Page 29 | Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

Summerinsicily · 2025-05-20T11:38:57+00:00

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming. My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending. I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Dabrat21 · 20/05/2025 21:31

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:29

Yep. Not a thought for the bride and groom and what they wanted for their actual wedding day! This is what I meant when I said earlier that some parents don't understand that although their children are the centre of their world, they are not the centre of everyone's world, and are certainly not the centre of THE world!

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But I went to the wedding and didn’t say a word…?

Shessweetbutapsycho · 20/05/2025 21:31

Arrestedforit · 20/05/2025 12:48

No they re not being manipulative, they’ve made a choice too which is the consequence of the OP’s choice. Neither party is right or wrong here IMO.

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The manipulative part isn’t that they made their choice, but that they’ve expressed their upset to the bride, and evidently close members of the extended family resulting in people saying they aren’t coming to the wedding.

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:31

Itisjustmyopinion · 20/05/2025 21:27

The bride and groom don’t currently have children and I did wonder if in the future they may feel differently about it.

Ah I wondered when this was going to appear. It’s like entitled parents bingo on here tonight

No not all people who have child free weddings regret it when they become parents themselves, more likely it makes them realise even more how good of an idea it was

Haha yep, this one always rears its thread on these threads.

I can't speak for everyone, but here's one mum of 2, had a child-free wedding, no regrets pre-kids, would do the same again in a heartbeat, and have been to (and loved) child-free weddings post-kids. 🥂

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:31

Shessweetbutapsycho · 20/05/2025 21:31

The manipulative part isn’t that they made their choice, but that they’ve expressed their upset to the bride, and evidently close members of the extended family resulting in people saying they aren’t coming to the wedding.

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Exactly. Fine to decline. Not fine to be nasty and make trouble.

Dabrat21 · 20/05/2025 21:32

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 21:25

The wedding wasn’t held to provide your family with an opportunity to dance.

Instead of being “sad” about others’ choices, don’t you organize, pay for and host a party or family reunion if that’s the sort of thing you you want to experience??

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Hahahahaha

MayaPinion · 20/05/2025 21:32

Dabrat21 · 20/05/2025 21:21

I recently went to a member of my family’s child free wedding and my husband couldn’t attend as he had to look after out kids. All I could think about was how early I needed to leave to be home with the kids, how much my daughter would have loved to have danced with the wider family, how much she would have loved dressing up and going to a nice family celebration. My cousins all had to come without their partners as there was no one else to watch their children. I wouldn’t have been stressed that my child was acting up or being ‘feral’ because all children are different. I just felt so sad my children missed out on it. The bride and groom don’t currently have children and I did wonder if in the future they may feel differently about it.

Why did you need to leave if your husband was looking after the kids? You might have been sad that your DD didn’t dress up and dance, but nobody else would have cared. The day wasn’t about her. It was about two people important to you getting married. It must have been wonderful for all your cousins to have the opportunity to get together without having to worry about children running around.

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:34

Dabrat21 · 20/05/2025 21:31

But I went to the wedding and didn’t say a word…?

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Sure... but you've made it clear that
"All I could think about was how early I needed to leave to be home with the kids, how much my daughter would have loved to have danced with the wider family, how much she would have loved dressing up and going to a nice family celebration."

I repeat: "ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT".
Like I said, not a thought for the bride and groom and their happiness... just you/daughter. (I didn't claim you actually said anything, but you made your thoughts and feelings very clear in your post!).

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:34

MayaPinion · 20/05/2025 21:32

Why did you need to leave if your husband was looking after the kids? You might have been sad that your DD didn’t dress up and dance, but nobody else would have cared. The day wasn’t about her. It was about two people important to you getting married. It must have been wonderful for all your cousins to have the opportunity to get together without having to worry about children running around.

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Good question, and great points.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/05/2025 21:35

Dreichweather · 20/05/2025 21:29

It’s not just the cost of the day. It’s paying for the many settling in style sessions so they’re comfortable to be left all day.

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Exactly, that's a lot of time money and effort that most people aren't going to put in for the sake of someone else's wedding.

Ingogneetoh · 20/05/2025 21:37

WhatNoRaisins · 20/05/2025 21:35

Exactly, that's a lot of time money and effort that most people aren't going to put in for the sake of someone else's wedding.

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What?? If the kids are not OK to be left then don't go. 'Many' settling in sessions? Give it a rest.

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 21:37

Dabrat21 · 20/05/2025 21:32

Hahahahaha

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Why do you find that funny?

