Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

YANBU to be upset they aren’t speaking to you- it’s one day out of a lifetime, they are being very very petty. I hope things get better on that front soon.

BUT they ANBU to be upset that the kids aren’t invited and not to come to your wedding (both your Aunt and Grandparents). That’s just something you have to accept if you exclude some family members from what is most typically a “family” event.

I wouldn't have come either - I've got 2 children and I would have nobody to leave them with if everybody else from the family was going to the wedding. But luckily childfree weddings are not a thing where I come from.

"having children at a wedding are seen as blessings…" to you. I personally couldn't imagine anything worse.

"celebrating a union of 2 families and usually is a precursor to having your own children…?" sorry I didn't realise it was 1950.

One of my DDs had a wedding where children were not just welcomed but properly catered for. At the reception there was a chocolate fountain, old-fashioned candy twists in a jar, children's "cocktails" (they all felt so grown up!), huge bubble wands - it was a joy - the grown ups enjoyed playing at being children again!

They all behaved impeccably during the ceremony - it had all been explained to them by their parents. And they proudly had their best gear on and knew what was expected of them.

It was a real joy for everyone.

You don't get to choose how other people react, though.

OP has (unintentionally) caused a lot of upset by deciding not to invite anyone's children. I do agree that the aunt and grandparents are overreacting but they're allowed to be upset.

As is her perogative!

They are being manipulative!

They're not going to complain to the bride and groom though are they? They probably are complaining to others

I think people who want to dictate the terms on which other people have their weddings are BVU. Ridiculous behaviour from your aunt and disappointing from the grandparents.

Fine to decline the invitation on the basis that finding a babysitter for 4 kids is difficult/too expensive. Not ok to have a tantrum about it and get others involved.

Take it on the chin, do not buckle. your day, your money, your choice
The argument that they are children within the family doesn't cut it with me. I see my friends' children 100% more than my wider family's children

The people commenting on this thread are bonkers.

Really until I had kids I had no idea what a pain it is to go to a wedding without kids. Especially a family Wedding!

my stance is now that it’s not kind to leave out kids if you want the parents there. If you’re not bothered tell them it’s child free.

I doubt it’s about arranging childcare, the aunt is probably hurt on behalf of her children that they aren’t wanted at the wedding, effectively being snubbed.
There is no way I would have accepted the invitation if my children weren’t also welcomed and included.

My son got married a few years ago there were children of all ages, pushchairs galore. It was such a joyful event. Some booked rooms in the hotel, some went home in the evening.

It's the parents problem not the bride and grooms. I have to say at the reception they were well behaved. If they got fidgety a parent took them out for a bit of fresh air.

Why should she back down and give into manipulative people. No she should not.

I think if you make the choice to have a child free wedding, you have to accept that people won’t be able to come. It is upsetting for some people to not have their children invited.

In what way?

Weddings seem to be changing towards being more orientated towards the bride and groom's tastes than being traditional family events, so this is often in conflict with what previous generations expect.

At the same time, there's an increasing demand it seems from parents to make absolutely everything family friendly to the max, which doesn't just mean children are included, it means events have to centre around them too. I've seen this in both mine and OH's extended family and friend circles, the parents don't just want the kids invited, it's what are you doing to entertain the kids, what's on the kids' menu, how safe is the venue, etc. Even one friend of a friend demanding of a bride and groom that alcoholic drinks served to adults are limited in number for the safety of children. Children don't just go along to family events and exist, get a bit bored, eat too much sugar at the kids' table and do silly dances any more, they seem to have to be at the centre of everything, can't possibly be bored or have the attention off them (or indeed their parents) for a second. My kids are ND and hated weddings when they were wee, so I was usually begging not to have to bring them!

Weddings usually have alcohol, and quite a lot of it IME. Family events on the Irish side of my family often involved a lot of drunken adults and language and behaviour that parents now would probably not want their children to see! Wouldn't half have the pearl clutchers out on here!

Fuck 'em.

This comes up here constantly. No idea why people are so intense. You can do what you like and so can she. You want a child free wedding, she doesn’t have childcare. So she won’t come. Super simple. Your grandparents are being ridiculous.

I caved and invited a couple of my husband’s cousins to our wedding - one threw up on the dance floor just before the first dance and then the parents complained every time a song had a curse word in it. I should have stuck to my original plan.

and yes I have children and no I don’t expect them to be invited everywhere and no I don’t have childcare options so I just… pay for it or skip it. Super easy.

Absolutely this!

OP you’re entitled to your choice
Aunt is entitled to hers
GPs to theirs

How?

They are behaving terribly and nobody should be harassing you over it but I do understand their upset. I would be very hurt if a family member excluded my DDs from their wedding. They are an important occasion, joining two families and the children are part of your family too. It does suggest you care more about the aesthetics of the day than including family members. But they are handling it very badly.

I totally understand people having to have a limit and saying no to children of friends, you have to have a cut off somewhere but not inviting your young cousins to your wedding does feel harsh.

It is your decision to have the wedding that you want and it's their decision whether to come or not. But they shouldn't be shouting at you over it.

You can have whichever sort of wedding you want.

People can choose to attend or not.

You can't be annoyed if they choose not to (or can't) attend and they can't be annoyed at your choice.

You have every right to choose a childfree wedding but you have to understand and accept that it will mean some people won't or can't come.