My partner’s son’s girlfriend stays Fri-Sun every weekend - I’d like a weekend on our own

[ThatKindStork]

Sorry, long first post!!
My partner’s son has a new girlfriend. Within 3 dates, he’d brought her home to stay the weekend and she’s been staying every weekend since then (4 weekends on the trot), Fri-Sun. He doesn’t even ask his dad if she can stay, he just brings her home.
This isn’t his first girlfriend, this is his fourth and he’s only just turned 18. The first GF used to stay for weeks on end which used to cause issues.
I’ve asked my partner to have a word with his son to say she can’t stay every weekend as I want us to have some time together, but also because my partner works every other weekend so we only get 2 weekends out of 4 to do anything.
My OH always gets defensive, says it’s his son’s home too (I live with him) and “do I want him to kick him out”, “where is he going to go”. (his girlfriend’s/his mum’s?) which is absolutely not what I’m asking. When I say it’s supposedly my home too, he just gets worse.
The OH basically lets his son rule the house and there are no boundaries. He also does ridiculous things for him like folding his washing up, yet leaves all our stuff for me to sort out.
The fact that we can hear them having sex after he told them to be discreet, shows the son has absolutely no respect for us.
Am I being unreasonable asking for weekends without them staying? I don’t think I am but my OH doesn’t get what the issue is. He even said to me when I told him I could hear them having sec above my head that “it wouldn’t bother me, I’d have just turned my music up”?!
I feel like I’m invisible in the household 😓

@MarkingBad I did give him a month, my bags are still packed but tbh as you say, he thinks I’m not going to do it.
I posted on here because I’ve invested in this relationship for 4.5 years and I wanted to be 100% sure that I wasn’t being unreasonable, I still don’t think I am for asking for one weekend where they stay at his mum’s/GF’S to give us some time for our relationship to get back to how it used to be and that I wouldn’t regret moving out. I’m not going to look back now. Thank you 😊 x

@MarkingBad no nothing.

I know it's easy for us to say walk out etc and that in reality it's much harder to do.

I think you are right in giving it a timeframe, a month is reasonable. He's clearly unable to talk to his son in the right way. After all son is an adult but not capable of setting up a home elsewhere so if his dad pulled his socks up and told him to buck up, he'd have to, where else is son going to get the comforts of home.

However the problem here isn't mainly his son, it's your DP. He's the one causing the problems, he's the one not progressing your future together, he's the one reigning you in, in your home. You are so vulnerable because he could kick you out anytime so he's pretty sure you'll stay.

If you do have further leaving discussions I'd leave the son out of it and focus on what has gone wrong with DP and you, while you focus on his son, DP can continue to deflect and defend his lack of action. He can use his son as a distraction from his actions. He has less of a chance of that when he is the problem, which he is.

Your OH is not trying to save your relationship, though.

Gave you a fairy tale promise of a future together that he had no intention or ability to fulfill.

If you’ve packed your bags and he hasn’t stepped up or started panicking about losing you, then this guy isn’t your man. All relationships get off track as the daily grind of life takes over, but you have to do something. You shout, you blame, you exchange hurtful thoughts, you laugh, and then you start talking and resolving.

Home should feel safe, warm, comfortable, and happy. Your home life sounds miserable, and that you work from home too! I can’t imagine how horrible that feels. Your energy seems nice, fair, and measured, and what you’re asking for is very reasonable.

The fact that his son has made no effort to introduce his girlfriend, have a conversation, sit down to eat supper with you is rude and odd, and that’s how your partner raised his son.

@BrillantBriony yes. If I point out it’s not normal behaviour, I’m the one with the problem/don’t like his son. Honestly, it’s draining to say the least. It wasn’t always like this but basically because I’ve called his son and him out on their poor behaviours, I’m the bad one. I’ve tried talking/shouting/getting us all to sit down but to no effect.

Where does your son live OP?

Definitely worth moving in with your dad for a while. Serving notice on your tenants can wait for a bit surely until you know what’s going to happen.

@DwarfBeans with his dad as it’s nearer his uni

With respect OP your partner has made his position clear and rightly or wrongly he is prioritising his son's relationship over yours, it seems like the writing is on the wall - he doesn't believe you will leave over this.

I think you should get your own house so partner can come to you so you can have couple time. Leave them to do all their own cleaning etc.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp that’s a great idea! 🤣😂 There would rates living with them within a week.
I do have my place but I rented it out when I moved in. So, lots to sort out

Can you afford to rent a bedsit or room in a shared house until your own property is vacant?
Move out ASAP. You don't have to end the relationship, just say you need more time and space to yourself.

But don't be surprised if the relationship fizzles out or he ends it when he finds someone else - because what he actually wants is a woman living with him to help financially, do the housework, and give him regular sex. By moving out, you are not fulfilling what he wants.

@EuclidianGeometryFan please ignore predictive text changing my words. I typed rats living with them.
I can stay with my dad and put my stuff in storage.
Yes you’re right and the longer I stay here my needs aren’t being met. Thank you x

I think it would be better to stay with Dad for a while, and use storage for say a month.

This may or may not give him the wake up call he needs.

Tho I feel he won't be that bothered.

He's been crystal clear that you dont matter but definitely are useful for paying bills.

Stop being used OP. You deserve better.

I’d be calling the field wines by a previous girlfriend’s name, making jokes about the sex noises, “I nearly called the police last night, I thought he was murdering you!’ Invading their space to make inane chit chat. Ask to go out with them as you feel like letting your hair down.

Which would amuse me for one weekend and then I would just move out and get a place of my own and leave them all to it.

I’d be calling the new girlfriend ^

I have thought throughout this thread that I'd wait until they were being noisy and make the most unholy performative sex noises imaginable outside the bedroom door several times over the weekend.

Wouldn't solve anything but I'd probably get a short term kick out of getting my own back

@ThatKindStork an exciting future awaits you. Move in with dad (he’ll probably love it) while you sort things out then prioritise yourself. Your DP is totally in the wrong for not ensuring all members of the home feel considered. It’s not going to get better. Free yourself!

@ForAquaMember 4.5 years.

@TheGrimSmile because he tidies up after him, puts his dishes in the dishwasher all while the son does nothing. Obviously his dad had enabled this situation and now can’t do anything about it because “he’s scared he’ll lose his son”. As I said to him, “but you’re ok losing your partner?”

I think your partner is "lazy parenting" he knows his son will kick off if he introduces rules so he won't. That son want move out for a very long time, why would he? He can come and go as he pleases with whoever he pleases.,Food and board, washing done bills payed. I know it's not easy but you will need to decide, can you live with this going forward or would you rather be on your own?

@Braygirlnow yes I totally agree but if I say anything, I’ve got the problem. I’ve just found out today that he didn’t even write my name in his son’s 18th birthday card!!! Kind of says it all even more now doesn’t it
All the lovely advice I’ve been given has helped me put my exit in motion. I deserve so much more than this.