My partner’s son’s girlfriend stays Fri-Sun every weekend - I’d like a weekend on our own

[ThatKindStork]

Sorry, long first post!!
My partner’s son has a new girlfriend. Within 3 dates, he’d brought her home to stay the weekend and she’s been staying every weekend since then (4 weekends on the trot), Fri-Sun. He doesn’t even ask his dad if she can stay, he just brings her home.
This isn’t his first girlfriend, this is his fourth and he’s only just turned 18. The first GF used to stay for weeks on end which used to cause issues.
I’ve asked my partner to have a word with his son to say she can’t stay every weekend as I want us to have some time together, but also because my partner works every other weekend so we only get 2 weekends out of 4 to do anything.
My OH always gets defensive, says it’s his son’s home too (I live with him) and “do I want him to kick him out”, “where is he going to go”. (his girlfriend’s/his mum’s?) which is absolutely not what I’m asking. When I say it’s supposedly my home too, he just gets worse.
The OH basically lets his son rule the house and there are no boundaries. He also does ridiculous things for him like folding his washing up, yet leaves all our stuff for me to sort out.
The fact that we can hear them having sex after he told them to be discreet, shows the son has absolutely no respect for us.
Am I being unreasonable asking for weekends without them staying? I don’t think I am but my OH doesn’t get what the issue is. He even said to me when I told him I could hear them having sec above my head that “it wouldn’t bother me, I’d have just turned my music up”?!
I feel like I’m invisible in the household 😓

@SeventeenClovesOfGarlic thanks for that! Sorry. First post. I had no idea 😊

I don't think you are unreasonable to want some weekends on your own. But the point is it's his house. And that's the problem. That's obviously how your partner and his son see it. I think you should move out. Because it just isn't working for you.

@SecondVerseSameAsThe1st no. I literally signed up yesterday for some advice as it’s got a bit too much.

After the year travelling (how is he funding that?), does he plan to go to university? If so, you moving out and maintaining a long distance relationship with your DP might only need to be a short term fix.
For what it’s worth, I think it’s unspeakably rude of the son not to have introduced the GF he brings round. Do they go straight to his room and not come out the whole weekend? Where do they eat? Don’t you pass in the hall on the way to the bathroom? I would absolutely hate to bump into a stranger in my own home (yes, I know you don’t own it, but you do live there).
I once heard my own 18 year old son having sex with a GF in the house -it was during the day, so there had never been a request if she could stay over. I sat down with him afterwards and told him that was completely unacceptable. He was embarrassed and didn’t like me saying it, but it never happened again. It doesn’t seem to have done our relationship any harm. Once he went to university at 19, he could do what he pleased.

I’m not sure why, either.
It sounds like a miserable situation where you have no status, no authority, no autonomy, no respect. Your boyfriend doesn’t have your back and his teenage son has been treating you like shit for years. And now you have to bump into complete strangers who come and go without a civil acknowledgement of your existence???

Wake up.

Move in with your dad ASAP and take steps to get your house back.

Great, less packing to do! Honestly, just leave.

Click the quote button, then everyone can see who you're replying to - it's very confusing otherwise.

You're not on the same page about this.

There is no way my DH would want sons doing this (some people may think he's a tad 'old fashioned' in this regard, but I'd rather this than random girls in the house constantly).

They obviously don't see it as a joint house with you and your partner having an equal footing. Move out.

You need to ask him if he's going to be a parent, or a wet rag?
because if nothing changes you will be leaving, with your furniture & he will be paying 100% not 50%.
The son will ultimately leave at some point & then your P will be on his big fat lonesome.
You loved him, but he has to show you that you matter by putting some rules in place.
It cannot be that to hard to say.
"Derrek you are living under my roof, & I don't want Doris here every single week end. You are going to have to go to hers, or your Mum's, or have the odd night alone, because I want some quality time with Thatkindstork."

Definitely move out!

@cooldarkroom I’ve already asked him that a million times. All I get is “I’m attacking him and his parenting”. My usual response is “what parenting” 😂
It wouldn’t be that hard to say for anyone, that’s what I’d have said to my son, but I guess he’s let him get what he wants for too long. All he says is “I don’t want to lose my son”. My response when I packed all my stuff up was “but you’re ok losing your partner”.

@MimiGC i don’t know how he’s funding it, and i also don’t think he’ll go now as he was doing this before the GF appeared.
They stay in his room, hog the kitchen for hours when he’s making her food, she’s never said thank you for letting her stay, not even come into see us to say hello. But apparently I’ve got a problem with his son if I mention how ludicrous the situation is, not that his son has poor behaviours.

@JustAboutHangingInThere thank you 😊 x

@MissDoubleU you’re right. Thank you x

My response would be as follows:
“DP, DOs DS and girlfriend, I’m sick of listening to you shagging every weekend. I’ll be moving out as soon as I’ve found my own place”

@Lmnop22 my wanting to have a night on my own with my partner in my home (whether I own it or not, it’s supposed to be my home) too is unreasonable? It feels like I’m compromising all my beliefs for them and getting nothing back tbh.

That’s just rude.
My daughter is 18 and her boyfriend is here reasonably often. He will always say hello, goodbye, make polite conversation. If they cook together in the kitchen, then that’s by agreement and they’ll work around us. Otherwise we’ll all eat together, having a family meal at the table. When they are in her room, we don’t hear a peep out of them. The same applies when she goes to his house.
He may still go travelling, as teenage relationships often don’t last long. Didn’t you say he has had 4 girlfriends already at 18?

At first I thought maybe you’re being unreasonable, moved in with your new boyfriend and his son and expected them to change how they are and his parenting to fit your preferred lifestyle.

But after reading your responses, you’ve been together years and moved in for 2. Adding about his non existent parenting and not pulling his weight in your relationship, I’d say you are definitely not being unreasonable.

My friend was in your position where her partner just wouldn’t parent his daughter, let her get away with everything and moaned at my friend if she ever brought anything up that she was unhappy with.

Something gives me off vibes about a man who’s happy to let his teenage son bring a (assuming teenager as well) girl back and clearly having sex very loudly in the house multiple days a week. Then moans if you mention anything, I think I’d leave x

When I was that age I had to ask my parents each time by bf stayed as it's their home - they usually said yes, but it was the principle that they didn't want someone coming and going without them knowing to expect a guess

Also ask your partner how he'd feel if you had a friend in the house every weekend that he didn't know, without checking with him how he felt about it. I'm sure he'd object or expect you to run it by him first

Who owns and funds the home?

If you go to the original post and click on See All you will see all of the OP's posts and your questions will be answered

I also bet if it was a 18 year old daughter rather than son then dad would deffo not be happy!

I doubt the son and his girlfriend care, and so it would be pointless

So what does the son eat? And what does he contribute towards the hosuehold's expenses?

From what you've said, it sounds like you're paying half of these costs, and probably doing a lot more cooking/ cleaning/ shopping etc than you did when you lived by yourself.
Who do the dogs belong to?

I don't understand why you still want to be with this man. Your life would surely be much sweeter if you went back to your house. Leave him alone to be a crappy and dsyfunctional parent. Spend more time with your own friends and relatives. Find a new partner...

Seriously, how much notice do you have to give your tenants before you can move back in? (this won't be as long as it would to replace them with other tenants; if you're going to live in the house yourself it's much easier to regain possession)