to get a girlfriend but every last one of them is a dickhead in my opinion (as are their girlfriends).

Anyway the usual applies to OP - you're entitled to date or not date anyone for whatever reason you want but this tiresome "am I reasonable for this?" bit is so old. She wants to be reassured she's still a good person even though she's turning someone down for being disabled. It really doesn't matter.

I think it’s fine for you to not want to date him because he’s unemployed but I think mentioning he lives in council housing makes you sound like a snob.

I agree with you that OP isn’t being a snob and he wasn’t upfront, but they’ve been talking for weeks not a year

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job

This. Lots of men wont date women who are same age as them or a size 14. Neither of which have any impact on lifestyle.

Someone who is so disabled in their 30s that they can’t hold down any job must have quite serious disabilities, which will adversely affect their lifestyle.

Preferences for physical attributes are obviously different because they are governed by sexual attraction, and it would be unreasonable to expect anyone to date someone they're not attracted to

You’re not a heartless cow at all OP ..
This man is not for you .. I know he’s nice & all that but you will end up supporting him ..
Being disabled doesn’t mean he can’t work at all .I’m presuming he’s not in a wheelchair & has the use of his hands & feet ..
Finacially it’s nice to be with someone where it’s 50/50 or close to that , you know what I mean .
You wouldn’t be long getting sick of someone around doing nothing all day ..
Also , he may never have worked & is just saying he hasn’t worked in 5 years , especially when you met him on line 🤷🏻‍♀️.. You just don’t know …

Exactly and men rarely tell each other to give the girl they find “fat” and/or “ugly” a chance.

So why are women beating each other up over things like this ?

And in this case it doesn't even appear she’s turning him down for being disabled.

She’s turning him down for not working long term and for at the age 38 still not seemingly have a plan of action for getting back into work while declaring he wants to go back.

Based on his lifestyle and what he’s shared it’s not unreasonable to conclude that at this point it may not be disability alone keeping him unemployed.

Nearly 500 messages discussing whether a woman should put her own desires and her children's needs ahead of an unemployed man she hasn't met.

FML

I don’t get unemployed men trying to date. I always feel like they don’t have their priorities straight. They should be prioritising finding work instead of prioritising getting access to vgina.*

This.

Disclaimer, I am both married to a man with a long term disability and grew up in a council flat. If I was dating I would screen out men with disabilities, men who didn't own their own home and men who weren't on a serious income (by which I mean in the 6 figure p/a range).

It’s important in my opinion to have similar social economic backgrounds as your partner. It doesn’t make you a snob!

I think I'd feel especially anxious re. dating someone with no/limited financial means if I were a single parent. I'd worry that I may end up supporting three people on one salary further down the line.

In the past, I've stopped dating when in between jobs and feeling low (I think some people have a radar for those who are vulnerable). Also, I'd want to be in a relationship for the right reason.

However, I was made redundant recently and have decided to date. Having put things off until 'the right moment', it feels as though my life has been put on hold at times.

Also OP “giving him a chance” is dangerous as you risk becoming emotionally invested with a bum.

Nearly 500 messages discussing whether a woman should put her own desires and her children's needs ahead of an unemployed man she hasn't met.

I agree it’s absurd @FKAT

Are you American by any chance? I’m asking because vast majority of men here in UK don’t earn 6 figure salary so you’d exclude so many, but it’s a criteria quite a few American women seem to have as the salaries are higher over there. I’ve dated two American men and both were 6 figure earners .

This man is unemployed though?

I can't speak for this man in particular, but it's illuminating how many people on here are making comments in general that make it clear they automatically view disabled people as lower status, undesirable, having lower 'values', believing they can 'do better than 'that kind of person'' etc.

I'm not convinced that it's even conscious for many people: they just take their own privileges for granted and assume that anybody without the same privileges is lazy and a loser, and not as worthy a person as they are.

As PP said, every day is scary for disabled people who do actually have some agency and aren't what the ableist people view as 'too disabled to be any use at all'. We know that our whole lives consist of people who are judging us all the time, assuming that we're lazy deadbeats and have dubious ethics if we show even a glimmer of enjoyment or short burst of energy on a good day in our lives.

Back to this case specifically, I don't actually see how people are reaching the conclusion that he sees OP as a meal ticket who will make his life financially wonderful for him.

OP is still only 28 and already has one child, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to think that she may still want more children. How would this man initially know that, even if she is currently earning well, she wouldn't be hoping to have several children, become a SAHM and be scoping out him to support them all?!

Did you mean to quote me? If so I’m not sure what you’re referring too@JHound

Would be totally put off by his lack of a job, you have absolutely done the right thing.

@Butterfly789 I'm a single mum of a small child and also have a good job and generally in a good position financially. I'd also definitely not go out of my way to date someone who doesn't work and live off benefits or someone who's a low earner. You've got to be selfish when dating because at the end of the day, men are aren't they? A lot of women who don't work, do everything round the house, is he going to do that? You've got enough caring & financial responsibilities without taking this man on too.

I understand people do end up in situations where they need to depend on benefits but it just doesn't impress me. I know people with life-limiting illnesses and they receive some government support, but still work because they want to and they're ambitious. The illnesses they have sound a lot worse than what you're describing (one of my friends actually died of their illness), although you're right we don't know the details of his condition, but I suspect he's not telling you the whole story because it doesn't look great on him. Also I totally accept many people have disabilities which mean they can't work all together, but for many others, personally I'm just not impressed by people who aren't grafters.

There's someone else for them, it's not me, it doesn't have to be you either. Don't feel any pressure or feel bad.

Women are always fighting the good fight on behalf of men. It’s so weird.

I constantly see women lambasting other women for not being willing to give a man a chance or criticising her preferences.

In almost 5 decades of life I have yet to see men doing this to each other.

No I'm from the UK (grew up in a council flat innit).
I am now middle aged and live in a niceish part of London - 6 figure income would be normal in the pool I would be (theoretically) fishing in. Obviously if they were a Booker Prize winning novelist but only pulling down £50k advances I would be flexible.

Spot on.

It’s very weird indeed - a complete joke!