For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

I would judge you more for continuing a conversation with him.
What on earth has he to offer your child and you?

That you doubt yourself at all is worrying.
You sound vulnerable that you would even consider bringing someone like that into your life.

I mean the thnig is, clearly, it's obviously the OP's decision.

What's unreasonable - although quite within her rights to do - is that she barely knows the guy at all at this point. She's not being asked to marry him. Just meet up once, for a start, and find out more about him.

However, she's not prepared to do that because the one piece of information she has - that he doesn't work at the moment due to injury - trumps everything else she could possibly learn about him. This is unreasonable and also quite within her rights.

Hi OP. At your age, I was making very poor decisions about dating and deeper involvements. I'm afraid it took me 3 lengthy relationships with unemployed people, all of whom had the capacity to work and support themselves, before I finally got the memo about assortative matching, (in my mid 30's, with a child, I'm ashamed to say) and got together with a wonderful man who shared my level of education, career progression, income, aspiration, as well as being fun, clever, kind, considerate and truly excellent in the sack. Over twenty years on we're very happy, and we would not have had the expansive lives we've enjoyed without each other.

It's absolutely fine to be on the same page as prospective partners. Yes, you can get all sorts of interesting insights from people who live very different lives from your own; but for the practical day to day stuff (which is how most of us live our lives) someone who has similar ambitions and pressures to those you experience will be the better bet.

Don't doubt your instincts and boundaries. I could have saved myself a lot of grief, fatigue and treading water, personally and professionally, if I'd taken this particular lesson to heart earlier!

Maybe he got a 20 million pound payout from the company he worked for and could offer them that.
Is the fact that someone isn't working due to injury, with no other knowledge of their circumstances except that, sufficient for you to dismiss them entirely as worthless?

She doesn't have to meet up with him! She doesn't owe him a date!

Not wanting to date someone doesn't mean you think they're worthless, it means you don't want to date them!

Wow OP, is this what dating is like now for young women? Sounds bloody awful.

However, she's not prepared to do that because the one piece of information she has - that he doesn't work at the moment due to injury - trumps everything else she could possibly learn about him.

At the moment? For the last five years.

Of course she doesn't. She doesn't owe him anything.

It's still unreasonable to decide not to learn more about someone because of something like this, as there are many factors that could render it trivial.

Unreasonable is defined as "not guided by or based on good sense." Something can be unreasonable and also perfectly acceptable.

If I decide not to go to the shop today because I'm afraid I might be run over by a runaway horse, that's unreasonable, but acceptable.

No it isn't. It's not about her decision, it's about the continued tidbits she keeps dropping about what people shouldn't be able to do to keep up appearances whilst not working. Exercise, seeing friends, going to a football match. None of these things necessarily mean he is well enough to work at the minute. Nobody knows what his capabilities or plans are. She certainly doesn't.

I imagine the dating pool was pretty small and shallow if you had all these 'mustn't haves.' No kids and no exes is a big ask once people are over 30. (Unless you're talking about when you were younger/first looking for a partner...) Up to you though. I guess we are all entitled to our opinions.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who couldn't drive (whether it was by choice or necessity,) or if he smoked, and any weed smokers, I wouldn't entertain for a split second. Also I wouldn't want any gym bunnies, or anyone obsessed with any sport. And I definitely wouldn't date a man with no job/a man who didn't work. (Again, whether it was by choice, or out of necessity.)

I would do the same thing you’ve done. Sensible decision.

Oh, please.

Being unappealing to a complete stranger as a dating prospect doesn’t mean he is “worthless.”

She’s not obliged to pity-date anyone. Women are allowed to have standards.

The person I replied to said "what has he got to offer your child and you", therefore making a judgement that he is worthless. I was replying to them, not the OP.
The OP can do what they like.

Please read the post I replied to.

He's had 5 years to train at something that he can do with a physical disability. He has chosen not to. That says something about him and his plans for the future.

It's still unreasonable to decide not to learn more about someone because of something like this,

Of course it bloody isn't. If I spent my life learning more about every bloody stranger I spoke to I'd never do anything else. She's allowed to refuse to date him. If it turns out that he's actually a incredible catch and she's a loser who'll never get a chance to date a man that fabulous ever again, then so be it; it's a risk we all have to take every time we decide we don't find someone compatible.

Oh, please. I worked with a man who had both feet amputated below the knee, in his 50s, AND had kidney failure. He was a newspaper reporter who would routinely have to leave the office (using a cane and prosthetic feet) to conduct interviews. He never complained.

So yeah, in my book, some gadabout in his 30s with the energy to exercise and attend matches could also find something productive to do. I couldn’t respect anyone who milked an “injury” for years on end.

Yes, she's allowed to. How often do I have to say that?

She's allowed to, but I don't think her choice not to is being guided by good reasons. Therefore, unreasonable.

I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

thats the crux of it

Exactly.
Where is his hustle and ambition?

If he’s able enough to be out & about so much, he’s able enough to work at something. Or volunteer. To add something to the world.

Bit daft to come out with that when not only has OP not said where she thinks she ranks, but you don't even know what she looks like.

She is not being unreasonable for declining to go on a date with a man she's never met.

You are being unreasonable for thinking she isn't really in the right for declining for any reason at all, or that she owes this total stranger any time for any reason. It's just a form of coercion. "You don't HAVE to but you're unreasonable not to..."

I think it is wise not to commit yourself to being the sole earner for whatever reason.

Of course YANBU. This is OLD, you don't owe anyone anything and the slightest hint of something not being quite right (particularly the disconnect between him not working due to an accident but seeming to live a very full and active life) and I'd be off tbh. It's not the time or place to be try and "be kind". I'd encourage everyone doing OLD to be seriously picky. It's so easy for men to pull the wool over your eyes about aspects of their life when you don't have any friends etc in common so very little context for that person.

What he has shown isn't for you so you're right to walk away and particularly because you have a child to think of.

👉" HE DIDNT TAKE IT WELL"👈

There you go.

"Mmmmmmmm, ten years younger than me, ✔️own home, ✔️own income, ✔️used to looking after a dependent ✔️... I'm in!

All I have to do is perform nicely on a few dates and bingo I can move in, go on enjoying my lifestyle, not have to get a job, be looked after, especially when I'm older - the perfect nurse with a purse! 👏👏👏

Wait - what? Huh? What do you mean ... NO?! You're not supposed to know that word!"

Rule of Misogyny number 2: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.