Page 28 | Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

Summerinsicily · 2025-05-20T11:38:57+00:00

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming. My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending. I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 21:12

Tandora · 20/05/2025 20:19

But then we suddenly just realised that we don’t have to invite any kids at all and would prefer not to.

Right. And as a consequence your aunt and your GP realised that they do not have to attend your wedding and would prefer not to.

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That’s not a problem.

Harassing the OP is the problem.

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 21:13

Strawberriesforever · 20/05/2025 21:08

This is not a bad idea OP. Why did you want a child free wedding? Because you don’t want the ceremony to get interrupted? Because in that case one solution is to say no children in the church/registry office please but children invited to the reception can stay with the wedding nanny while their parents watch the ceremony. You’d need to set up an area at the venue for them and provide some kid-friendly activities. You’d still get a child free ceremony and smooth things over with your family. You wouldn’t have to invite everyone’s kids either - you could just invite family members kids.

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Nope.

Childcare is the responsibility of people who chose to have children. Not their hosts.

Lampshadeblue · 20/05/2025 21:14

So people with young children not coming is fine, but your Grandparents are being really mean and manipulative here. Also, I totally know what you mean re young children ruining some weddings. Sometimes they’re great but often in my experience parents understandably just end up totally distracted and exhausted. Not a good atmosphere at all. It’s your big day, don’t listen to other people trying to control it.

CrazyGoatLady · 20/05/2025 21:14

My2cents1975 · 20/05/2025 21:05

OP,

Maybe there can be some compromise, after all you have almost a year to plan.

How about a child-free service and then immediate family only children (i.e. nieces and nephews from both sides) at the reception?

Everyone is chatting and there is music and dancing so I can't see how children can ruin a reception especially if the kids table is at the back of the venue close to the doors so any little ones melting down can be quickly taken outside.

You can approach family members to share the cost of 1 or 2 babysitters depending on the number of immediate family kids. I wager that the kids will prefer to watch Frozen rather than be shushed at a wedding ceremony!

See this is absolutely classic from parents on here. Most of y'all don't respect other people's boundaries and feel entitled to other people catering to you and your kids over and above their own wishes for their own damn wedding day. If OP wanted kids at her reception, she'd have invited them. And I can absolutely assure you that poorly parented/behaved children (as well as poorly behaved adults, for that matter) can ruin anything.

Kids aren't welcome in every single place/event, and some places/events aren't appropriate for them, or aren't set up for their needs. As parents, we need to be okay with that. Not everyone adores the bones of our kids the way we do, or wants/needs every single event they attend to be child friendly.

Tandora · 20/05/2025 21:14

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 21:12

That’s not a problem.

Harassing the OP is the problem.

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Op stated herself that she was upset that her GP are not attending and not speaking to her.

uuuuu · 20/05/2025 21:14

Excluding the children of close family members is not a great plan usually. You can do what you want, but you’ll need to accept the consequences.

Digdongdoo · 20/05/2025 21:15

TheignT · 20/05/2025 21:12

If you've got four under five you probably haven't got the time or the energy to look after other people's kids.

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Then they'll have to accept that they will miss out on stuff. There's no need to sulk about the consequences of their own life choices.

Digdongdoo · 20/05/2025 21:18

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 21:13

Nope.

Childcare is the responsibility of people who chose to have children. Not their hosts.

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The poster that suggested the nanny has since spent pages and pages arguing that childcare is impossible to arrange and that small children can't possibly be left a stranger (even with a year to get to know them). Make it make sense.

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:19

Octavia64 · 20/05/2025 12:42

If you are going to have a child free wedding then you do need to accept that some people will not be able to come.

if those people are important to you then either relax the child free restriction or accept that there will be repercussions.

i have friends that haven’t spoken for twenty years because one friend had a child free wedding and the others just couldn’t sort childcare. Multiple young children do make it very difficult.

Yes - you hqve a child-free wedding and you accept that some people may not be able to come. But surely you can see that falling out with her over this and telling her she's selfish is horrible?! That is NOT acceptable!

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:20

uuuuu · 20/05/2025 21:14

Excluding the children of close family members is not a great plan usually. You can do what you want, but you’ll need to accept the consequences.

A reasonable consequence is them politely declining to attend. What they're doing/saying to her is unacceptable.

