Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Can the children’s dad not mind them so your auntie can attend?

That’s what we always did when the kids were small. The parent who was related to the bride or groom attended, the other stayed home.

My DH didnt want some of his family (loads of them) at our wedding - due to the sheer size of his family, in his opinion. I was against his decision but he was adamant. His choice. I was having all of my family regardless.

I heard me being slagged off whilst I was in the toilet on my wedding day at the party "it must be her doing etc." and "if they can't afford it, why are her family here and not ours" etc... wild assumptions.

I didnt take it personally because I knew that DH would clear it up and they were actually nice people, not usually so horrible. Although 15yrs later I still can't believe they were silly enough to not check if the cubicles were empty first before gossiping haha! My sister and I (helping me with my dress in the cubicle) were cringing at the time.

So what I do advise is that you explain your decision clearly to both sides so no assumptions are made. That was the issue with ours - husband not making it clear as to his, and his alone, decision.

If they don't accept the invite as is, it's up to them to decide whether to come or not and, equally, up to you to deal with their decision. What I would say, however, is that they should respect your reasons whatever they may be. Any backlash is a 'them' problem, not a you problem. No one should guilt-trip, tantrum or sulk their way on the the invite list.

youre asking me why I’m upset that my grandparents aren’t coming to my wedding even though they can, are taking sides, have said some horrible things to me and have told me they no longer want to speak to me????

Sorting out childcare for 4 very young children for a wedding that the rest of the family are attending might be easy for some of you, but I think it would be very difficult for most people.

It is clear that there are a lot of posters who think a wedding is only about the couple.

I don't subscribe to that view as I see a wedding as a celebration about the couple who are also the hosts of said celebration. They should also be considerate towards the guests - within reason.

In this case I think the OP is being unreasonable to exclude her auntie by not inviting her own cousins, but I think the auntie is being unreasonable to throw a strop about it.

YANBU

Your aunt and your grandparents are being rude and ridiculous.

Child-free wedding or not, no sane person would want badly behaved children at their wedding especially with a parent that can’t control them and is constantly shouting at them.

It’s unfortunate that your grandparents are choosing not to come, but why should you risk your wedding for family members who behave this way and who is to say that her children will be better behaved by time the wedding comes around? If they destroy something, is she/they going to reimburse you or are they likely to excuse these kids’ behaviour and make it out as if it should be expected/ price you pay to have kids there?

Will having your aunt and her kids there make you more stressed about the day?

If so, stick to your childfree wedding.

They are the ones who have “fallen out” with me. I wonder if anyone has asked them if it’s worth it

Then that's fine. Choosing to be a parent means that sometimes you don't get to go to some things. That's just the reality of it. It doesn't last forever, the children won't be children forever!

I have first hand experience of a family being torn apart due to a child free wedding.
The bride took great offense to family members not being able to attend as they were babysitting a 2yo child, with health issues, not invited. The wedding was a 5h drive from the family with the child lived in a town where the only people the family knew were the 3 other family members invited to wedding. So everyone had a chance of being part of the wedding some members did the child care for the ceremony and the others the reception. The bride and grooms suggestions for babysitters were to "get a stranger to do it", the health issues meant that really only those that knew the child would be suitable.
It was an impossible situation and
nearly 3 years on the bride can't be in the same room as the immediate family and have barely seen them since the wedding.

In my experience it's not the child free wedding that causes the issues but the rumination on the fact that not everyone will be able to be there for all of the wedding. The family did there best to be part of the wedding within the stipulated conditions set by the bride and groom but them not being there has been held against them.

Have your child free wedding, have a fabulous day but don't hold it against those that chose not to attend.

I genuinely don't understand the drama about this. Is this a region specific or an English thing to have loads of kids at weddings? I've been to over 20 weddings up here (I'm Scottish) and only once were there children at the wedding and that's because it was the bride and groom's own son. So they had him and her sister's two toddlers. That was it. All other weddings I've ever been to were child free, some even said on the invites please leave your children at home (or words to that effect, less bluntly worded than that! Something like, we love children, but have a night off and it's just for you two or something).

I had family children at our wedding and babies of my friends as they were breastfeeding. Nobody else brought their children, I didn't specify child free in the invites, everyone with kids didn't want to bring them anyway?!

Anyway it's a big drama over nothing. All your auntie needed to do was politely decline the invite. It's not about her, it's your day. Your grandparents are being unreasonable. It's not their place to get involved really, even if it's their daughter who is upset. So what? It's your day. Enjoy it and don't stress.

Edited to say auntie! It's your auntie not your cousin, sorry.

This! It’s the height of rudeness to act like you’re doing other adults a favour & is beyond irritating. Own your decisions & live with the consequences. Simple as that.

I don' t understand why someone would want a child-free wedding. They are people also, not just an alien band of disruptors. I think it's lovely for all generations to enjoy a celebration like this. Mystified.

