Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

It's a family event and by saying no kids you have excluded close family (cousins are close in mine and DHs families).

You have every right not to have the children there but it unfortunately it is likely to cause upset TBH.

Dbro and I were excluded from a cousins wedding in the 80s because it was childfree, all the other cousins were there as were adults (DB and I are the babies of that generation). My usually chilled parents were furious and didn't attend, my dad's sister didn't attend in solidarity. We come from the kind of family were there are always loads of kids and events are very family focused so it did not go down well and it still talked about 40 years on.

It is up to you and it seems quite normal from what I read on here but in my world it just isn't done and the presence of children is always enjoyed so if it happened it wouldn't be popular.

You have decided to exclude people on the basis of their age. Your choice. But quite horrible imo. They can't help being young.

Would you exclude the over 70s? Over 80s with dementia who may shout out in the service? Of course not, so why do you feel people should accept your "under 16s" (or whatever the age is) exclusion and keep quiet about it?

Sorry to read about your losses. You poignantly clearly express there can be a multitude of personal reasons why a couple might want a child free wedding. A lot of MN get quite angry and assume the reasons are shallow and the bride and groom want an Instagram wedding. However, sometimes as you say, it can be for the most devastatingly sad of reasons. Hope you’re doing okay ♥️

Ah, jealous! I look after some at work, they're the best

And yep, I'm with you - aunt's behaviour is totally not okay, but I do think she's allowed to feel excluded and upset, and to tell her parents how she feels.

This is absolute madness. Maybe they won’t be ABLE to come, which is disappointing, sure. But to REFUSE to come is completely unfair and offloading their bullsh*t onto you. I’m really sorry they’re dominating what should be a happy time with their lack of empathy. I didn’t have kids at my wedding because I have a very large blended family and it would have financially ruined us to have to find a venue that would accommodate that many people and feed them. We literally couldn’t have done it (and having a smaller wedding with just immediate family wasn’t an option because of my family expectations - yay wedding politics). Organising a wedding is stressful enough, if anyone had made it this difficult for me not being able to include children I think I’d have had a full on breakdown. They’re being really unfair IMO.

OP isn’t complaining they aren’t coming. OP is complaining they are being whiny asses about it and are whipping up other relatives against her, who have decided they aren’t coming in some bizarre solidarity pact, when their other child’s child is getting married.

If grandparents don’t want to come, simple solution, they look after the kids so Aunty can come.

I’d see this as the perfect way to find out who really wants to come to the wedding. If these people are flaking out because they claim not to be able to find a babysitter in 11 months time, I’m happy they aren’t there.

I had a cousin decline my evening only invitation with a very sniffy remark about how as it was a Sunday, they couldn’t come because her kids had school the next day. This is a cousin whom at every family event ended up throwing up from drinking too much, well into her 30s. I’m sure she used her kids as an excuse but frankly she was only invited because all my cousins were. We could only invite cousins to the evening do because I have 27 of them, most of whom we never see, and that was half of our budgeted guest numbers, and my mum was adamant that we extend the invite to cousins (that was the only “you must” we did for our wedding). Her younger siblings were under 16 so couldn’t be left alone and they were invited to the day, I think that pissed her off too. Either way, I was glad she declined, she would have been an utter embarrassment to herself!

They can of course find a babysitter in 11 months. They don't want to for some reason. Do they think it would be a nice experience for the kids, do they want to make it a playdate kind of thing and have the kids play together, I don't know. You could try explaining calmly your reasons for it and stress that it is something that you and your partner want. I wouldn't exhaust yourself convincing them, just have the one conversation. If they still don't budge, then I suppose you have to decide. Is it more important to you to have your family there, (with weighing up the cost to your mental health/happiness) or having the wedding you imagined

I had a child free wedding, but I do think you are being unreasonable. If you have family with young kids, you are effectively excluding them from the wedding, and this is going to cause upset.

I don't understand why having a child free wedding is more important to you than your own family attending.