Dabrat21 · 20/05/2025 21:21

I recently went to a member of my family’s child free wedding and my husband couldn’t attend as he had to look after out kids. All I could think about was how early I needed to leave to be home with the kids, how much my daughter would have loved to have danced with the wider family, how much she would have loved dressing up and going to a nice family celebration. My cousins all had to come without their partners as there was no one else to watch their children. I wouldn’t have been stressed that my child was acting up or being ‘feral’ because all children are different. I just felt so sad my children missed out on it. The bride and groom don’t currently have children and I did wonder if in the future they may feel differently about it.

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 21:21

uuuuu · 20/05/2025 21:14

Excluding the children of close family members is not a great plan usually. You can do what you want, but you’ll need to accept the consequences.

Toddlers who won’t even remember the event let alone have the social skills to participate without being disrupted?
🙄🙄🙄

Daisy12Maisie · 20/05/2025 21:22

I think traditionally weddings were family affairs so children would have been included. This is not always the case now though and lots of people have child free weddings. It’s your choice and I don’t think they should not be speaking to you over it but I can see why family would be disappointed and your grandparents may find it strange and a bit selfish because it wouldn’t have been a thing when they got married.
Ultimately it is your day and if I wasn’t impressed by a family members wedding for whatever reason I would still go if possible or not go but not make a fuss/ sulk about it.

Ingogneetoh · 20/05/2025 21:23

Emonade · 20/05/2025 20:48

What is the reason for wanting a child free wedding? Ive never understood it

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Kids can be noisy, disruptive and in some cases deliberately badly behaved. Their parents' ability to be present and join in with the wedding's activities usually revolve around what the child will or will not put up with. I'd imagine OP doesn't want her wedding day and to activities to potentially hang on the whims of overtired and overexcited children.

I have more reasons for you if they aren't enough.

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:24

CrazyGoatLady · 20/05/2025 21:14

See this is absolutely classic from parents on here. Most of y'all don't respect other people's boundaries and feel entitled to other people catering to you and your kids over and above their own wishes for their own damn wedding day. If OP wanted kids at her reception, she'd have invited them. And I can absolutely assure you that poorly parented/behaved children (as well as poorly behaved adults, for that matter) can ruin anything.

Kids aren't welcome in every single place/event, and some places/events aren't appropriate for them, or aren't set up for their needs. As parents, we need to be okay with that. Not everyone adores the bones of our kids the way we do, or wants/needs every single event they attend to be child friendly.

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This! You've hit the nail on the head. Everyone thinks their own little darlings are the centre of the world. I get it. My little children are the apple of my eye. But... I am also aware that it's ONLY ME that feels like that, because I'M THEIR PARENT. Child-free wedding? I either sort child-care out or don't go. Simple. Not of this guilt-tripping nastiness. I decided to have kids.

(Incidentally, OP, I also decided to have a child-free wedding and I'm 100% glad I did. Sure, a couple of family members and friends couldn't make it due to childcare but politely declined. No problem, no drama, no nastiness).

Feetinthegrass · 20/05/2025 21:25

We went to a few weddings where the children came to the reception ( had their own play area in a different room and entertainer etc) but not the service, that might work well for some couples.

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 21:25

Dabrat21 · 20/05/2025 21:21

I recently went to a member of my family’s child free wedding and my husband couldn’t attend as he had to look after out kids. All I could think about was how early I needed to leave to be home with the kids, how much my daughter would have loved to have danced with the wider family, how much she would have loved dressing up and going to a nice family celebration. My cousins all had to come without their partners as there was no one else to watch their children. I wouldn’t have been stressed that my child was acting up or being ‘feral’ because all children are different. I just felt so sad my children missed out on it. The bride and groom don’t currently have children and I did wonder if in the future they may feel differently about it.

The wedding wasn’t held to provide your family with an opportunity to dance.

Instead of being “sad” about others’ choices, don’t you organize, pay for and host a party or family reunion if that’s the sort of thing you you want to experience??

Ingogneetoh · 20/05/2025 21:26

Dabrat21 · 20/05/2025 21:21

I recently went to a member of my family’s child free wedding and my husband couldn’t attend as he had to look after out kids. All I could think about was how early I needed to leave to be home with the kids, how much my daughter would have loved to have danced with the wider family, how much she would have loved dressing up and going to a nice family celebration. My cousins all had to come without their partners as there was no one else to watch their children. I wouldn’t have been stressed that my child was acting up or being ‘feral’ because all children are different. I just felt so sad my children missed out on it. The bride and groom don’t currently have children and I did wonder if in the future they may feel differently about it.

