For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

Just curious, what was his job previously? Someone unwilling to work is very different to someone unable to work. I'd be put off of dating someone who appeared to choose to live on benefits/ not work for 5 years.

If you are looking for a long term partner you want someone with similar goals and ambitions. Even if he had a huge payout and didn't actually need to work, the fact he was taking up a subsidised housing space if he could support himself would be a big enough difference in values/ ambition to make me think twice.

Exact this. I couldn’t be with an aimless, unproductive, unambitious person.

Since we are being transactional here, saying that somebody is unemployed and 10 years older is no marriage material, it would be good to remember that somebody so young and already with baggage (probably out of wedlock) is also hardly top of the dating tree.

If you can see a major incompatibility in anything before even meeting someone, it doesn't matter what it is, you can choose to go no further.

The number of people on this thread suggesting that she should date someone she doesn't want to, because he is disabled is really very depressing and comes across as pity dating, which is pretty grim. Never date anyone because you feel sorry for them, which is what it is coming across as. Oh poor man, he's disabled, he deserves love, how dare you reject him. What happened to the MN mantra of being allowed to end a relationship at any time for any reason if it isn't working for you? OP recognised it wasn't going to work for her, she ended it before it had even got started. Her reason does not matter.

He's happy to date her 🤷‍♀️ If he thought she wasn't right for him for any reason then that would be fine too.

@Etaerio Reading the room is a skill too. Your brilliance would be put to better use elsewhere.

Is he claiming benefits?

Of course he is - she is young and solvent.

Except that young women with children, good jobs and their own homes are getting chosen all the time, for all kinds of reasons. It really is no reason to date unsuitably.

Your not been unreasonable, or a snob, or looking for someone to support you. You are looking for someone who's lifestyle aligns with yours.

You are looking out for your daughter, so many women put relationships before their kids. You sound like a great Mum, trust your instincts

That's so bigoted, it's almost funny. You do realise that many people who are highly educated are in low-paying jobs, including delivery driving, cafe and bar work, care work?
I have 3 friends with Oxbridge degrees who are on benefits.

So, high up enough on the totem pole, then 🤷‍♀️

Transactional??

Can you explain what you mean by that?

Guy sounds like a work-shy loser.

I agree.

this isn’t about temporarily being between jobs either… 5 years is a long time. And a serious, longterm partnership would have financial implications that would affect OP‘s child!

Like a transaction - what assets/how much money do you have? (c) Stefi Graf. As in assets and liabilities. That is all I meant. And yes, the guy is a liability, no question.

Absolutely! No question! Only not as high as she herself thinks.

That is a horrible comment to the OP. She has already said that it's not the disability that is the issue, more the fact that she has a child and they are her priority financially and all other ways.
Also, if he is out at the gym, with friends etc. then she has probably lost a bit of respect for him too if he is able to work.
I currently am on the dating scene and I don't want to get into a relationship with someone unemployed. For me, I just about have the time and money to look after me and my sons and couldn't afford to look after anyone else - does that make me a bad person too?

NOOOOOOOO!!

Learn from my bitter experience (at 19 mind, when I didn't know any better). No, no, no, no.

Also, I think we all know this in our heads, but not always in our hearts, so it's worth restating - just because a man is "nice" (or pays for a meal out or does whatever), does not mean you owe him anything, beyond being polite.

It’s the mis-use of the reflexive pronoun that is a deal-breaker for me.

The judgement of the OP is insane. She's not backing out of the wedding the day before - she's just decided not to meet up in person for a date with the unemployed gym-going man.

OP, of course YANBU. You can exclude anyone at all from your dating pool for any reason at all.

Another one, jeez. I suppose a thread about dating a man without money will bring them out. On the off chance that you're prepared to listen, remember you brought up this hierarchy idea, not her. She hasn't said anything to suggest that she thinks she's an amazing prize; that's your invention. She has simply said that this man would not be compatible with what she wants and needs, she's got reason to think he may not be being honest about his situation and she has her child to think of. To turn this into "bitch thinks she's top of the totem pole but she ain't all that" is entirely your projection.

If she really is completely deluded about her worth (she isn't, but let's pretend she is) and aiming for the impossible, she'll simply stay single.

I think more equal relationships work better. You are possibly in different places ambition wise. For example if you love to travel will he manage financially or will his disability affect that. Some people with disabilities work part time is that something he could manage? I think the type of housing he lives in is irrelevant. I would possibly have met with him to gauge a better picture of what his future looks like.

It’s also relevant. It’s a very good thing he has stable secure housing like this. But it does make that potential future step of living with a partner much more complicated for both of them. If he moves into her place, then they break up, he will have difficulty finding secure housing. If she moves into his place, and they break up, she will definitely lose her home and have to find somewhere else to live. It puts more pressure on the relationship than renting a first house/apartment together does.

Completely fine. I am not working at the moment due to illness (cancer). But realistically I know it has to be temporary (I hope it is, unless I die!). But 5 years down the road, I recognise that I’d need to get my bum in gear and work, because I want a better lifestyle than benefits could provide.

Obviously, not everyone has that option, but I think if he’s well enough to be staring at a screen doing dating apps and going out on dates, he’s well enough to be doing some work assuming no childcare constraints. That doesn’t mean he can find work, but in his 30s, there’s a lot of years ahead and I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who was planning for a lifetime of not being an economic equal with me.