Not everyone has the money for a babysitter for about 12 hours, never mind actually being able to find someone willing to do it (4 kids!) AND someone the kids can be left with. You can't just leave your kids with anyone. Babysitters usually have kids in bed. They are usually young people who do not have the skills to manage 4 young kids all day long. If everyone the aunt knows is at the wedding this is not an easy ask.

Your actions have consquences.

They're not speaking to the OP. Blocking their numbers won't achieve much 😄

I dont understand childfree weddings to be honest, but you are more than reasonable to want one.

But to expect a relative with 4 kids, to find a babysitter is totally unreasonable

@Summerinsicily I agree with your grandparents that it is abusive BUT it’s your wedding - if you can’t be selfish then, when can you be?! They are the selfish ones, using emotional blackmail to get you to do what they want, on your big day.

“It’s sad that you feel that way, grandparents, but it is our wedding and this is how it’s going to be. I will be gutted if you don’t come but that is your decision to make. The invite will still be there, just as it is for aunt and uncle. If Uncle won’t look after his children or they can’t find anyone over the next x months then that is their problem to solve. Perhaps you could help pay for a sitter for them?”

Couldn't the children's father look after them?
Or their paternal Grandparents?

The consequences of not inviting children should not be silent treatment and ganging up against the bride. It should just be a polite decline.

Her prerogative but a bit pathetic.

Would you say that to an employer? Oh I don't want to come to the office Xmas party cos you haven't invited little Hugo?

Or would you walk out of a booked hair appointment if the salon owner told you it wasn't OK to have Hugo running around the salon whilst you had a cut n dry?

It's v much a my-children-should-be-the-focus-of-absolutely-everyone kind of thinking.

I imagine OP doesn't want the main memory she and everyone else has of their wedding to be "Mummy, I've done a big poo in my pants" in the midst of the vows.

That some people (many on this thread) cannot bear the idea that someone else and not their child/ren is to be the centre of attention for just this one day.... well they're the sort of people who I'd say are no loss if they decide to decline.

I think the grandparents are entitled to not to come.

They obviously see, and I agree with them, that a wedding is a family affair. You have chosen to organise the wedding in a way that effectively excludes members of the family. The wedding is no longer a family event and they no longer feel an obligation to attend.

I'm a bit baffled by all the posters insisting it's so impossible to arrange a babysitter. Expensive, sure, but it's easy peasy. The kids will be 6,4 and 2 by next year - we're not talking about newborn triplets or something.
Can't afford it, or don't want to perhaps, but it's definitely possible.

You’re not being unreasonable to want a child free wedding but there are children in your family. What will you do when you have children? Keep them away from family events?

Because other people's kids are annoying, particularly if you don't have any yourself.

I'm not married, but I can see why people might want to have a party without kids there.

I really don't understand child-free weddings, and I say this as someone who doesn't have, want, or particularly like children.

Child-free holidays make sense, but weddings are de facto family occasions. What are people doing at these things that's so unsuitable for children? Watching porn?

BUT it’s your wedding - if you can’t be selfish then, when can you be?!

This is such an odd way to look at things. A wedding is a event of community and family, a bringing together of people in a joyous shared event.

Its utterly bizarre to me to not think of weddings like that, but to instead think of them as a chance to be 'selfish.;'

Supporting their daughter by giving their grand daughter the silent treatment and ganging up against her? You really think that’s an appropriate response?

Why are you in tears? You chose a protocol at your wedding that excludes people, the point that those children grow up is true. I can't stand this ' your wedding, your choice' mantra. It is so weird. I got married for the second time last year, had a ball and all the kids who were there loved it (family and overseas travllers mostly). It is a community event, for yours and your husband's community for your married life. I am an atheist, so no religious dogma.

My friends and family have supported each other through divorces, grief ( including the loss of children), illness and have also celebrated good times together too! A wedding does not make a marriage and the modern day obsession with your day is just shit and a real mirror to the me, me, me of today's society.

In this case, it has obviously upset you and you care. You can fix it, there is no need for drama. Just say you thought it through and the impact on everybody and include family children? Easy compromise and then you can relax about it