Do you mean that you won’t exert yourself to host a family party so your kids can show off, but think the bride and groom should do it for you?

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:40

Dreichweather · 20/05/2025 21:29

It’s not just the cost of the day. It’s paying for the many settling in style sessions so they’re comfortable to be left all day.

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To be honest, I actually agree with you. It can be hard if the wedding isn't local and an all-day thing. I have a network of babysitters now but when my kids were very tiny I didn't. I get it. Which is why, if you don't have any appropriate child-care options or don't feel comfortable leaving your children... just politely decline! No need to attack the bride and groom for not accommodating your life decisions and challenges! I have declined a wedding invitation before due to children. Other times I've been lucky enought to arrange childcare (it was an effort as we have no family locally) and we've gone. Other times one of us has gone and one stayed at home. But in none of these options did we blame anyone - that's incredibly ridiculous and selfish and I can't imagine behaving so terribly, especially towards people kind enough to include me in one of the most important (and expensive!) days of their lives!

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:41

Ingogneetoh · 20/05/2025 21:37

What?? If the kids are not OK to be left then don't go. 'Many' settling in sessions? Give it a rest.

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👍

Drawings · 20/05/2025 21:43

OP you can have a child free wedding if you want YABU.

However people with children can also decline to come due to childcare which you can’t be upset at. I would be in this position and just decline. I can’t afford 12hrs worth of childcare to attend a wedding (£20 an hour is £240) on top of presents / outfits. We don’t have any family help.

From the grandparents POV, weddings and funerals are historically one of the times family’s all get together which is what they might not understand.

Whenwillyoumakemyphonering · 20/05/2025 21:44

We had a child free wedding, our only exception was my 19 year old twins. Caused a lot of issues, but I stuck to my.guns.
To quote my.lovely Dad, your wedding, your rules.
I learnt that friends were more accommodating than family! Have the wedding you want,.it, hopefully, only happens once, one day your family will realise. My.DB did but.only.after a succession of child free weddings.

Strawberriesforever · 20/05/2025 21:44

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 21:13

Nope.

Childcare is the responsibility of people who chose to have children. Not their hosts.

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FFS. You hate kids, we get it.
But OP’s family here are making it clear they consider the children of the extended family to be part of the that extended family, not a just a burden that the people stupid enough to want to become parents should deal with all alone while also magically being able to attend child free events.
Organising an on-site babysitter for your wedding is a compromise between having a family friendly event with all the kids present at the ceremony and party and having an adults only event which excludes family members who don’t have easy childcare options and alienates family members who think children of the family should be invited to family milestone events.
Having a babysitter onsite is also just a suggestion. Obviously it’s OP’s wedding and her and her fiancé’s decision. But clearly that decision is already causing family friction. Whether OP feels excluding children entirely is more important than her ongoing relationship with her aunt, cousins and grandparents is up to her.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 20/05/2025 21:47

CrazyGoatLady · 20/05/2025 13:54

Weddings seem to be changing towards being more orientated towards the bride and groom's tastes than being traditional family events, so this is often in conflict with what previous generations expect.

At the same time, there's an increasing demand it seems from parents to make absolutely everything family friendly to the max, which doesn't just mean children are included, it means events have to centre around them too. I've seen this in both mine and OH's extended family and friend circles, the parents don't just want the kids invited, it's what are you doing to entertain the kids, what's on the kids' menu, how safe is the venue, etc. Even one friend of a friend demanding of a bride and groom that alcoholic drinks served to adults are limited in number for the safety of children. Children don't just go along to family events and exist, get a bit bored, eat too much sugar at the kids' table and do silly dances any more, they seem to have to be at the centre of everything, can't possibly be bored or have the attention off them (or indeed their parents) for a second. My kids are ND and hated weddings when they were wee, so I was usually begging not to have to bring them!

Weddings usually have alcohol, and quite a lot of it IME. Family events on the Irish side of my family often involved a lot of drunken adults and language and behaviour that parents now would probably not want their children to see! Wouldn't half have the pearl clutchers out on here!

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Exactly, and nowadays when children are invited there's an expectation for pick and mix, games, chocolate fountain, children's entertainment etc. When I was a child, at weddings you ran off to play with all the other kids there and stayed out of the adults' way and it was great because the wedding itself had us all bored to tears.
Weddings can be big money and more and more people are going for small, intimate (cheaper) weddings. I did and I have zero regrets. Nowadays child friendly weddings = a whole lot of extra dolla.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 20/05/2025 21:47

Likewhatever · 20/05/2025 16:48

Perhaps they would rather support their own daughter than someone else’s.

