For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

Exactly. We’re all entitled to have preferences.

But in some cases most reasonable people may find those preferences unreasonable.

Also, we can feel someone doesn’t match our preferences without feeling or appearing superior. For example, it’s reasonable to want to be in a relationship with a financial equal. But it’s unreasonable to tell them ‘You don’t have enough money for me’, ‘I have much more money than you’ or ‘I’m worried you’ll expect me to finance you’. That’s when judgement and superiority can creep in.

No you’re not BU. This is a smart decision.

And to be fair someone might not want to date you because you already had a kid and they’d see them as an extra mouth to feed if things got serious which is equally fair. As well as all the other challenges dating people with kids can present.

I typically didn’t date men with kids for this and other reasons. When I was dating I met single /divorced fathers who were keen to know if I earned much /as much as them, despite the fact if we lived together a chunk of our household money would be diverted out the household (and rightly so) to their kids.

Anyway I digress, point is we are allowed to make reasonable judgements and do the best we can for us and our loved ones before we enter into any kind of relationships - especially serious ones which may result in joining finances/households.

I wouldn’t date him either. It’s not being snobby or judgemental to want to be with someone on equal terms.

It's not coercion at all, don't be silly. She's asked for an opinion, mine is that for her own sake, she would be more sensible to find out a bit more about him in these circumstances. She can always call a halt later. In all cases, not only on the subject of who one dates and who one doesn't, I err on the side of as long as there's no cost to it, find out as much as you can before dismissing something. I find calling a halt to things before you have as many of the available facts as you can to be unreasonable, viz, not guided by good reasoning.

Your opinion differs. That's fine. I think you're wrong. You think I am wrong.

Oh please. A man who was a single parent with his own house would be unlikely to get involved a woman who was 10 years older and who didn’t work. He would be reasonable to swerve as is OP.

So true. Some people don’t work because they have enough money to live on for the rest of their lives. You’d be a fool to disclose if you have millions in the bank. Helps sift out the people who make assumptions and value you for wealth rather than personality, behaviour and values.

Right dating is a lot of effort for some people. I imagine especially so if you have a young child at home like Op.

When I was single I couldn’t be arsed spending time dating men I already have significant reservations about. I saved my time and energy for those I saw potential in.

it’s unreasonable to tell them ‘You don’t have enough money for me’, ‘I have much more money than you’ or ‘I’m worried you’ll expect me to finance you’

How is any of that any different to wanting a "financial equal"? OP isn't looking to be kept, she just doesn't want a financial dependent.

God no!!

You are young, have a good job, own a house and have a young child.

You don't need someone weighing you down.

If he can't work, what else can't he do? He is either disabled enough that he physically can't work, and then he will be your responsibility. Or, he could work, but doesn't want to, in which he will be your responsibility.

He would lose all of his UC if he moved in with you, then you would be stuck with him if anything happened.

You don't know what he does. He could be just finishing the greatest novel of the 21st century but yet to send it to publishers.

@Pavedaspen That would be why pp said 'educated AND in good employment'

Professional working adults aren't some kind of golden unicorn; there are plenty about

You don't know that he claims any benefits at all.

Of course yanbu

your choices in who and who not to date are up to you

There is absolutely nothing wrong in looking at a potential partner and thinking what do they bring to this relationship. For many being a nice person is not enough and why should it be

I would feel the same op, plenty of women are happy to take on an unequal relationship which is also fine

@Nightmarketz I would say you are also "allowed" to make entirely unreasonable judgements about why you don't want to date a complete stranger too!

I think we can make any decision we like about this and shouldn't have to justify it to anyone. We owe strangers off the internet absolutely nothing.

That doesn't mean we have to be rude or disrespectful but no one has to date anyone they don't want to and it doesn't matter why they don't want to, all that matters is that they don't want to.

In these situations "No" is a complete sentence and doesn't require justification.

Not a chance. I couldn’t even imagine dating a non-professional man, never mind one who is long-term unemployed. You can do better.

This is a risk I think OP can afford to take.

I wouldn't date him OP, you are too far apart in terms of lifestyle, no matter how lovely he is.

You don't know what he does. He could be just finishing the greatest novel of the 21st century but yet to send it to publishers.

lol…He better get a move on then…

seriously though, Op doesn’t need to imagine all these potential (and very unlikely scenarios) - she’s allowed to go on what she knows about him. His person is out there and so is hers. No harm no foul.

How would you expect a man with no job to be able to pay rent and bills and live, if it wasn't for benefits?

He wouldn't have been given a council house as a single man with thousands in savings, therefore, I think we can assume, he is supported by the tax payer.

Just for context, I’m disabled but I still work a professional job and freelance on the side. Not working is a choice and it’s not one I could support, I want a partner who is equal to me and that means in ambition, finance and education. I wouldn’t be able to date him either OP

Ok so she could spend more time learning about this guy.

Or she could conclude he’s unlikely he’s a good fit, and move on and instead spend her time on finding someone else (and avoid wasting the time of the original guy).

You call that unreasonable, but I would say she’s using her judgement and avoiding wasting her time AND his time.

Because there’s assumption and judgement.

It’s possible to be in a relationship with someone without them being financially dependent on you.

But a financial equal is reasonable because that can affect lifestyle. For example, if you have enough money to travel frequently, and you enjoy doing so, then you wouldn’t be able to travel with them unless you paid (as they may not be able to afford it). In some couples, that’d be fine, as the person with more money would travel alone or with friends, the same as if they were single, with maybe one holiday a year with their partner, which they both equally paid for. But in other cases, it’d cause resentment or they’d prefer to travel frequently with a partner.

This is fair, not much else needs said. You have a dependent already that you have to prioritise.

That’s true! You don’t owe anyone a date.

I’m sure many men don’t want to date me (or any other women) for reasons that may be unreasonable to me and that’s allowed.

People reject others on the basis of all kinds of things all the time.

Of course she can. It's entirely up to her.

Doesn't mean I can't consider it unreasonable because she could eliminate that risk by finding out more.

"Unreasonable" doesn't mean "bad". This is a case where I believe it's potentially a problem for her own sake As I have said already many times, it's not about owing him anything. It's about her potentially missing opportunities due to making judgements on limited evidence. That's unreasonable behaviour to me.