Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

No it's not.

It is a wedding. Between the OP and her DP. It is completely up to them who to invite. Most people invite some friends, and some family. Some people just invite two witnesses. Some people invite 10 people, others 40, others 85, and some want, and are able to afford, and are able to find a venue that fits over 100. It is completely up to the hosts who they invite, or don't invite.
Nobody is 'entitled' to an invitation.

She’s made it clear that she doesn’t really consider her cousins family , and she’s not especially bothered about her aunt.

You are just making stuff up there @Tandora .
OP hasn't made that clear at all. She and her dp have made a decision to hold an adult only event for their wedding. The rest is just your imagination.

An adult going to a do without their partner is not a hardship or sacrifice
Its not comparable to parent having to arrange childcare for the children,if both parents attend a wedding

My best friend did this. Asked me to be a witness then said she was having a child free wedding knowing full well I couldn't get help. My husband wasn't attending as he couldn't get the time off work (night shift) and we have no support network. I attended for the 15 minute ceremony while my husband watched our son before his pre work nap. I then went home to be with my lil boy. It caused tension for a while but there were other things involved. It'll blow over in time.

Absolutely it’s the aunty’s choice. But why are the grandparents refusing to go because they’re annoyed on her behalf?! That’s the unreasonable bit.

Of course they are bing manipulative.

the aunt can’t come - fine. But the grandparents are just having a childish temper tantrum. Holding their breath till they get their way.

awful behavior

I usually err on the side of guests in these wedding ones but in your case OP your family are being arseholes. I don't buy this "you made a choice and so have they". Your aunt has bags of time to sort a babysitter. But they are choosing to stamp their feet. YANBU but they are.

Yep totally fair not to attend. To stop speaking over it is childish and manipulative. Stick to your guns OP, and tell the to fuck off, they clearly value themselves more than you.

their only answer should’ve been, sorry, I can’t make it unless kids can come, and leave the decision to rethink up to you.

Your wedding will be hard work for most of your guests, sorry.

How have you worked that out ?

Most people don't want to be there.

Again - can you explain how you've come to that conclusion ?

But excluding family because of age is rude.

It really isn't.

And knowing how hard it would he for someone witb 4 under 7 including a baby. You'll understand it when you have kids yourself and likely will be highly embarrassed by your behaviour.

I doubt it. Before I had dc, I didn't give it much thought. But once I had dc, I couldn't understand why anyone would want to take small children to a wedding.
I had to take my 3 to (Their Uncle's) wedding once, when they were still quite small, and it was very, very hard work. Far less enjoyable than all the other weddings we've attended without them.

Maybe because 4 of their grandchildren have been excluded.

4 grandchildren that the OP isn’t even close to.

Grandparents needs to be objective, not take sides.

Four small children haven’t been invited to a wedding. No big deal - it’s a choice of the hosts.

Grandparents deserting their relationship with their grandchild over seems extreme and an emotionally unbalanced response.

I wasn’t invited to my aunt’s childfree wedding when I was four. My sister was the flower girl who she got to go and was the only child there. My family survived this huge trauma😂. No one stopped talking to each other or ended up on the Jeremy Kyle show!

I have limited patience for over the top emotional reactions to minor inconveniences.

You can expect away, but OP’s post makes it clear her family aren’t politely accepting her decision. Whether or not you feel they should doesn’t change that fact.
If I was reading a post from OP’s Auntie or Grandparents I’d be telling them a variation on the same thing - is this disagreement really worth becoming estranged for?

This is what I'm thinking re: grandparents. You made a choice about your wedding. Your family is making their choices.

"Making choices" not to get childcare to go to a childfree wedding and politely declining an invite is one thing. Causing a big drama and ostracizing your niece/granddaughter over it is not "making choices" it's being a dickhead.

Four of their grandchildren who are under five years old, are highly unlikely to remember anything of substance from this occasion but who are highly likely to create disruption and commotion.

If the grandparents are such nasty people that they would create a family rift over this rather than graciously accepting OP's preference, then they aren't worth having in her life. She is doing nothing out of the ordinary, nothing insulting and nothing for which to apologize. Many, many people have childfree weddings.

If the grandparents are so hellbent that there be a family reunion featuring a gaggle of granchildren, why don't they organize and host one themselves instead of hijacking OP's wedding?

Yes, I can’t believe how many people think the grandparents are being reasonable here! They’re sulking at best and being very manipulative at worst. Whatever you think about child-free weddings, they’re being dicks.

I think children add to a wedding. We had a hoard of them at ours. However, not everyone agrees and also there are a limit to how many people can be invited. It is obviosuly very much the choice of the couple getting married if they have children present. It is then the choice of the guests if they can attend without their kids. Personally I think babes in arms should be invited even where children in general are not, as they are even harder to find childcare for, but it is still the choice of the couple getting married if they invite them or not.

It is not fair of your family to be upset with you for not inviting children to your own wedding and it equally wouldn't be fair for you to be upset with your family for not attending due to childcare issues.

Enjoy your wedding. I hope this doesn't cause too many issues with your family. I would just explain you would love them to attend, but quite understand if they can't due to childcare. You love your cousins, but are having a child free wedding.

Your wedding, your choice, but I have never ever been to a wedding where close family members children were excluded.

You have a right to a childfree wedding but then you need to accept many, especially parents won’t be able to make it.

Well said op.

Why is it an insult? I like my best friends. I liked them before they had children, I still like them now. They've not changed. However, their children annoy me. They know this and they know said children wouldn't be at my wedding. Do they understand? Of course they do as they're level headed individuals. Even they had a child free wedding (pre kids) as they recognise that unless they're your children the chances are most people find them a pain. My nieces and nephews are great for an hour or so, that's it and I think that's normal

That’s Not the issue though. The issue is that her aunt and grandparents have stopped speaking to her completely, and the grandparents are refusing to go, not because they can’t make it, but because they’re tantrum if that the kids can’t go.

@JHound She’s not close to her aunt or her children so she’s not excluding anyone close?

Weddings are a hell of a lot of fuss. Go your own way, let other people do what they want - your grandparents and other relatives can stay away if they like.

My dd's father said 'No-one in my family will come to dd's wedding' and they didn't. Not one of them. They weren't missed, and I saved £500 on dinners (it was twenty-five years ago).

Yeah. Not much point quibbling about child free weddings (still very much in favour both before and after having my own children!) but this isn’t actually about that. This is about grandparents being willing to stop talking to a grandchild because they don’t agree with a decision she’s made for herself.

this is manipulative and cruel and no one should put up with this from family. There are plenty of decisions my family members have made that I wouldn’t, but I show up for them every time. I had a massive chunk of my family disown me when I got married (I married out of my religion and it was a huge thing), but after a shaky couple of years, my parents and brother accepted my life choices and showed up for me.

Am absolutely bewildered that these grandparents are this intense over something so small - they all live near each other and can see each other whenever they want, it’s not like a destination wedding for half the family or only inviting his family or anything dramatic at all.

Is there a possibility that your aunt has kicked off and told the grandparents (presumably her parents too) that if they go to the wedding they won’t see their grandchildren anymore? The reaction of all of them seems disproportionate and ridiculous.

Honestly, have the day you want. My wedding day wasn’t what I wanted and I still regret it because I was bulldozed into things I didn’t want to suit other people’s feelings.