I see more posts about this re weddings than any other. Yes it upsets family, but your wedding, and quite unreasonable for grandparents to refuse to come to make a point. That’s quite hurtful and likely to end the relationship which is a massive shame.

Mystified at why you’d want them there! No reason to judge either option though and no idea why the grandparents are creating a massive family rift over nothing. It’s a day and a party - not some massive shift in the family dynamics.

Then those are the consequences of having 4 children under 5...

well not quite. As I said in my comment, we were trying to think of a way to tell that person that their children couldn’t come. But then we suddenly just realised that we don’t have to invite any kids at all and would prefer not to.

@Summerinsicily There seems something fundamentally unsatisfactory about a situation which has evolved primarily because you and your fiance (not unreasonably) didn't want his cousin's feral offspring at your nupitals. So to avoid causing offence to her, you vetoed all and any kids at the wedding. Granted, you weren't fussed about children attending in the first place but the situation arose as a direct result of HIS family side's behaviour.

But now offence has been caused to YOUR side. So relations with his family - the cause of the ban on kids - remain okay but the relationship with YOUR relatives is damaged. Not sure if there's anything you can do at this stage but I wouldn't be happy about this outcome.

I’m 100% with you Op! I would never create this sort of drama over a party, it’s really not worth it. I couldn’t come without my kids at that point, but I’d politely decline (or come on my own and leave my husband home with them), send a lovely gift and ask to see all the photos after. The end.

This thread is quite entertaining - only for the didactic tone taken by so many posters as to why weddings are about whatever they say they're about.

No wonder so many weddings are so identikit and tedious. As for whether they are child-filled or child-free I couldn't care less, as long as a refusal didn't attend or cause yet more of this unnecessary angst weddings invariably seem to rake up.

On either side - B&G sulking because of a refusal or families kicking off the way OP's has - is unreasonable behaviour. OP YANBU to be upset.

As for the 'instructions' so amusingly given on this thread, 'joining two families' is great - IF that's what the couple wants and circumstances are conducive to that. Following a wedding I wonder how much time the two families really do spend together? It's a legal covenant between two individuals. Anything other than this is a subjective view.

Attitudes like this are precisely why we pushed off abroad to marry - accompanied by only four guests, and why we'd do the same tomorrow.

Arranging babysitting is much more challenging for relatives of the bride or groom because their usual babysitters may all be going to the wedding. Friends don’t have the same problem finding babysitters.

I’ll repost my comment from earlier for the hard of thinking, who possess brains that cannot fathom why other people might chose something different.

After years of heartbreak and upset, having to sit at christenings, baby showers, family events etc while a cacophony of babies came and went, should my husband and I have suffered the upset of ‘here’s what you could have won’ and not deserve just one day where we could be safe from ‘if onlys’ for just one day? At the only event that was about us? Not because we’re cruel, or wanted an Instagram wedding (didn’t even exist then!) all because people ‘cannot understand why….’???

Luckily, we had more reasonable guests than PP’s on this thread or OPs relations and not one of them declined or made a song and dance about the lack of children. It made for a day where we could celebrate what we did have and not what we didn’t.

Maybe she doesn’t have anyone to look after her children . Not everyone has a baby sitter !!

on my fiancés side, his cousin has 3 kids. The youngest one is fine, but the older two boys are absolutely feral. They are loud and destructive and just generally not well behaved. At a family bbq last year they broke things, spoiled things for other children, and kept fighting with each other. They mum had to keep telling them off, all throughout the BBQ all you could hear every 20 minutes was her shouting at them telling them to pack it in. At one point the older of the two bit the other ones arm so bad it was bleeding everywhere. After everyone left, they were the last ones remaining and the boys were picking up stones from our garden and launching them at each other. I absolutely don’t want these children at the wedding. We were trying to discuss how we would tell the cousin that her children aren’t invited and others are. However, we realised that we wouldn’t actually care if no children came because we don’t have close relationships to any of the children in our family. DP is an only child and I have a brother and a sister who are both child free. There’s no other children on my side other than aunties kids who I rarely see. My auntie and I don’t have a close relationship but I would still like her to be at the wedding if she can make it, if not, I understand and would not have been upset or offended with a polite decline.

Sorry, OP. I misread this thinking it was the aunt’s children.

Still think YANBU.

Are your family usually this prone to hysterics? I can imagine coming to you and having an adult conversation if I were your aunt.

Is there a risk thay even if you invite them you will also need to have the kids as bridesmaids? Lol.

So you are allowed to be upset about people choosing not to attend your wedding, but other people are not allowed to be upset about who you choose not to invite?

Sorry your family are being so awful OP. You are absolutely allowed to have a child free wedding and your family should respect that. Fair enough your aunt can’t make it, but like you said a polite decline would have done. Your grandparents are being awful - to treat you how they have because your aunt can’t/ doesn’t want to find a babysitter with 11 months notice is horrible. Unfortunately family weddings and who is and isn’t invited can bring out the worse in people, and is seen on thread after thread on here