Page 26 | Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

Summerinsicily · 2025-05-20T11:38:57+00:00

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming. My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending. I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Tandora · 20/05/2025 20:19

Summerinsicily · 20/05/2025 20:12

well not quite. As I said in my comment, we were trying to think of a way to tell that person that their children couldn’t come. But then we suddenly just realised that we don’t have to invite any kids at all and would prefer not to.

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But then we suddenly just realised that we don’t have to invite any kids at all and would prefer not to.

Right. And as a consequence your aunt and your GP realised that they do not have to attend your wedding and would prefer not to.

Original poster

Summerinsicily · 20/05/2025 20:21

PeopleWillAlwaysNeedPlates · 20/05/2025 18:42

You know, I’m generally very much in support of child-free weddings UNLESS I see the enraging words ‘we just want to let the parents let their hair down and have a night off.’

No. By all means have a child-free wedding and have a lovely time, but do NOT try to sell it as being in anything other than YOUR interests. They are a fucking ballache for me; I’ll pull together childcare if I really like you but don’t patronise me by pretending that you’re doing it for my benefit.

I understand this, and I haven’t actually said these words to anyone, because you’re right it sounds patronising and also people can see through it. When I said that the parents can let their hair down and have fun, that is for my benefit, not theirs. Because I don’t want to have fed up parents on my wedding day getting flustered or annoyed with their kids because they’re bored and whinging etc. whenever my auntie does bring her kids to events, she’s constantly running around after the 5 year olds and then gets annoyed that she can’t just sit down and have a minute of peace. Or they start fighting because one of them isn’t sharing a toy or something and then it puts her in a bad mood. And as I say, it’s not the atmosphere that I want. An adult only event and an event that includes children are completely different vibes. Some people really love children and think that children will make the day better and wonderful and special, but I am not them and I don’t share this opinion. We are funding the wedding ourselves and I would rather be happy on the day, rather than give in to other peoples expectations.

OP posts:

LizziesCat · 20/05/2025 20:23

namechangeGOT · 20/05/2025 20:15

I’ll repost my comment from earlier for the hard of thinking, who possess brains that cannot fathom why other people might chose something different.

After years of heartbreak and upset, having to sit at christenings, baby showers, family events etc while a cacophony of babies came and went, should my husband and I have suffered the upset of ‘here’s what you could have won’ and not deserve just one day where we could be safe from ‘if onlys’ for just one day? At the only event that was about us? Not because we’re cruel, or wanted an Instagram wedding (didn’t even exist then!) all because people ‘cannot understand why….’???

Luckily, we had more reasonable guests than PP’s on this thread or OPs relations and not one of them declined or made a song and dance about the lack of children. It made for a day where we could celebrate what we did have and not what we didn’t.

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I completely see why you’d want a day with no children and I’m glad your family and friends accepted it without expressing any disagreement and that you felt able to stand up for what you wanted.

phoenixrosehere · 20/05/2025 20:24

SerafinasGoose · 20/05/2025 20:14

This thread is quite entertaining - only for the didactic tone taken by so many posters as to why weddings are about whatever they say they're about.

No wonder so many weddings are so identikit and tedious. As for whether they are child-filled or child-free I couldn't care less, as long as a refusal didn't attend or cause yet more of this unnecessary angst weddings invariably seem to rake up.

On either side - B&G sulking because of a refusal or families kicking off the way OP's has - is unreasonable behaviour. OP YANBU to be upset.

As for the 'instructions' so amusingly given on this thread, 'joining two families' is great - IF that's what the couple wants and circumstances are conducive to that. Following a wedding I wonder how much time the two families really do spend together? It's a legal covenant between two individuals. Anything other than this is a subjective view.

Attitudes like this are precisely why we pushed off abroad to marry - accompanied by only four guests, and why we'd do the same tomorrow.

Following a wedding I wonder how much time the two families really do spend together?

Right. My parents haven’t seen my in-laws in person since the wedding and it was over a decade ago. I’ve seen DH’s sister’s in-laws more than my parents have seen mine. Unless all live in the same areas, I think it’s not that common.

I wished I could have eloped. My mum was an absolute nightmare. I thought about calling the whole thing off and just going to the courthouse but it meant a lot to DH and his family. It was childfree but not because we wanted it to be. It just happened to be that way.

