For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

There was the thread recently about a woman who didn’t t work. her husband bankrolled her and she spent her days painting, doing yoga and getting facial treatment. A lot of MN though it was an idea life.

I’m surprised we’re not all behind this man getting the same opportunity 🤷‍♀️

Your life, your choice but don't prolong the man's suffering any longer as i think by posting on here you already know it's not right for you.

It is totally fine not to date someone if you don’t feel they are right for any reason. I have a male friend, he doesn’t work bevause of a past situation he’d like to date me but I am not interested. He can’t drive so I occasionally pick him. He is good company but I could not be driving someone around paying for things. He is generous and when he has money will get me a few drinks etc but dating him no way and i do not feel bad for that why should I. My money is for me and my child.

I’m with you OP. I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who was unemployed for so long. If he is able to go to the gym, swimming, play sport etc then he’s able to work. He’s clearly choosing not to.
How does he survive?

How on earth do you know the OP can do better? You don't know either of them.

Don’t do it. There seems to be a theory that single mums should choose any scraps thrown at them. One of the reasons I choose to remain single.

I also secretly raise an eyebrow at men who are late thirties and haven’t been in a long, committed relationship or started a family yet (thats if they want one). If you were to go on to have a child with him, you would be supporting the two dc and himself.

I wouldn’t have been blunt with him though. A gentle ‘it’s not working out but I wish you all the best’ would have sufficed.

It's the early stages of a relationship, of course it's fine to break up for whatever reason you want. You're evidently not compatible, and I never think it's very fair to the other person to try and push through something about them that you find particularly unattractive.

Also, someone who doesn't take a break up in the early stages well is a bit of a concern.

No I have always worked no matter what so I find it hard to respect dossiers and if you can go to the gym he is a dossier. Even if someone was financially ok but didn’t do anything I’d be put off it’s not about the money really but the lifestyle

So who is actually supporting him during his extended career break? If 'being in pain every now and then' prevented a person from working, there wouldn't be more than a handful of people in the entire workforce.

It’s not about disability this man goes to the gym etc he is able bodied obviously so perfectly capable of getting a job.

OP isn't going to date you, Dave.

I think its fine not to date him as we can date who tf we want. I don't like the comments in the thread calling him a cock lodger etc. Taking the OP at face value, he's disabled and can't work. Have some empathy, how would you feel if your son or brother was in that position?

OP, you do realise most if not all councils and NHS trusts run 'active recovery' schemes to help people recover after illness/ serious injury. Also it is highly recommended to to exercise after injury. He may have given up work at least for now due to other symptoms from the accident.

Not saying this applied to this man. Certainly not saying you should date him. Your decision is absolutely fine.

However. Denigrating him because he exercises regularly and jumping to the conclusion that he is a lead swinger is shitty. He may be. He may not be. Why is it your concern and why are you now making such speculations? You've ended the conversation.

Of course you don't know his full history. That would be deeply inappropriate. You haven't even met. Stop using the excuse that you're a MUVVA to talk like in a rather unsavoury fashion about people who may he not be able to work for whatever reason. You've made your decision. Move on. You've no need to make these assumptions. You don't know the full picture. People don't tend to blurt out their troubles the second you match. You've absolutely no need to think this man was trying to rip you off.

You'd have no idea whether he received any compensation. He probably did in an industrial accident. Why would he have told you?

What kind of validation are you looking for? It's starting to look a bit ugly.

No not a snob.
I'm also a single parent with a good job and my own house.
Last year I was dating someone for 6mnths who had a council fact due to having his daughter full time. That didn't bother me at all or the fact he was on a NMW in his job because he could pay his way and afford his life tyle (very cheap rent).
What did trigger me to leave the relationship was when he walked out of his job for reasons I believe his line manager tried hard to resolve and he wouldn't engage in.
December was long due to his finances but by the time he got to January he had £20 a month to live on and I was covering weekends. I didn't want that and wanted it even less when he thought he could come on a work trip and stay in my work hotel, presumably he was expecting me to pay for his meals too.
What I also noticed was that when he stopped work our relationship completely changed, he was getting up later in the day so we texted less and when we did speak his main conversation was about what he was going to cook for dinner or where is was going to ride his bike that day.

You owe a man you’ve exchanged a few messages with absolutely nothing.

there is no way I’d date an unemployed man - whether they had a “massive payout” or not, because whilst financial equality is important they just wouldn’t be matching my energy: I work; run businesses; volunteer; chair a board. I get shit done. Someone who wafts around and whose day is over after a visit to the gym wouldn’t be for me.

?

Only read the first post, which is not like me.

This. Totally.
Plus, they must favour the Oxford comma.

I don’t think you’re in the wrong for not wanting to date a man that isn’t financially independent or secure. Circumstances as to why aren’t relevant, it doesn’t change reality as much of a nice man as he is. The fact he lives in a council house means that if later down the line you both wanted to move in together he would be classed as making himself intentionally homeless from his property and wouldn’t be able to get another HA property were you to split. You also wouldn’t be able to move in to his because you already have a house so that wouldn’t be allowed either. So there are potential negatives in this relationship for him if things were to go wrong.

Living together is obviously not something that you will be considering at this stage but it’s always best to be forward thinking and consider every possible eventuality before committing to someone or else you may reach a sticking point down the line. (IMHO) You don’t want to potentially waste time on any man who can’t afford you the same level of financial security as you can them or doing more than your fair share of house duties. Some people may say that’s an awful mindset but then again, it’s not their lives to navigate. I understand people lose jobs etc. but this isn’t the same because work experience, skills and not having gaps in your employment play a significant role in your employability.

I may be wrong and I’m happy to be corrected but from my understanding under the new PIP rules that are due to be rolled out anyone who can feed, wash and dress themselves are unlikely to be able to continue claiming. It sounds very punitive so depending on his level of disability you may find yourself in a situation where he is forced to look for work where you are then picking up the slack financially because you’re a high earner, he’s unemployed and won’t be able to receive any benefits. This is of course complete speculation but worth considering.

You don’t want to be one of these women who are stuck with a “cock-lodger” type man disability or no disability. I think people on here are being purposefully virtue-signalling and obtuse to the potential risks because it’s easy to bleat “be kind” when it doesn’t remotely affect their lives at all. Of course you won’t be “discriminating” against him by not being with him because he can’t work due to his disability. You’re looking for a potential partner not an employee. If you don’t believe you’re compatible for whatever reason then you have your answer. You don’t have to settle for any man that you don’t feel the ticks the right boxes for you regardless of the “be kind brigade”. There are plenty of men out there who are employable, have no issues dating a single mother who will pull their weight. There are plenty of men on this earth that are useless but you seem like you have a sensible head on your shoulders which will serve you well. As an aside, having a child has never been a factor for either myself or anyone I know when it came to dating so this “slim pickings” rhetoric is absolute nonsense.

Sounds like you already know the answer. You don’t need mumsnet blessing.

you’ll find an equal partner eventually.

Hard no. Lone parent, own house and a very good career. I would not be walking into a relationship with such inequity.

Oh gosh no, run. It’s not just now, it’s 10 years down the line. Is he going to have picked himself up and have a thrilling attitude to living a fulfilling life?

oh and if he is, who will have helped do the picking up?
imo. You’re not being a snob at all, you’re being sensible.

Can you see it - up in the sky? It's MILES away isn't it?

Why is that a problem though? It’s a secure, affordable home.

In terms of finances, it depends if you’re looking for someone to contribute to your costs and wealth or because you find him attractive and good company.

You can date whoever you want and not date whoever you want for whatever reason. So no not unreasonable