All I could think about was how early I needed to leave to be home with the kids, how much my daughter would have loved to have danced with the wider family, how much she would have loved dressing up and going to a nice family celebration me and what I want.

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:26

Ingogneetoh · 20/05/2025 21:23

Kids can be noisy, disruptive and in some cases deliberately badly behaved. Their parents' ability to be present and join in with the wedding's activities usually revolve around what the child will or will not put up with. I'd imagine OP doesn't want her wedding day and to activities to potentially hang on the whims of overtired and overexcited children.

I have more reasons for you if they aren't enough.

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This! How odd that some people aren't capable of understanding something so obvious from another person's perspective! LOADS of reasons a person might choose to have a child-free wedding (just there are also loads of reasons people might choose to invite children! Or not have any wedding guests at all! But each to their own!).

MayaPinion · 20/05/2025 21:27

Arran2024 · 20/05/2025 17:08

How do you find a "babysitter" for an entire day, for 4 children, ranging from 2 to 6?

Seriously? Are you going to ask a local 17 year old? Is mum going to happily take off for the day, leaving her children with someone they don't know? Will she use an agency charging about £25 per hour? Does it matter if she uses a nursery worker, who has no experience of older kids?

Not everyone has a family network or relationships with friends who would look after kids for the day. And not everyone can afford it.

This idea that sorting a "babysitter" is easy is beyond crazy.

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Seriously? In 11 months you couldn’t save up for and find a babysitter for a day? That’s just lazy.

Itisjustmyopinion · 20/05/2025 21:27

The bride and groom don’t currently have children and I did wonder if in the future they may feel differently about it.

Ah I wondered when this was going to appear. It’s like entitled parents bingo on here tonight

No not all people who have child free weddings regret it when they become parents themselves, more likely it makes them realise even more how good of an idea it was

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2025 21:29

Ingogneetoh · 20/05/2025 21:26

All I could think about was how early I needed to leave to be home with the kids, how much my daughter would have loved to have danced with the wider family, how much she would have loved dressing up and going to a nice family celebration me and what I want.

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Yep. Not a thought for the bride and groom and what they wanted for their actual wedding day! This is what I meant when I said earlier that some parents don't understand that although their children are the centre of their world, they are not the centre of everyone's world, and are certainly not the centre of THE world!

Dreichweather · 20/05/2025 21:29

MayaPinion · 20/05/2025 21:27

Seriously? In 11 months you couldn’t save up for and find a babysitter for a day? That’s just lazy.

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It’s not just the cost of the day. It’s paying for the many settling in style sessions so they’re comfortable to be left all day.

Dabrat21 · 20/05/2025 21:29

Ingogneetoh · 20/05/2025 21:26

All I could think about was how early I needed to leave to be home with the kids, how much my daughter would have loved to have danced with the wider family, how much she would have loved dressing up and going to a nice family celebration me and what I want.

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These are my thoughts. I didn’t tell the bride or groom this as of course it’s not my day and it doesn’t matter what I think. I’m just putting it here as the OP is asking for general, honest opinions. You don’t have to like it.

I don’t believe here family should stop talking to her, of course they are being selfish and childish. I would never have behaved like this or even commented. But what I wrote above was how I was feeling.

My2cents1975 · 20/05/2025 21:30

CrazyGoatLady · 20/05/2025 21:14

See this is absolutely classic from parents on here. Most of y'all don't respect other people's boundaries and feel entitled to other people catering to you and your kids over and above their own wishes for their own damn wedding day. If OP wanted kids at her reception, she'd have invited them. And I can absolutely assure you that poorly parented/behaved children (as well as poorly behaved adults, for that matter) can ruin anything.

Kids aren't welcome in every single place/event, and some places/events aren't appropriate for them, or aren't set up for their needs. As parents, we need to be okay with that. Not everyone adores the bones of our kids the way we do, or wants/needs every single event they attend to be child friendly.

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What a dramatic response!

OP can have her wedding day. She is the one who posted that she wants her aunt and grandparents there. I gave a practical solution that is a compromise. After all, there is a need for quiet at a ceremony but receptions are loud and full of noise so kids do not make a material difference.

But to each his own. If OP follows through with her child-free wedding, she can lump it with her aunt and grandparents 1) not attending and 2) bringing it up ad infinitum at future family gatherings.