For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

Agree. I haven't done it either, but a good friend has, and I really don't think it's a kindness to someone you're not interested in to just waste their time further.

How many times do I have to say no, she owes him nothing.

I'm not going to repeat myself over and over again because people can't be bothered to read replies that I have already made.

Windy he may not mention a huge payout, he'd give other strong hints as to not being skint, if he's trying to impress a woman. If he just leaves it as unemployed, then he does sound skint, which he must know would put many women off.

And yes, it could be a psycho social disability, which I can understand him not disclosing, but in it's own right be enough of a red flag.

I think @Butterfly789 is getting an unfairly hard time here. If she posted saying she was taking on a cock lodger with no income and no plans to get an income with a small child at home she would be blasted for being naive and irresponsible. Plus if he talks about getting a job "eventually" that would be a huge turnoff for me. I like ambitious, driven people and he doesn't sound like that at all. He sounds like he's sort of drifting through life which isn't attractive to me. So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable op. Same as incompatibility for any other reason, lifestyle choices are always a valid reason

But it's you who says OP is conceptualising her dating that way. Everything she says shows that she's thinking about compatibility and life outlook, not what rung she's on. If you can't understand that some people don't date according to "hierarchy" then you're really not in a position to give relationship advice.

You're basically making stuff up to try to make OP insecure enough to date a man she doesn't want to date. Like several others on the thread. Why would anyone do that...?

I will be honest - and people may flame me for this.

I don’t get unemployed men trying to date. I always feel like they don’t have their priorities straight. They should be prioritising finding work instead of prioritising getting access to v*gina.

There are so many jobs out there and he cannot find anything that he can do? I would never date a long term unemployed man either.

(I also don’t care that he had an accident - there are so many different types of jobs out there, what kind of accident means you cannot do any of them?? My brother had illness years ago the treatment for which left him disabled and unable to do his previous job. He retrained and now does something he can manage with his disability.)

@AthWat even if the OP had been chatting exclusively to a man she had never met for two months on a daily basis and she decides that actually she doesn't want to go on a real life date, that is entirely 100% ok. That approach would never have worked for me, as if I had any remote interest, I liked to get in a quick cup of coffee very early on to see if there would be any real life chemistry BUT it is always ok to say no to a date. ALWAYS!

Are you just going to repeat this continually without ever referencing which of my posts you are actually replying to? I've addressed whether it was "ok" multiple times.

He's living on benefits, I presume, when it sounds like he doesn't need to. He sounds, at least physically, capable of some sort of work. That would rule him out, for me.

Why not? There is nothing wrong with not wanting to date somebody with a disability.

Everyone is entitled to whatever "standards" they want.

"No tattoos, biological parents still alive and married and happy, six figure job, likely large inheritance coming in future."

"Pulse and muscles and not violent."

Or anything in between.

I don’t think OP is trying to date those women.

Everybody is conceptualising dating that way, consciously or subconsciously. Nobody sets out to date saying 'I want an unemployed looser, preferably a drug addict, with mental health problems and a lot of debt'.

Never said she should date him - on the contrary, I wrote 'of course you should not date him'.

Your argument is flawed or you misread me.

If you don’t want to date someone because of their race then of course it’s good sense not to! For both of you.

It’s not reasonable to think people should feel obliged to be open to dating anyone, for whatever reason, when you don’t want to.

But if his life was exactly the same, apart from his body was such that there were significant things he could not do, then you might be interested?

But some of those standards can be unreasonable, yes? Not guided by good sense?
They can still have them, and apply them, such is their right. But other people can consider them unreasonable.

As you asked, you specifically say here that your comments are based on OP having been chatting for a few weeks. I am reiterating that they could have been chatting for a few months and it is still ok not to go on a date. No one should feel obligated to go on a date with anyone - ever!

This! I had one unemployed man approach me on match dot com years ago and once he told me that (a few messages in) I basically ended the conversation with - all the best with finding work.

Sorry but I wouldn’t have approached him if I’d been unemployed.

I’ve been unemployed in the past and I was applying for jobs from 9 to 5pm as if it were a job in itself, when I wasn’t doing that I was making connections on LinkedIn or catching up with old friends. I didn’t have time nor energy to be looking for a partner.

If I were in his position I’d focus on getting back into work rather than dating and telling women he’s hoping to get back into work.

Is it good sense to make that judgement? Or do you think someone making that judgement could be educated to realise it's bigoted? Do you think that such a person should be told their judgement of people by race is unreasonable - not made to date them, before anyone starts shouting about that again - but told they are being unreasonable and racist in judging people purely by race?

I see you are just going to continually repeat that despite me having addressed it over and over again. I won't be replying to any more of these posts saying the same thing.

Good luck to him if that's the case, but even if the novel gets published, he's still likely to need a day job or benefits.

Same. I had to quit a job in the past with nothing lined up.

My 100% focus during that time was finding a new one. I started dating again once I had signed the contract for my new role.

Lol, make up your mind! Either you want me to reply with references or you don't 😂

He also wants upfront about it. For me that would be a big issue. I don’t think you’re in the wrong OP, the wrong man can drag you down. I’ve seen it happen to too many of my friends. I am a heartless cow tho, I once got the ick because a man breathed too loud.

There is nothing unreasonable about choosing not to date somebody where there is a huge financial imbalance, who she will have to financially support and who has a fairly low drive to want to work again (he has been unemployed for five YEARS, not five weeks / months).

Those are entirely reasonable and valid reasons to reject somebody without knowing anything else.

His priority should be sorting out his professional life, not dating.

Also - stating people are “unreasonable” for choosing not to go on a date with somebody comes from a really disgusting position of sexual entitlement.

It is never “unreasonable” to decline a date. By this notion every woman who declines to give a perfect stranger her number, simply because he asks her on the street is “unreasonable”.

I did not expect to see that kind of argument outside of incels.co