For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

If a man had written this it would attract a very different response. Double standards as always

Another one who misses the point completely. Try reading my post again. In context. And think! Thinking's SO important!

Sorry to hear that, Dave. Maybe your mum just wants you to clear up a bit and then she'll sort the leak out for you.

I'd still say the same, people can date/not date for whatever reason. Plenty of men wouldn't date op for already having a child from another man. Which is also valid no one is obliged to date anyone

A man is very unlikely to have written this because men tend to date and not date whoever they want without worrying whether it makes them bad people.

Imagine what it would be like to understand what you read on Mumsnet. It would be BRILLIANT wouldn't it?

Yeah, I wouldn't date a man who doesn't want to work and is happy to drift along presumably being propped up financially from elsewhere. And it would be irresponsible to bring that into your child's life.

Unemployed as in: was made redundant 4 months ago and is actively looking for new work...proceed with caution.

Unemployed as in: stopped working 5 years ago at 33 because his leg hurt but not enough to stop him doing anything else, with no active plans to work despite only being 38: no way Jose. Aside from anything else, the lack of work ethic and/or ambition would be a total turn off!

I say and/or because work ethic alone would be one thing...not everyone has to be ambitious to progress etc and that's A-OK; but to support themselves where they can, and contribute something to life in general should be the absolute bare minimum.

I mean he has his own home from the council rent really cheap if he moved in with op then they split up that would be a bigger risk to him. So unlikely to be cocklodging.

But op can date whoever or not date whoever for whatever reason though

I’m not using the fact I’m a mother to talk in an ‘unsavoury fashion’ at all. I haven’t said anything derogatory about the man. All I have essentially said is I became a bit wary about him due to him not working for so long, but seeming to live a very active life with no issues. He drove 4 hours to London the other day to watch a football game - does this sound like someone who is so disabled they can’t work?

You've never even met the guy, OP... you don't owe him anything at all. The fact that he got shitty when you called it off is pretty telling and tbh, although I had some age gap relationships when I was younger, I think a man looking at women a decade younger really does need to be offering something special. Not necessarily money, but perhaps worldliness or maturity, and it doesn't sound like he has any of this. Do you think he's online asking people if it was OK to date a woman ten years younger with a good salary and if he was being shallow?

You don't have only yourself to think about here, there's your child too. You're young with a lot to offer; wait for someone on the same page and with the same outlook.

Yes but this isn't the point. She can make that decision, that is absolutely fine. Nobody needs to date anyone.

Its the continued speculation about him needing to support her (based on what? He has his own accommodation at least), his injury being less serious than he suggests and questioning his work ethic.

All She knows is that he's man, he's worked and is now off work some time after an industrial accident. She doesn't know the full nature of this. She doesn't know him, only his dating 'face' which may be positive and quite light touch. He could have neurological issues, anything. She doesn't know about his finances other than that he's in a council house. Adaptation? She doesn't know.

None of this means she should date him. Fine to want someone solvent. But I think she needs a look at why she's continuing making these assumptions about someone based on these grains of knowledge. 'currently unemployed... Injury... Gym' and strung together something judgement based that's beyond the scope of making a decision about their date based on what she does know. She wants continuing validation at the expense of someone else who's had an injury? Pretty unedifying.

You don’t have to date him. You don’t know if he is disabled or if he is just unemployed, having not returned after an accident at work.
you are right to be wary. People normally get slated for allowing a cocklodger in, you are getting this for be wary of one. You can’t win on MN.

@Butterfly789 The majority of people on this thread think YANBU. Yet, instead of engaging with that, you seem intent on desperately trying to justify yourself to the minority who think YABU.

Why do you think that is?

Why does she need to look at any of that? The only decision she needs to make is whether or not she wants to date him and she doesn't. So with that decision made, why does she have to give it any further headspace?

I completely understand where your coming from @Butterfly789 ❤️
if he can do all the sports and gym stuff he can be financially dependent but he obviously choosing to stay where he is in social housing probably living off basic benefits !
if u took him in he wud move in and not work nd yes u would then be supporting him and no thats not fair on you or your daughter I’d say throw this one back x

He’s still a nice stranger at the moment, so move on quickly. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or justification.

I think you are being derogatory. Why couldn't someone with an injury do activities? He isn't necessarily doing it every day. Perhaps he is exhausted afterwards but wants to show dates that he's got a fun busy life. Not saying this is the case.

Point is you don't know.

Don't get me wrong, I get where you're coming from I'm not wanting an added complicated in your dating life. I really do. But you need to move on rather than picking this guy apart and speculating about him. It's not a good look. If you don't want to date someone it's fine. But it's your decision. Stop looking to get it validated by questioning whether his health issues are genuine based on a few snippets of his life. It's really, really unhelpful for disabled people (whatever his circs).

From the lifestyle you’ve described him having, I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole.
Keep your standards high, OP.

Who cares if it's being a snob OP, you need to have your and your child's best interests in mind and this man would bring nothing to your table! Cut ties now before you get emotionally attached. You also need to think of what kind of role model you want for your child. Honestly I'm very sceptical of these people who had an accident years ago and can no longer work, i think there are very few of them who are genuine and lots of them who use it as a reason not to work

She is the one speculating about him. Suggesting he isn't genuinely unable to work because he is out doing other activities and was able to work previously. She has made the decision and needs to drop it. Not keep on about whether she thinks he is a claiming falsely to be unable to work (when she has no idea). This kind of rhetoric is damaging and she doesn't know the facts.

I think the first comment nailed it
Cocklodger in training
You don't need two dependants at your age when you have a high flying career to nurture aswell
Don't feel guilty

I think this boils down to shared values @Butterfly789 . It doesn't sound like your values align and that is just fine. Thank goodness, you are free to choose who you date and who you don't, so it doesn't matter one jot what your reasons are, you have decided he is not right for you and that is exactly what you should be doing. You are a free and independent person and you could decide not to date him because he had a freckle on his left ear that you didn't like. As it is, you have made a judgement that the two of you will not share the same values and approach to life, which in my view is a very sensible reason for not dating someone.

But isn't this what dating is? Gathering information to see if you are compatible?

He opened up to her, as he should - then she processes the information to see whether it fits what she wants or not. He'd be an absolute dick to hide such crucial information until she's fallen for him. And she'd be an absolute dick to be having 2nd and 3rd dates with someone who for her, is an unsuitable candidate.

Sounds like he picks and chooses what he can and cannot do. He could work, hopefully the new government policies sort him out and get him back to work.