Footballstadium · 20/05/2025 20:25

Tiegs · 20/05/2025 20:16

Maybe she doesn’t have anyone to look after her children . Not everyone has a baby sitter !!

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What about the children’s dad?

okydokethen · 20/05/2025 20:27

Yabu - you can’t expect her to come without four young children.

ILoveBrum · 20/05/2025 20:29

It’s fine to want a childfree wedding Op, but you also need to accept the consequences. Your aunt & also grandparents obviously feel very hurt by this, so you need to accept that and move on. What do your parents say?

1543click · 20/05/2025 20:30

If you ever have children make sure you never moan if yours are not asked to a "child free wedding". People often change their ideas when they realise the implications of such invitations!

Beezbuzzing · 20/05/2025 20:30

I think the whole ‘parents can let their hair down’ thing is odd. There’s no way I’d ‘let my hair down’ if I’d left 4 kids under 7 with a non family member all day. Fuck that. I’d be v stressed. Some people actually like their kids. Having said that I’d welcome the excuse to skip the pretentious ‘grown up’ themed wedding. It’s seems your grandparents think likewise. You do you OP.

phoenixrosehere · 20/05/2025 20:32

1543click · 20/05/2025 20:30

If you ever have children make sure you never moan if yours are not asked to a "child free wedding". People often change their ideas when they realise the implications of such invitations!

Bet she won’t.

Most reasonable people don’t go out of their way to call the bride and complain.

Original poster

Summerinsicily · 20/05/2025 20:32

1543click · 20/05/2025 20:30

If you ever have children make sure you never moan if yours are not asked to a "child free wedding". People often change their ideas when they realise the implications of such invitations!

I would never moan about such a thing. Especially when the day isn’t about me or my needs and my circumstances. In fact if I ever have children I will accept that sometimes there will be events that I will need a babysitter for, because I can’t be attached to my children 24/7 forever, and I will also understand and accept that there will be some events that I can’t attend because not everything is catered to children and other peoples events do not revolve around my children.

i have been invited to two weddings this year where my fiancé isn’t invited, only me. And I’ve just accepted that is what they want, because I’m a grown up who understands that other peoples weddings are not about me

OP posts:

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 20/05/2025 20:33

excluding family members from your wedding is going to upset people. You don’t like that you shouldn’t exclude people.

Vatsallfolks · 20/05/2025 20:34

I have to say that as someone who had a child friendly wedding , I can’t imagine doing anything else if these children are an important part of your life .. unless your budget is seriously restricted.. (ours was) so we got a mate to take the photos and also asked the guests to send any they took that they thought were nice .. and flowers .. our quote was £400 !! So we just did our own from family and friends gardens .. twas fabulous.. the £1k saved paid for the 12 kids that I would never have wanted to be without .. (I also jettisoned the chairs wearing bows ! another £150 !)

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 20:35

PeapodMcgee · 20/05/2025 15:29

Is this thread being targeted by a wall of the perpetually stupid?

The OP being abused over her choice, by her own family, is revolting.

There’s another thread where some is moaning about not being picked as a bridesmaid and people are calling the bride selfish saying what she needs to do at her own wedding 😂

thetrumanshow · 20/05/2025 20:35

PeopleWillAlwaysNeedPlates · 20/05/2025 18:42

You know, I’m generally very much in support of child-free weddings UNLESS I see the enraging words ‘we just want to let the parents let their hair down and have a night off.’

No. By all means have a child-free wedding and have a lovely time, but do NOT try to sell it as being in anything other than YOUR interests. They are a fucking ballache for me; I’ll pull together childcare if I really like you but don’t patronise me by pretending that you’re doing it for my benefit.

I completely agree with that one.

Tandora · 20/05/2025 20:35

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 20/05/2025 20:33

excluding family members from your wedding is going to upset people. You don’t like that you shouldn’t exclude people.

yep. Another reality it’s usual for grown ups to understand.

