Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Given your update I totally see why you want a child free wedding without exceptions.

Buy a “y” and an “o”. They’ll come in ever so useful.

Your wedding, your choice.

Some people just like creating drama.

I would ignore their complains/manipulative behaviour and just focus on organising your wedding as you wish.

Erm - they did. It’s the OP’s grandparents who are turning it into a massive drama.

I didn't attend weddings we were invited to with similar aged kids (though they weren't close to home and getting babysitters wasn't that simple). It's completely up to you and the rest of the family should stay out of it, however it may have ongoing consequences. We read into it where our DC ranked with that family member (and it was much closer than an aunt of ours) and involved them in the child's life accordingly.

I think you make your choice and they make their choice and everyone just has to accept each other's choice without over thinking it.

I don’t understand child free weddings. They are a celebration with family and friends surely?

This completely fails to acknowledge that the OP’s aunt, though disappointed, could have tried to understand that child-free weddings are quite common these days and that, if you have four kids, they may not get invited with you wherever you go - especially given it may mean the bride and groom cutting two other couples out of their wedding. OP’s aunt could have behaved like a grown up and said thank you very much for the invitation, but she won’t have suitable childcare - and then wished them a lovely day. Instead she went crying to mummy, which is more than a little pathetic in a woman old enough to have a large family.

But it’s the OP’s grandparents who are the real villains here. Despite all the “People can’t help how they feel 🥺” crap peddled on here, people CAN control their responses. And OP’s grandparents have behaved in a disgusting, manipulative way.

@Summerinsicily I think you need to take a deep breath and accept the situation, and stop allowing it to upset you. This is the same as with any other big party or event - you set up the parameters for what will work for you, and invite the people who you want to be there. With enough notice (and 11 months is more than enough) everyone who you invite and who loves you will be there. You cannot make people be there. Unfortunately some of your relatives prefer emotionally manipulative tantrums, and you can't do anything about that. Just let it go. If the topic comes up in conversation, just say "I respect their decision" and change thr subject.

The wedding isn’t really about guests. I’m not a fan of child free weddings and if you have one you have to accept some people won’t come because it’s too much of a fangle. If it’s what you want then go for it and just accept some people won’t come

“everyone just has to accept each other's choice without over thinking it.”

yes I agree, except that the grandparents have the done the opposite. They don’t accept op’s choice to have a child-free wedding so now they’re not speaking to her and refusing to attend. They’re taking sides and trying to manipulate op into changing her mind.

I have children and am having a child free wedding apart from my 2. No nieces, no nephews, no cousins. I absolutely hate this bollox that guests think they can dictate who's invited to a wedding. It wouldn't happen for any other event. It's really shit that your grandparents have turned on you too and that it's causing you stress.

The only thing I didn't agree with that you posted is saying that the parents can have a night off but see you've already addressed that.

Yes, I do agree that the grandparents should be able to disagree but still attend. They are over stepping in their response IMO.

I had a child free wedding. It causes lots of issues tbh but it's what we wanted. Decades later I just wish I'd invirwd the kids. It really doesn't matter. The important thing is the people you want being able to attend

Despising you?! Fucking hell - the drama is off the scale with some people!

Interesting to read that. I've often wondered if my family member has regrets. For us, at the time, we felt like it reflected how important our child was to them, that they expected us to leave her (nursing baby) so far away for so long, to attend their wedding at our expense. They didn't respond well to us not coming. We haven't been involved with them for many years and I think there's too much water under the bridge now. I have no regrets and would always chose my young baby first, even now, but I wonder if it was worth it for them.

Weddings have changed so much. They did used to be real family affairs. Mine was hosted by my parents as were nearly all weddings 40 years ago. It wasn't " our day" particularly. It was the joining of two families and all members were invited including the youngest members.
Weddings now seem to be selfish affairs with only two people having any importance and they are so important it doesn't matter if they make decisions that hurt people who love them .

You could equally say that the OPs grandparents are making a decision that needlessly hurts her though.

True, but its a direct result of her decision to not invite close members of their family to her wedding . They are hurt by it.
Apparently they have no right to be hurt by it as it "ops wedding her choice "
Not sure it always works like that.

They can be hurt, doesn’t mean they have to throw the toys out of the pram completely, stop talking to OP and refuse to attend her wedding though. She’s their grandchild too.

Didn’t OP say she’s not cut that close to her aunt though, or did I imagine that?

I think you’re probably overestimating the impact on them.

OP hasn’t mentioned anything about budget and has specifically said she’s not close to the uninvited kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP- your family are being dicks and your grandparents should be ashamed of themselves.
Can you speak to them about how much this has upset you?

Sack it off and elope x

Well, they certainly made their unhappiness at our decision and subsequent less involvement in our lives known over the following years. I think they will feel the impact more soon, but I won't go into details about that as it's their business. It has definitely affected them more than us.

Childfree weddings are incredibly selfish. Time and time again we see on Mumsnet the hurt they’ve caused. Did you speak to your family members with children before sending the invites? Just wondered if you forewarned them.

Why do you think people are entitled to go to every wedding?

MIL and one SIL tried to pull this stunt when DS got married. My other SIL (DH's DSis) has several DC. They has never bothered with him, he's 30. DS has over 30 cousins. His DW is an only DC and so are her parents. With aunts and uncles this was almost 50 guests on the groom's side if he invited all cousins too.
I supported them in inviting whoever they wanted, but MIL said she would not attend. DS said calmly that he loved and would miss her but that he wouldn't be changing his mind. Grandma (who very much sees herself as the matriarch of the family), came to the realisation that the wedding wasn't about her and dropped the protest, I kept quiet knowing she wouldn't miss it
Invite whoever you choose, but don't be held hostage by their responses. I hate it when anyone tries to flex and make someone else's event about them.