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They’re showing favour to one of their children (the one whose children aren’t invited) over another of their children (the one whose daughter is getting married). They’ve made it clear which of their children they prioritise.

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:49

Strawberriesforever · 20/05/2025 21:44

FFS. You hate kids, we get it.
But OP’s family here are making it clear they consider the children of the extended family to be part of the that extended family, not a just a burden that the people stupid enough to want to become parents should deal with all alone while also magically being able to attend child free events.
Organising an on-site babysitter for your wedding is a compromise between having a family friendly event with all the kids present at the ceremony and party and having an adults only event which excludes family members who don’t have easy childcare options and alienates family members who think children of the family should be invited to family milestone events.
Having a babysitter onsite is also just a suggestion. Obviously it’s OP’s wedding and her and her fiancé’s decision. But clearly that decision is already causing family friction. Whether OP feels excluding children entirely is more important than her ongoing relationship with her aunt, cousins and grandparents is up to her.

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And.... let's flip this. Her 'family' feel that their views about who they want to have or not have invited is more important than the OP's own opinions on who she does and doesn't want inviting... to her wedding!

The FAMILY MEMBERS are causing friction, not the OP's invitation. Their nasty response is the issue here - let's all just remember that.

I'm sorry but there's simply NO way of making the OP's family look justified in their nasty response. I can see you're trying hard, but clutching just isn't working.

Lifeofryan · 20/05/2025 21:49

Well, you made your choice and they have made theirs. Looks like it's not only going to be a child-free wedding, but an adult free one too from the looks of it. Maybe the aunt doesn't want to leave her children with a babysitter, it's her choice, just like having a child-free wedding is yours.

CreateAUsername25 · 20/05/2025 21:51

They need go suck it up. And you need to accept some may not come.
It'll be fine. Enjoy your day

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:51

Drawings · 20/05/2025 21:43

OP you can have a child free wedding if you want YABU.

However people with children can also decline to come due to childcare which you can’t be upset at. I would be in this position and just decline. I can’t afford 12hrs worth of childcare to attend a wedding (£20 an hour is £240) on top of presents / outfits. We don’t have any family help.

From the grandparents POV, weddings and funerals are historically one of the times family’s all get together which is what they might not understand.

And, as many of us keep saying- that is fine. If you can't make it or don't want to make it, just politely decline. No dramas. I've declined a child-free wedding before.

What is NOT fine is the nasty way the family have reacted, calling her selfish... about her choice of guest list for HER OWN WEDDING. It's mind-boggling how some people treat others. It's literally one day of all their lives, and the selfish family can't even let her have that.

Dreichweather · 20/05/2025 21:52

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:40

To be honest, I actually agree with you. It can be hard if the wedding isn't local and an all-day thing. I have a network of babysitters now but when my kids were very tiny I didn't. I get it. Which is why, if you don't have any appropriate child-care options or don't feel comfortable leaving your children... just politely decline! No need to attack the bride and groom for not accommodating your life decisions and challenges! I have declined a wedding invitation before due to children. Other times I've been lucky enought to arrange childcare (it was an effort as we have no family locally) and we've gone. Other times one of us has gone and one stayed at home. But in none of these options did we blame anyone - that's incredibly ridiculous and selfish and I can't imagine behaving so terribly, especially towards people kind enough to include me in one of the most important (and expensive!) days of their lives!

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Yes, this is true the behaviour of the aunty isn’t acceptable.

NewbieSM · 20/05/2025 21:52

Oh OP are you new here? Mumsnet hates child free weddings not sure if it’s a UK thing but seems most posters here think that your wedding should bend to meet the desires of others. Don’t feel bad or guilty for not inviting 3 children that are 5 and under, not sure they would enjoy it considering they would be the only kids there. Maybe if they were a bit older and more independent but there’s a toddler and baby no fucking way! It’s your day and you’ll plan it exactly the way you want to. If that means your aunt and grandparents are going to throw a tantrum about it then let them, this day isn’t about them.

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:52

Lifeofryan · 20/05/2025 21:49

Well, you made your choice and they have made theirs. Looks like it's not only going to be a child-free wedding, but an adult free one too from the looks of it. Maybe the aunt doesn't want to leave her children with a babysitter, it's her choice, just like having a child-free wedding is yours.

Why adult-free - are you suggesting thay every single invitee is going to decline?! What an odd thought! 🙈