Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

It is joyful isn't it

Doesn’t aunt have any friends who can help out? Friends of ours went to a family childfree wedding years ago: DH and I had the younger two and another friend took the older child.

edited to ask: are aunt’s DC that sort of children who will behave themselves, or will they run riot whilst she ignores them and enjoys herself?

Been the same every wedding I’ve been to that has welcomed children.

I'm totally with you re. different generations and different expectations @CrazyGoatLady (great name - do you own goats?! If so, jealous!)

I think the aunt has overreacted with her drama, but I also totally understand why she's upset and feels pissed off by the whole thing.

It's your choice to decide to exclude children. This means that you're effectively lumping anyone who wants to attend with a babysitting fee of <£100 for the privilege of not spending time with their children at an event that is not of their choosing and is entirely for your benefit.

Personally, I think it's a cheek and I definitely wouldn't go. Stopping speaking to you is a bit extreme but I'd think less of a family member that did this.

Threads like this are baffling that people have families like this. Honestly if my family behaved like this their invitation would be withdrawn. I've been to both child involved and childless weddings and I've got to be honest, those with children were less enjoyable. I think most people would agree too

Because by the time it came to deciding on guest lists for my wedding, we’d had 6 miscarriages and 5 failed cycles of IVF and were fucking exhausted at having to put a brace face on every time another member of our family had yet another child and wanted one day of our own that wasn’t like a magnifying glass shining on the one thing we didn’t have that we wanted more than anything. Is that okay?

It's your day. Only you can say what's important to you.

The idea of a childfree wedding is just so far outside of my family's norm that it would cause similar ructions. I have a cousin whose wife brought it up and he was like what? No. And that was that.

Weddings were always about the joining of 2 families and celebrating that with the families and close family friends.

It is your right to choose to exclude chunks of your family, and they in return have a right to feel insulted at being excluded, as they're not important enough to you to attend your celebration. Your GP also have the right to feel insulted that you are excluding chunks of your/their family.

I admit I have no understanding of child free weddings. Our young nieces/nephews/young cousins were every bit as important to us to be there as their parents were. We "cut our cloth" accordingly. If however you want the perfect Instagram wedding, then I guess you make different choices. And of course - choices have consequences. Don't be surprised if you are excluded from their big life events in the future.

@JanetareyouokareyouokJanetJanetareyouokareyouokJanet

That would include you then!

I'm probably older than you and I don't agree.

Your grandparents are probably upset because they want their grandchildren there. It also sounds like they thought you were all quite a close family and by excluding the kids you've revealed that you're not that close.They are overreacting though. I think there is no point changing any thing now as the damage to family relations has been done.

She doesn’t have to, obviously.

But don’t be upset about other reactions.

It’s got nothing to do with her not being close to her family just a personal choice. It’s her day so she can do as she wishes. Doesn’t mean she loves her family or any kids in the family less.

Yes, I do indeed have pygmy goats!

I can understand the feelings of disappointment, but it's what we do with those feelings isn't it. And what we model to kids - in the OP's aunt's case, she's modelling that when we don't get what we want in life, we kick off!

I would also have a child free wedding - the though of kids screaming all over the place is horrendous to me!

However I also know that it would difficult now for a couple of friends to attend (including one of my bridesmaids) without their kids - so - compromise -I've hired 2 nannies to look after all the kids at the wedding in a seperate part of the location - catagorically no kids in the service or reception though!

My auntie did the same at her wedding 20 odd years ago as most of us were very young but she didnt want crying kids in the wedding so we had a babysitter in a room, with movies and insaine amount of food!!

They are upset and you are upset.
They feel you’ve excluded family.
You feel they are punishing you.
Both are equally valid but I think you’ll have to accept their decision.
The older generation are not renowned for being reasonable in sensitive situations.
You could let them pout and hope they come around?
You could put the issue back into them and say if they are adamant about it then maybe they help towards childcare costs?
You could allow kids to the reception up until as specified time?
You could allow the children to be there when you exit the ceremony and for photos?
Or you could say f the lot of you, it is what it is and if you feel you have to give me the silent treatment forever then I feel sorry for you because this is one day and you’ve been part of my life everyday since I was born.

@Summerinsicily out of curiosity why don’t you want your little cousins at the wedding? Is it cost? Are they little rascals and you’re worried they’ll muck around or be noisy?

Why should she? She doesn't want kids there, end of!

OP, yes you have to accept with a CF wedding some won't come. I had a CF wedding and not one single guest dropped out, as they had a whole 18 months to organise childcare. They are being unreasonable to stop talking to you though.

those kids are the centre of their world, and not yours. They need to remember that.

not everyone wants whiny kids running around getting bored doing knee skids on the dance floor. Kids can be very annoying at weddings, and I have a kid myself.

I dislike child free weddings and tend to decline the invites unless the logistics are simple to sort. However apart from one where the Bride took my "sorry we can't make it. Hope you have a fabulous day" as a personal insult, we are still on speaking terms.

I think local makes it worse. We have family and friends in a variety of countries and obviously their child free weddings present a different set of challenges. I'm being dragged to one in the SE of England later this year from NE Scotland but dh is staying home with the kids. Couldn't their dad look after them?

No - if there is no childcare there is no childcare! If she has no partner and the rest of the family are at the wedding she probably has no childcare. It’s not the same as a night out - she’d need a babysitter for hours. Our nursery staff would not babysit for entire days, just evenings. And there is no way I would use a childcare service which meant leaving my DC with a stranger.

YANBU but you must accept that a child-free wedding will upset some people.

Your grandparents are of a generation where weddings where family events celebrating a marriage, not the castle/stately home extravaganza you see today; they probably don't understand why you're excluding family members.

I’m cynically wondering if the Aunt and GPs were expecting the 5 year old twins to be playing a role in the wedding itself so are doubly pissed off. Still doesn’t excuse their appalling bullying behaviour.

I love a child free wedding, they’re the best! The GPs are behaving like 5 year olds themselves which doesn’t bode well for the maturity (or parenting) of the actual small children.

Stick to your guns OP. It’s your wedding. It’s acceptable for guests to be disappointed/unable to come. It’s not acceptable to have a tantrum and bully the bride-to-be.

Personally I’d take the money you’d save by the Aunt and GPs not attending and use it to treat you and your husband-to-be to something nice and think fuck them.

How can your aunt not line up a babysitter? She doesn't want to line one up; she's only willing to attend your wedding on her terms.

Seems to me that your grandparents are the selfish ones, not you. Who refuses to attend their granddaughter's wedding out of principal? Wow, their loss, OP. Truly. So down the road if you do another thing they don't agree with, they will boycott that too? So everything must be on their terms, and their love is clearly conditional.

It is not at all uncommon to have a child-free wedding. In fact, I know several of my relatives say that weddings are not really a place for children, especially the late night ones. Some of my friends are even relieved to get an "adult" night and an excuse to dress up and have a few drinks and leave the kids at home.

There are loads of reasons for not inviting children to a wedding, cost and disruption being at the top of the list. It's unfortunate that your extended family has taken it personally, however keep in mind that they are the ones who have chosen to make it personal by refusing to attend your attend.

Please don't let these people ruin your wedding. Be glad they aren't coming if it's this easy for them to put their opinions over their support and love for you.