To make my daughter do ballet

[Hairyragemachine]

When I was 5, my mum enrolled me in ballet classes. I went to about six, then decided I didn't want to do it, so my mum took me out of them.

I now have a 5 year old, who has just done her grade 1 ballet exam. However she now says she doesn't want to do it any more. There doesn't seem to be an underlying reason per se, I think she just finds it a drag to give up an hour of saturday morning. This week we had tears and a tantrum and eventually I gave up forcing it, as she had a bad night and very busy week.

But should I allow her to just quit all together? Given it's so good for balance, confidence (she is a performer!), friendships (she has lots there) and discipline, posture... should I make her go for a bit longer?

I wish my mum had not allowed me to just give up - or come to think of it to give up piano, violin, french, guides, tap dancing - lots of hobbies which I wish I was good at now and had stuck at. I needed her to be my self discipline until I was old enough to be my own.

Or - is it mean to force a 5 year old to ballet (she also does tap and modern) when she doesn't want to go? What if she is missing out on a career as an international prima ballerina? Let me know what you think please!

I feel like you may have missed the nuance in my original post there. So far as I know she's not planning a future as a trapeze artist, so it's not just about the balance. It's good for lots of physical attributes as well as confidence and self esteem. My point was more that I don't think 5 year olds make very well rounded choices and their likes/dislikes are more about what they think at the moment you ask them.

For instance on the day I gave her the choice, her main motivation was, I think, that if she skipped ballet she might have more time to watch Gabby's Dollhouse on her ipad...

Let it go. As far as kids activities go - ballet classes for 5 years old are either not hugely ballet based (more fun and focused on moving and controlling their bodies), or are quite boring and too structured. Loads of other activities she could try if you want to focus on balance and posture etc. You said she already does gymnastics...

I get what you're saying but then I don't much like running and have to drag myself out from under the table (mentally you understand), but it's good for me and I'm retrospectively delighted. If I just applied the 'life is shit enough' theory, I'd stay on the sofa watching true crime documentaries all day.

She comes out happy enough and said she really enjoyed performing for her exam (sorry everyone, it was not grade 1, it was a pre-primary stage. Not 100% sure what it was called but an examiner came, they did 'the fairy dance' and she ended up with a certificate 6 weeks later. Lots of hair spray and new dance socks).

Really appreciate everyone's feedback. I think I'll do as suggested and finish the term and see what she wants to do then.

Yes! I'm now trying to learn the piano (which is much harder as an adult with a full time job than when I literally had nothing else to do but practice all day and enjoy paid for lessons!). Wish I had stuck at it. Ditto French, which I am clumsily teaching myself now.

I do take your point that they will find a way, I just think the instinct and judgement of a 5 year old is not fully developed yet. Still as you say, she can take it up in the future if she wants to.

Honestly, I sat in on one the other week and it was all freestyle prancing with brightly coloured headscarves. There was a distinct lack of formation - I'd like to see the poor teacher try!

Remove the tech or use it as reward. Otherwise you’ll end up with an antisocial ‘gamer’ who has no interest in anything other than what ever shitty game is the flavour of the month. Yes my view is extreme but I’ve seen good kids fall into this hole.

I think you should let them find what they love to do, mine are a bit older but have tried various things, my daughter has settled with a gardening club and my son has been doing crochet for 3 terms! Hobbies are supposed to be fun, kids have so many years ahead of them of doing stuff that they don't want to do and that isn't fun I don't want to add to that.

That’s definitely what it’s like in pre primary. Much less so once they start working through the grades. My daughter also did her pre primary exam at 5. But then if it’s a RAD syllabus it will get much more focussed and she’ll likely enjoy it even less.

I think you were being tongue in cheek about the ‘prima ballerina’ comment but just in case - people can’t reach that level unless they’re desperate for it. My daughter always was and now, at 12, we are learning that it still isn’t enough. The people who become prima ballerinas are noticeably gifted and focussed and it is an entire lifestyle from quite a young age. It’s a handful in an entire year group so I wouldn’t worry about missing that opportunity. Not sure if I’m explaining it right but ballet in particular is a very specific thing requiring very specific training from childhood. That’s not to say she can’t explore other dance styles and might be a professional dancer one day - but professional ballet is in its own category.