Footballstadium · 20/05/2025 20:38

Vatsallfolks · 20/05/2025 20:34

I have to say that as someone who had a child friendly wedding , I can’t imagine doing anything else if these children are an important part of your life .. unless your budget is seriously restricted.. (ours was) so we got a mate to take the photos and also asked the guests to send any they took that they thought were nice .. and flowers .. our quote was £400 !! So we just did our own from family and friends gardens .. twas fabulous.. the £1k saved paid for the 12 kids that I would never have wanted to be without .. (I also jettisoned the chairs wearing bows ! another £150 !)

But OP already said she’s not close to the children?

MyCyanReader · 20/05/2025 20:40

@Summerinsicily don't pick up the other end of the rope!

They're trying to turn this into an issue. It's not an issue. It's a child free wedding, and if they don't want to come or can't come then never mind.

Just reply "sorry you can't make it" and leave it at that. Ignore and further responses.

If they want to cut of their nose to spite their face then that's their prerogative.

Neemie · 20/05/2025 20:41

I think people have very different views on weddings. Some think they are big family celebrations and so it would be weird not to invite children, others don’t. My parents and DH’s parents would have been completely mystified if we didn’t invite the younger relatives. Not inviting them would have seemed very rude and would have been too awkward to contemplate.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 20/05/2025 20:41

Arran2024 · 20/05/2025 19:44

Because she can't afford it?
Because she has 4 kids under 7, which is a lot to ask of someone?
Because she won't leave her kids with a teenage babysitter or someone the kids don't know?
Because everyone she knows is at the wedding?

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How did she make these kids? Presumably at least one man was involved. (Apologies if all 3 pregnancies were using a donor). Can he not watch them? They will be 6, 4 and 1 next year. Maybe his parents, siblings, friends can all go to the park or whatever?
Both my husband and I have done solo parenting for weddings we where the children were not invited. The world didn't end. I personally had a whale of a time. But then I don't go out much so that's quite easy to achieve really. This whole " you invite the whole family or face the wrath of the whole family.... forever... is very mobland." I am grateful that no one I know is so dramatic.

1543click · 20/05/2025 20:43

Summerinsicily · 20/05/2025 20:32

I would never moan about such a thing. Especially when the day isn’t about me or my needs and my circumstances. In fact if I ever have children I will accept that sometimes there will be events that I will need a babysitter for, because I can’t be attached to my children 24/7 forever, and I will also understand and accept that there will be some events that I can’t attend because not everything is catered to children and other peoples events do not revolve around my children.

i have been invited to two weddings this year where my fiancé isn’t invited, only me. And I’ve just accepted that is what they want, because I’m a grown up who understands that other peoples weddings are not about me

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I'm glad you know how you will feel when you have children.

Footballstadium · 20/05/2025 20:46

Well, I do have children and this situation is ridiculous.
Dad should mind the kids while OP’s auntie attends. It’s in their home town, v little travel, no overnights, so very doable for auntie to attend for the day imho.

Digdongdoo · 20/05/2025 20:46

Ingogneetoh · 20/05/2025 20:12

Then those are the consequences of having 4 children under 5...

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Exactly. If you choose to have so many children that you can't possibly find a babysitter, then you must accept that sometimes you miss out sometimes. You don't sulk about it.

Emonade · 20/05/2025 20:48

Summerinsicily · 20/05/2025 13:22

I do understand that some people won’t be able to come, which is fine. I am upset by the reaction though, and the way it had been handled and how I have received countless texts and phone calls of them shouting at me and saying “I can’t believe you’re doing this!” And my grandparents can attend because they don’t have young children, but aren’t coming out of principle. They have told me they aren’t interested in speaking to me further or being part of the day and to remove them from the guest list

What is the reason for wanting a child free wedding? Ive never understood it

Lostworlds · 20/05/2025 20:48

I think your family is being massively unfair! It’s your wedding, you get to choose what you want and that’s okay!
My brother decided he didn’t want children at his wedding so all of his nieces and nephews couldn’t go, meaning I couldn’t take my children. Of course I was saddened that they wouldn’t get to join in and celebrate but I understood and so did my siblings. No one fell out with my brother. Some family members from the brides side couldn’t make the wedding due to childcare but at the end of the day, it was one day. Yes it’s one of the most special days for you but for everyone else it’s a nice day to celebrate and one that we move on from, you on the other hand keep the memories forever.

You need to do what’s best for you and your future husband. If your grandparents decide not to go then that’s a choice they’ve made, no one has forced them into it.