For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

If the accident is fairly mild, then going back to a suitable job, should be an aim, the sort the government wants back into work.
Its not a life limiting illness, like lots have, wise to be cautious.
You could have progressed things, and stated clearly your thoughts on the job situation, and made things clear to him.
I totally understand the disability bit tho

Yeah it is what dating is but if you think being unemployed is a no factor just don’t go on the date, you process it before the date or call the date off in my opinion. You can date who you want and you don’t need a valid reason to never see them again, but even if that was my reason I wouldn’t be telling him that was it. Just seems a bit harsh to me. That’s why my opinion is more based on when the information was given before the date or during/after the first date

When i was last single, I had my own home, a decent job, and I scrub-up ok. I wanted someone similar. Nothing wrong with that.

It’s possible to be in a relationship with someone without them being financially dependent on you.

Yes, I think OP knows this and that's the kind of relationship she wants. A guy with no income is far more likely to become a financial dependent and it's not as if he became ill after they were in an established relationship. And the rest of your post is just further explanation of precisely why she should indeed seek a financial equal and he's not it.

It's interesting how people can understand the importance of financial equality but think it doesn't apply to a young solvent woman who was asked out by a man ten years older with no income. Take what you will from that, OP.

No, avoiding saying those things explicitly is just tact.

One obvious way is as mentioned before, a payout for the injury. He could have grown up in the council house. They wouldn't take it off him if he was already living there.
Your theory is obviously a fairly likely explanation, but that's not sufficient to make it an assumption.

I work full time and I think I would struggle to live or be in a meaningful relationship with someone who had a lot more leisure time than me no think it would just lead to resentment.

i also like to go on holiday once or twice a year, have days out, go out for dinner etc and I would struggle to form a relationship with someone i couldn’t have shared experiences with. No idea if this is the case with OP and her date but the scenario she has described would have me questioning these things.

It is to do with him being disabled because that's the reason why he doesn't work. Presumably he does get money from his benefits and from the compensation he received from the accident?

At this stage of online dating, he'd be wanting to paint himself in a positive light.

• If writing a novel, he would have said that.
• If he'd had a big payout and was doesn't need to work, he'd have said that. Something like 'I'm fortunate that I've been able to take some time out after my injury to heal, and do some travelling.
• if he was studying/volunteering/training to get into a new sector, he'd have said that

-if his issue is that no one will give him a job, then he could be volunteering, or start his own business, even if it doesn't make much.

There's a big difference between:

'I had an accident 5 years ago, and it meant I couldn't work. I got some compensation which allowed me time to heal, and I'm now trying to find a new job doing something else, but until I do, I'm helping out at the animal shelter, and am taking the time to write a book that I've always wanted to write '

And

'I had an accident 5 years ago and I'm not able to work any more'.

But the question is "am i being unreasonable", not "is this acceptable"? The answers to those two questions are very different.

@AthWat how do you think people decide who they should or shouldn't meet when they internet date, if it isn't about making judgements on limited evidence?

Even ’I just don’t fucking want to’ is good reason. It’s never unreasonable to choose not to date someone.

The OP may feel she can draw those conclusions, we can't as we have no visibility of the conversation or of what type of person he is.
We can only go on what we have been told.

Yes it is. It's allowed, but not necessarily reasonable.

Is it reasonable (guided by good sense) to not date someone on the basis of their race? Or is that a decision people have a right to make but which is based on poor reasoning and judgement?

I don't know, never done it. I'm considering this as a situation where it's already progressed a lot further than just swiping left or right.

I'd be quite interested to know how he's financing his current lifestyle, going out but no job, you said he's living in council housing which would lead me to believe that he is living off universal credit which would bring alot of financial problems further down the line if you ever did decide to live together as he would then most likely loose all his benefits as you earn to much, so you would then have to support him and you're child financially. But I agree with you, men decide not to date you because your have a child allready and that's they're choice, so you are entitled not to date a man who has no job and is clearly capable of working but chooses not to.

OP - go with your gut.

You know this man isn't right for you and you've acted. You don't need the comments of randoms on here.

If you'd continued to see him, you'd have ended up paying for everything and resentment would set in pretty quickly. Also, remember that some men (and women, I'm sure) never take kindly to being dumped and if he didn't take it well, he was showing his true colours. And generally in Mumsnetland we say 'when someone shows you who they are - believe them'.

You’re defo not BU. It doesn’t sound like he’s suitable for your lifestyle. You need to think of yourself and your child for the future.

I personally wouldn’t get with someone who wasn’t earning as I love my holidays and I want to be able to travel with someone without having to pay for them too!

Hats off to you for nipping it in the bud. He can move on and find someone else now too. Life is too short

I can only assume people saying Op is wasting a potential opportunity are not familiar with online dating.

As a woman you encounter lots of men and a big part of the challenge is about deciding which ones you’re going to spend time getting to know.

Most women reject most men who “like” them , they don’t continue conversations with the majority of their matches and nor do they go on every date they’re invited to.

One thing to consider is it can also be hard letting a man down as they see it, if you don’t want a second date. So unless you’re looking for a one night stand or something it’s wise to avoid meeting them at all, if you know that it’s almost probable that you won’t want to take things further with them.

This man will probably feel worse if you meet him in person and then reject him on the basis of information you already had before the date.

It’s kinder and better all round to say no at this stage. There’s no good reason to continue this based on the information she already has.

I brought up hierarchy? Life, nature, history, culture, London underground, pharmacy, school, uni, baker's and butcher's, NHS and birds in the tree outside your house - all is about hierarchy! Everything is organised hierarchically, this is the nature of things. I brought up hierarchy, my arse. Aye.

No, I don't think he would say if he was sitting on a pot of money from whatever source (payout, inheritance, whatever). As I said earlier, if my DH died I'd get a huge life insurance payout and I know I would never tell anyone about it. I don't want someone who sees anything but me, sees me as a good prospect because I'm moneyed (I just want them to want me for me) or thinks he'd have any part of the money. I'd want to protect that money for my children. No-one would need to know about it.

It's possible he also has a psychosocial disability he's not yet disclosing, but that's not the sort of thing I'd share with someone I haven't even met either.

His lifestyle doesn't suggest he's too skint.

Ah the fact you’re never done online dating explains some of your responses.

Please see my post above but in short online dating can be very time consuming. You don’t want your time wasted and you don’t want to waste people’s time other. Well at least I didn’t.

So are you saying that because the OP had had some online conversations with a total stranger, she somehow owed him a date @AthWat ?

Exactly. I’d have been dating every other night if I adopted that approach when single.

I mean this is fair. I've been married since before internet dating was a thing - before the internet was much of a thing really. My comments are based on the idea that if they have been "chatting for a few weeks", there is some sort of relationship already there and she values what she has seen. If she's just been messaging him a couple of times a day along with loads of others and he's just one more fish in the pool with nothing special about him, it's different.