Let her try something else, there’s so many activities for children, if this isn’t her passion, you need to give her the chance to find the thing that is.

You wish you were good at tap dancing now? Why didn't you just start doing it again as an adult? Why not learn it now. When you are actually choosing to do it and will put in the work.
It's a waste of time forcing kids to do hobbies especially something like ballet which is very disciplined. It's taking a place from a kid who actually wants to do it.

Part of the deal of letting kids try hobbies is that they need to be allowed to say "actually, this is not fun, I want to try something else".

If parents didn’t push their children to do things there would be no ballerinas, violinists, concert pianists, top athletes, Olympians…

My daughter loves dance but hates ballet. It is boring. She quit at 5 then started cheer dance six months later. Much more fun at that age. Maybe just try a different style. Then she realised she had a talent for dance and loved the competition part of it. At age 9 she dances four nights a week. All sorts of styles but she still hates ballet. She does a ballet tap and modern class but they rotate the styles so at least she is t doing it all the time.

I disagree about the pushing Edinsburgh. They need to want it and enjoy it if they are going to excel in something. Now my daughter is constantly pushing me to do more and more dance. She has the internal drive for it. My older son does not have that same drive so he does less than her.

I push my children academically sometimes - my daughter struggles in maths so I work with her every week and learn new things. My son needed some support with reading. I make them meet their obligations - so if they say they’re doing football or ballet or coding club they need to finish the term. But otherwise hobbies are meant to be enjoyable. Challenging sure but inherently enjoyable. It’s wrong to take the joy out of dance in my opinion.

It doesn't generally work like that. Obviously if a child is screaming and hates something, it's not right for them.
But hardly any small children have the self-discipline to continue with a hobby on their own. The option to quit needs to be taken off the table if they generally enjoy it, when they are young.
It's like instrument practice: you either bake it into the day schedule as a fact or you don't sign up your child for instrument classes. They will not practice by themselves consistently unless you own no toys or screen.

I think you have to tackle the use of the iPad, regardless of whether your DD continues with ballet.

I agree. It’s always been mandatory for my kids that they learn one musical instrument and do one sport club out of school, and cannot drop either as long as they live at home. The type of sport or instrument can be swapped but it has to continue. Since they were about 7 years old. It’s worked and they are all glad I pushed them!

Don't live your life through your daughter .. it's not a good look

I did ballet from the age of 5-11. As an adult I am not a performer, I have terrible posture, flat feet and can barely balance standing on one leg! You're definitely sending her for the wrong reasons.

@Hairyragemachine you remind me of my father in a very uncomplimentary way. He was involved in a sport and was ment to be in the Olympics (he was that good) but life got in the way and he was deployed to the Falklands war instead. Unfortunately for him that time away from the sport along with his age ment that he never qualified again. So much like you he decided to live vicariously through my sister and I, he was adamant that one of us would go to the Olympics instead. My sister never had any aptitude for the sport and was quickly sidelined so all the pressure went on me and a sport that I enjoyed and was reasonably good at became something I hated and helped destroy our relationship. I ende0d up quitting the sport after many arguments and refusing to go for months, it's been almost 40 years since then and I've never done the sport again nor ever will, it was that damaging, which is why when he started to try the same with my kids I shut him down immediately.
Your at risk of doing the same with your dd. Your regrets, disappointments and mistakes are yours not your dds, stop trying to relive your choices through her. She needs to make her own choices and mistakes, she has a lot of extracurricular activities let her drop this one don't become my father

This sounds like an awful lot for a 5 year old.

They will not practice by themselves consistently unless you own no toys or screen.

They will if they enjoy it. Not so much if it’s something their parents are pushing them into because they feel that the kids “should” play a musical instrument.

We will be short of musicians in future if the only people who learn them are the few self-driven children.

Why is it ok to push your child to learn maths, science or English - but not music? What’s the difference between mandatory weekly swimming lessons and weekly piano lessons? Is it because it’s not valued as a life skill?

Piano lessons are definitely not a life skill 😂 I’m always confused why MN thinks they are.

Most musicians I’ve known are the self-driven type tbh.

ETA: And I’m definitely not anti-music at all. Was always my “thing” (still do it as a hobby), studied it at university, and only decided not to go into it as a career because I didn’t want to teach and the life of a professional musician is hard. Never had a piano lesson in my life…