Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Yeh, agreed, this is the issue. Not declining the invitation - that's fair enough, and is always a risk of child-free weddings - but the nasty reaction and behaviour.

If her choice is not to get a babysitter (when she has nearly a year to plan for it) then she declines and wishes the bride, her niece well. Not create a family drama, which is a pretty pathetic response

If she has had four children then I would assume she is an adult and not a toddler throwing a tantrum as she is not getting her own way, which is exactly what it sounds like she is doing from OPS posts

Parents can’t let their hair down at any wedding if they have to get back and relieve the babysitter and still get up at 6am with their young chindren the next morning anyway so that’s a loose excuse.

Excluding people who are very much loved within a family (even if you yourself aren’t close to them) is always going to be a bit risky in terms of offending those that are close to them. Just because they’re children doesn’t mean they’re not members of your family who you have deliberately excluded from your wedding. I’m not saying I agree with their reaction but realistically your cousin isn’t getting a 1 year old and two older kids babysat by a non family member and all the family will be attending so what is she supposed to do? You must know that by excluding her children, you’re effectively excluding her too…..

I honestly don't understand why a wedding would be child free. Children are part of the family. But if that's what you would like that is what you should have. It's your wedding. you can't change people's feelings though. So unfortunately you are just going to have to accept that your auntie and GP won't be at your wedding.

it's her choice

Of course it is, and she is absolutely free to make it. Quietly, and without being an arse.

Parents can’t let their hair down at any wedding if they have to get back and relieve the babysitter and still get up at 6am with their young chindren the next morning anyway so that’s a loose excuse.
Oh yes we can!

Some people just don't get it. Being a newcomer to our village, I didn't know anyone well enough to babysit DD until she was at junior school.

Yep.

Presumably they have family on their dad’s side?

We didn't either for years (and one of my kids is autistic anyway so even then, not easy). So we just declined child-free invitations. No need for people to be nasty about it though. We declined nicely and politely every time.

I’ll echo this. I was neutral about child-free weddings before having kids (I come from huge families on both sides and enjoy a family-centric event as well as an adult one) but I’ve become increasingly supportive of the option with every child DH and I add to our family.

Children aren’t small adults and (except for the youngest infants) aren’t extensions of their parents; every occasion, activity or place doesn't need to be child-inclusive and that’s not inherently excluding the parents. Part of choosing to be a parent is knowing that children need full-time care and that necessitates a lot of trade-offs.

I don't think you're read the whole thread have you 🙈 We've gone through all this.

Couldn't agree more.

Actually, it's because we get it that we know it's possible and worth making the effort.

There isn’t actually a right or wrong answer about whether kids should be invited to weddings or not.
OP’s opinion and her extended family’s opinions clash. It doesn’t matter whether you or I consider her not inviting kids in the family to be rude or complaining about her not inviting those kids to be rude. It doesn’t change the situation. Either OP compromises or she accepts that she has seriously upset these family members. It’s OPs decision and her family can’t expect to control that. But equally OP can’t expect to change her family’s reaction to that decision.

Thing is, I partly blame society and of course Mumsnet for pushing the "I will do what I like, it's my day " agenda, and stuff everyone else. The reality is real life really does not work like this. Yes you do have to consider others in everything that you do and that also includes your wedding. Actions have consequences as you are finding out.

Most rational reply of the thread.

Child free wedding is a selfish me-me act that will only strain family relationships and lead to guests declining . Get over yourself and have a do without expecting parents to struggle to make childcare arrangements
I think child free wedding are always controversial, weddings are about family,and families include children.

They’re being unreasonable to throw a fit and stop talking to you. Some dear friends of mine are getting married next year, I wouldn’t miss their wedding for the world but it’s child free and we have a little one who’ll be 2 at the time. That’s their choice. It’s disappointing for me as I’d love DS to be there, but we’re making a plan with relatives who live in reach of the venue (we have to fly to it) and failing that we’ll still travel there but DH won’t go to the wedding and I’ll leave early.

Personally we did have children at our wedding (last minute in the end as planned childcare fell through, although they had been invited initially) and it was a joy. My friend’s 3 year old kept the dance floor alive throughout. Precious memories.

All I could think about was how early I needed to leave to be home with the kids, how much my daughter would have loved to have danced with the wider family, how much she would have loved dressing up and going to a nice family celebration.
Me, me, me, everything is about me and my children, including events organised and paid for by others where me and my children aren't the centre of attention..

Actually, I think individuals SHOULD be able to expect others, especially family members, to treat them respectfully and with politeness, even if they don't agree with a decision someone has made. I certainly expect that of other people... don't you? If you don't, that's very sad and I'm sorry.

(Just to make sure... you do realise it's the OP's own wedding, right?! Just checking, as you seem to think that control over the guest list by others is rude... 🤦🏼‍♀️)

Hilarious level of entitlement 🙈

What if they don't like their family?

Oh, I made the effort, but it took a long time to meet people that I felt comfortable to babysit for me.

I know these rifts do happen and can be long lasting.. My dad had an older brother, they weren’t particularly close, but when my parents married in the seventies my uncle attended with his wife and two young sons. I was born in the eighties, and in the early nineties my dad's eldest nephew got engaged. My parents were invited to the wedding, but I wasn't, as it was a child free wedding (much less common I think at that time). The rift that it caused never really healed. I’m not really commenting on the rights or wrongs (I do remember being disappointed as a child - many of my friends had been bridesmaids for older cousins and I very much wanted a turn!) but just saying that it’s not new and every decision has consequences (yours and theirs).