Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Are childfree birthday parties selfish? What about anniversary parties? Leaving dos? New Year’s? Why are weddings so special?

It’s selfish and entitled to think that people should do what you want them to do for their special events.

Why do people think other people actually want to come to their wedding? Weddings are something we feel we have to go to because they are family or close friends. They cost us money to travel and attend, as well as time and inconvenience. People seem to think others should be thrilled to be invited, when that might not be true. If you make it hard for me by making it childfree somewhere I don't have sitters, I feel relieved to be released from my obligation to attend.

And that’s fine. If you don’t want to go, don’t. The issue OP has is that her grandparents are refusing to talk to her or attend her wedding over it.

Yes, I agree. I think you can support the excluded family while still attending and minding your own business. Unless they are after an excuse not to go themselves.

Yes they are. They don’t want to come that’s fine but to completely fall out with op for having a children wedding is manipulative.

Lol. Completely agree.

Husband, children and I all invited to the wedding? It’s impossible to decline. It’s ceases to be an invitation; it’s an obligation.

Childfree wedding? Oh no, no childcare. Too bad. So sad 😂

They don’t want to come that’s fine

OP doesn’t think it’s fine- she said so.

And if close family are hurt by someone’s actjons, why should they have to pretend otherwise? For what? To protect the feelings of someone who didn’t care about theirs?

Weddings are a gathering of family and friends. When did it become a thing to exclude those below a certain age?

Your choice but always amazes when couples are surprised that people often can't or don't want to go to great effort/expense to find child care for an event that they would already be giving up time and money to attend.

So you really think it’s proportionate to cut off your grandchild because they didn’t invite your other grandchildren (who are all too young to care) to their wedding. A wedding that was completely childfree? Seriously.

Fine for them to be upset and discuss it with OP. Fine for the aunt to decline the invitation if it doesn’t suit. But the grandparents are being childish dicks. Imagine cutting your grandchild off for so trivial a thing.

Ive 4 kids. And I prefer going to weddings without them. Yes, getting someone to look after them can be hard but is completely doable. If i cant get my kids sorted, then I dont go to the wedding! Not the end of the world, it wont hurt my feelings, and doubt it will hurt their feelings. Having kids was my choice. Having childfree weddings is theirs. All perfectly fine.

💯 who wants 4 young kids to their wedding, the aunt can work something out if she really wanted to or not come. Sorry they are xausing you this stress.

You need to have your scouts out early and find out when the date is before the invite arrives. You can then have an unfortunate clash of events set up in advance and politely decline the wedding invite.

I’ve done that numerous times. On one occasion I had 2 wedding invites for the same day and managed to turn both down claiming I was attending the other one. I went to neither and we spent the day at the races.

What I think is that OP has made a decision to exclude members of the family from her wedding and that has (predictably) caused division/ upset in her family. It’s pretty straightforward really. OP is of course entitled to make those decisions, and these are the consequences.

All I can say is wow. If you think she deserves being cut off for having child free wedding then I have no words.

Probably better to be cut off if your family are this petty and callous. Shocked anyone would think this was an acceptable response.

The year before we got married, we went to a wedding which was ruined by the vows being completely drowned out by a screaming toddler. It was at that moment we decided to have a child-free wedding!

Your grandparents are being extremely unfair. Stick to your guns. They may back down nearer the wedding.

When people stopped having them in budget halls and started having the wedding they wanted, and also probably the poor behaviour of children these days doesn't help. Things change, and weddings are also so different. There's not just one kind of wedding, depending on your age, culture, country you are from, country you are having it in etc. It's weird people are so narrow minded on their views of what they think a wedding is and what it has to look like. A wedding is about the Bride and Groom. In some cultures the joining of two families, but that's not the case for most White British people.

Agree, very selfish. Can’t the bride and groom think of anyone else but their selves?

I think you and @Fortean are being very dramatic with a lot of poetic license .

Nobody has “cut anybody off”.

Op has made the decision to exclude members of her family from the wedding, and this has caused upset / division in the family.

arguments about this decision ensued following which GP have said they don’t want to attend the wedding and are currently not speaking to OP.

Not sure why you find all this so incomprehensible- its exactly the sort of conflict / upset that commonly arises around weddings when people clash on their core values around family.

If your family is so pathetic (reading into it it sounds like the aunt is probably the spoilt daughter who always gets her way) that they'd rather ruin your wedding by putting a huge dampener on it, then they are horrible people. Not wanting young children at a wedding has nothing to do with core values of a family, how ridiculous, you're the one being dramatic. It's an aunt being precious and selfish about her kids. I can just picture the type of nightmare parent she is, as well as daughter as she's obviously bullied her parents into being on her side. You just know her kids will be the ones running up and down the aisle during the vows while she thinks it's adorable.

Okay, maybe cut off is a bit drastic, but not speaking to someone over this is still pathetic. Not attending your grandchild’s wedding over this is pathetic. It really is. It could easily lead to a permanent cutting off of the relationship. It’s insane.

Those kids are so young, they’re not going to care they weren’t there. Having a child free wedding doesn’t mean OP doesn’t care about the kids. It’s probably a good thing the grandparents are refusing to go as they’re acting like big kids themselves.

There won't be any coming back from this @Tandoraso even if they haven't cut OP off as such, the relationship won't be the same. It says alot about the Aunts and Grandparents family values or lack of. Selfish bullies who want it their way or no way.

People are bizzare. Who wants to go to a wedding with children running around ??

I hope the cop on !

I genuinely don't understand why someone would think their young child is being excluded so I think this is just an excuse, particularly when a child would rather be doing something else. I can only think it's some kind of issue with the mother and why she takes personally (Dads never seem to care), OR they don't want to leave the child 'alone' and don't anyway OR it's the logistical issue. In which case they should just say what the issue really is rather than paying games and guilt tripping.

I have children and think this is totally fair!! We only had our siblings children at our wedding. It’s your wedding!! My husband didn’t even invite his cousins as they aren’t close.

I disagree with posting saying you will change your mind if you have children. I haven’t. Still glad we had a 99% child free wedding with only children we are extremely close with. I don’t take my children to people’s weddings, I get a babysitter and just leave the reception on time to be home by 9pm. What is wrong with that?

I think your family and lots of posters are being unfair to you OP.